Today is my 43rd wedding anniversary. Just want to say if there is some love, any amount to build on try to build the love back. Tempers can be controlled if one wants but it takes two working together to make it work.

Talk. Not argue, talk. Show the love, tell him what you want. Ask him what he needs. Once that's established you can start getting your lives back.

I wouldn't take physical abuse, affairs, financial infidelities. Those things are unforgivable in my eyes.

Be honest. Be firm. Be strong. You will know the answer to your question once you have the talk.

Good luck. I wish you nothing but happiness no matter what happens.

Mental illness.

I am year 2 of a sexless marriage and I am considering leaving. The painful part is how well we otherwise get along, parent well, and it seems so trivial at times to blow it all up so I can feel genuinely loved and fulfilled again. I would much, much rather be cheated on and have a sexual relationship at home than be rejected constantly.

I am under no illusion what divorce brings. It trades one set of problems for another.

No real advice here other than to say many married people go through this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are marriage vows. Because it gets really, really hard.

But life is short so if you are miserable, how long should you stay? I mean, why waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy or bring out the best in you?

For you kids' sake? I'm not saying kids do well when parents are miserable, but this is a little too selfish for me. It's not easy to be the child of divorced parents, and it sounds like the only consideration you are even worried about is you. But guess what? Life isn't just about you once you have kids.

Once kids are in the picture? I'd add abuse to your list. If the kids were out of the house, then I'd put your own happiness much higher. However, as someone whose parents divorced after I graduated from college, it's still a thing. Yes, I am happy that my parents are happier (or at least that my dad is, I think my mom would have been unhappy either way), but it's not like a complete non-event once the kids are 18. I got divorced pre-kids, and I am lucky to be happily married now that I have kids, but I do think I would have given my own happiness a lot less weight had children been involved in my first marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. I’m in a similar situation with my DH and there are many moments where I wish he’d do something “big”. Like have an affair, so I’d have a clear cut reason to leave. I’m 20 years in, with two teens. And I seem to need a bigger reason than he’s just an angry a-hole.

You could be me. OP - I'm sorry.

OP just a note to say I hear you, and I'm feeling the same way, and similar stats with years in. Have you tried counseling? We're starting in September (have been trying for several months). We'll see if that helps. I'm convinced we've already gone our separate ways, but must try.

Anonymous wrote:Too bad Op, you get through this. You don't wreak your kid's lives over this. Not during covid. Not ever, but chances are things will improve post pandemic.

Yeah, because it’s so much more important for the kids to grow up in a dysfunctional household.

Too bad Op, you get through this. You don't wreak your kid's lives over this. Not during covid. Not ever, but chances are things will improve post pandemic.

I get it OP. I’m in a similar situation with my DH and there are many moments where I wish he’d do something “big”. Like have an affair, so I’d have a clear cut reason to leave. I’m 20 years in, with two teens. And I seem to need a bigger reason than he’s just an angry a-hole.

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are marriage vows. Because it gets really, really hard.

But life is short so if you are miserable, how long should you stay? I mean, why waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy or bring out the best in you?

This is why there are marriage vows. Because it gets really, really hard.

Some kind of complete financial ruin: losing the house, blowing through savings, retirement accounts, investments...being destitute.

I have a career, but starting from nothing at my age would be difficult to overcome.

Other than cheating, affair and addiction? Abuse.

Other than cheating/affair/addiction.

Is there anything? I am finding after 2 kids and 11 years of marriage we are really 2 quite completely different people. He has never been my 'best friend' but has always been a friend with some common interests and someone I have loved.
However, this past year (preCOVID) has been rocky at best for me. We don't share similar future goals/experiences/hopes/dreams. We don't really share common interests anymore. Other than the kids I really can't think of anything I want or need to talk to him about.
He has been increasingly difficult to talk to because he thinks disagreeing with something requires a fight/argument. Even simple everyday things. I asked him if he could please turn on the dishwasher as i was heading out the door because i forgot to (i had just loaded it) and he proceeds to complain about having to stop work to do the dishes. I said to forget it i would do it when i get home and continued to go on and on. I left because i needed ot get to work and the kids to camps.

We had a big blow up a week ago about weather or not still take a family vacation to a tourist spot. I said I would rather err on the side of caution this time and postpone. He slammed his fists down and started screaming how "I just want to waste money". I said i think we should call to see if we can postpone or get a refund. If not we could discuss options. This wasn't good enough. He went on and on and on.
I have to say, something just clicked in me. I am just so over him and what our marriage has become. I just don't have it in me.
I work a stressful job at an outpatient clinic and just don't even want to go home most days.
Our kids are young (under 11) but I am just miserable and the thought of being with him for another 11 years makes me feel dead inside.