Anonymous wrote:Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

You need to do more work on yourself if you frame this as “she is going to resent me forever”.

You are saying you are “willing to do whatever is necessary” which foists all the emotional labor on her of the repair of your deep betrayal.

And the fact that you prefer to break up now if she is not going to forgive you later means that you haven’t learned from your betrayal - the ability to put another’s needs first. BTW, she invested a ton of time in your relationship which turned out to be a negative ROI for her. Why do you feel you are owed a guaranteed positive ROI from her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.

How long was the affair?

My spouse’s was multi-year, but they didn’t see each other over the summers and 1-2 times per month the rest of the year.

Multi-year signals a strong emotional bond and even if they were not physical they were likely connecting on an emotional level particularly if it was a work affair and could use landlines to talk.

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.

How long was the affair?

My spouse’s was multi-year, but they didn’t see each other over the summers and 1-2 times per month the rest of the year.

I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.

The ones I know who stayed married are miserable but their religious families strongly disapprove of divorce.

I know of two couples that recovered. One I’m 40s, others in 80s. Not sure how my sample size compares with your anecdotal evidence, and it is limited to stories I’ve been told.

What really should be a consideration for how likely success is will be found in what research says. What characteristics are displayed with couples x many years out of an affair who have recovered? I have heard stories of strangers that made it work. From what I understand about the therapy and recovery process, the marriage can be restored and yes, it can happen but it takes a lot of work, and a lot of selfless love, and a lot of patience with yourself and your spouse, and a willingness for both partners in the marriage (and sometimes the family) to sacrifice and put every ounce of hope into recovery during the most painful moment of betrayal and utter abandonment and deceit. It requires the greatest trust at the most painful moment of betrayal. Most people have not independently strengthened their heart to do that type of gritty, visceral, tumultuous work.

However, the two couples that have are wonderful people.

I hope you can get the inspiration or encouragement that you need to make the best choice for you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

She will. Best to end it now.

Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

Anonymous wrote:I’m 3 months out from discovery (24 years together). He desperately wants the marriage and doing all of the things you cited.

I know myself. I will NEVER get over it. It took place over 4 years.

I have a 12 and 14 year old. I don’t know if I can hang on until they go to college.

I’m so f-omg disgusted with him and the married woman he cheated with.

I hope they both die.

Four years! Just no. Don’t wait, walk away now.

Coworker had an affair with another coworker. Went to therapy to really deal with his issues and in the process realized he did not want to be married to his wife and the affair was a cry for help/excuse for a reason to end the affair. He is now remarried.

I’m 3 months out from discovery (24 years together). He desperately wants the marriage and doing all of the things you cited.

I know myself. I will NEVER get over it. It took place over 4 years.

I have a 12 and 14 year old. I don’t know if I can hang on until they go to college.

I’m so f-omg disgusted with him and the married woman he cheated with.

I hope they both die.

It will only work if he is truly remorseful and will do all he can to save your marriage. If he’s not, then it won’t work.

How long was the affair?

I know couples who tried but it didn’t workout. The non-cheating spouse cannot our it past them and the cheating spouse gets tired of bending over backward or being punished and just wants to move forward. If your DH still works with this woman even if it’s not in the same office, your marriage is doomed.

We are 10 minths out from discovery. Marriage almost 23 years. He had a mostly sexual relationship with long distance coworker. Terminated when I found out and doing very deep work like reallt digging to understand why he was such an ##### in a good marriage. Lied and gas lit me. The AP is in an open marriage but she participated in the deceit. Would love to hear from folks who stayed together and reallybelieve dh or dw changed dramatically, dealt with xhildhood truma, grew character and emotional depth, etc.