Anonymous wrote:When DH and I fight we can get stuck in a place where he goes over and over what happened MINUTES earlier. Like, “first you came downstairs and I thought xyz, then YOU said blah blah” and suddenly we are fighting not about the original topic but about the situation itself, who said what when, etc.

DH also has ADD.

We really benefited from couples therapy to learn better ways to fight. But even now I need to do everything possible not to engage with that line of thinking, as it’s a distraction from the issue at hand.

Yes! It drives me crazy. I don’t know how to explain it to our therapist. And something minuscule could happen that would just pass on its own, but instead it turns into a “thing” because of all his commenting about it. It’s truly exhausting to me but hard to describe.

This is a technique that a number of people use when they believe that the situation and the other person's reactions/conclusions don't match what they are thinking.

Do you often disagree on situations and what happened and get into fights over interpretations of occurred? If so, you might want to read some books on gender communication. Dr. Deborah Tannen has several good books on the topic like "That's Not What I Meant! " and "You Just Don't Understand" They are good at explaining how men and women are socialized to respond differently and to have different goals when communicating (for example, women often want to vent and want a sympathetic ear, while men will consider a problem that needs fixing and will try to suggest ways to resolve the issue rather than just listening). She talks about the concept of framing, e.g. how you frame a conversation and how to communicate when your framing is different from your partner's.

When DH and I fight we can get stuck in a place where he goes over and over what happened MINUTES earlier. Like, “first you came downstairs and I thought xyz, then YOU said blah blah” and suddenly we are fighting not about the original topic but about the situation itself, who said what when, etc.

DH also has ADD.

We really benefited from couples therapy to learn better ways to fight. But even now I need to do everything possible not to engage with that line of thinking, as it’s a distraction from the issue at hand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you have ADD and he's doing this as a coping mechanism?

OP here. No, he has ADD. It’s almost like he has to put everything into a box or label people and their actions. Ex. You did this and you always do this and you do this because you’re fill in the blank. Like he hyperfocuses on every nuance of a persons behavior and comments on it.

Maybe he’s bright but a little socially challenged and trying to apply “rules” to human interactions to understand them better?

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you have ADD and he's doing this as a coping mechanism?

OP here. No, he has ADD. It’s almost like he has to put everything into a box or label people and their actions. Ex. You did this and you always do this and you do this because you’re fill in the blank. Like he hyperfocuses on every nuance of a persons behavior and comments on it.

I’m not quite understanding what you’re describing.

I tend to narrate every thought that goes through my head - it can feel like a compulsion - and I can perseverate a bit, too. My DH bears the brunt of it. But that doesn’t sound like what you’re talking about.

Do you mean that you have ADD and he's doing this as a coping mechanism?

Does he read a lot of fiction? When I was a kid and constantly had my nose in a book, I mentally narrated interactions because I couldn't pull myself out of book mode. Ex:

If my mom poked her head in my room and told me to turn out my light and go sleep, in my head I'd think, "her mother said with exasperation as she closed the door."

I do this if I think someone is gaslighting me or is genuinely in denial about facts.

I think it's a male thing.

Sign of a highly intelligent man.

Anonymous wrote:Sign up for dialectical behavioral therapy.

For him or for the OP?

Sign up for dialectical behavioral therapy.

We are an inattentive ADHD family and don’t do this. I also know other people with hyperactive ADHD and have not observed such behavior. Not sure what you’re describing, exactly.

If anything happens, it’s always “you said this, had this look, you always, you do this when you’re” I truly don’t know how to explain it but I feel like he’s narrating situations and events. It drives me nuts. I can’t seem to articulate it. Anyone know what I mean?