Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have a SIL who is rude, super secret, tries to be private, yet wants to know everything about everyone? I feel like she is silently judging us all the time. I also found out that she did IVF and did not tell anyone. Not sure if parents know. Nothing is wrong with doing it, but I find it odd she didn't tell family. What irritates me is her parents share everything about us, but we know nothing about her life. Any advice?

How is she rude?

How do you know what she is thinking ("silently judging")?

Her choice to do IVF is none of your business and she is entitled to privacy.

How do you know what her parents share, and what does that have to do with her?

Bottom line, she is a private person and if you don't like that, well, too bad.

I have a gossipy family OP, so have to be very careful what I say. Everything is judged, criticized and gossiped about.

In my case, I seem to be more sensitive than other family members and don't like my sex life or my ability to conceive or not judged to my face.

Read what you wrote OP, you sound jealous that your SIL has privacy and you don't. And that she's not supplying you with enough gossip.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the SIL who is kind of private. My brother and SIL and their children have never been to my apartment. It's TINY and rundown and I have leftover furniture from older (bigger) apartments so it's even MORE awkwardly laid out than it otherwise would be. It's always dusty. I use a cardboard box as a side table, for example.

I am VERY careful about what I share because I HAVE been judged so much. I am the least successful member of the family on all sides (in all ways). But I'm interested in everyone else.

You seem very insecure from what you posted. Own your life and your choices. It is nothing to be proud of if your immediately family hasn’t seen where you live (and in particular if it is deliberate.)

They're not my choices, they are my options. If I'd been smart enough to get a 4 yr degree I would have. but it took me 5 years to get a 2 yr degree and nearly killed me to get that. I do what I can. It just sucks that everyone else can do more.

So "her parents share everything about us" is the key.

She knows her parents are like this, she has no interest in her business being the subject of conversation with everyone her parents know, so she (wisely) shares nothing.

This is not hard to figure out. If you also don't want your business spread around town, then follow her example.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the SIL who is kind of private. My brother and SIL and their children have never been to my apartment. It's TINY and rundown and I have leftover furniture from older (bigger) apartments so it's even MORE awkwardly laid out than it otherwise would be. It's always dusty. I use a cardboard box as a side table, for example.

I am VERY careful about what I share because I HAVE been judged so much. I am the least successful member of the family on all sides (in all ways). But I'm interested in everyone else.

You seem very insecure from what you posted. Own your life and your choices. It is nothing to be proud of if your immediately family hasn’t seen where you live (and in particular if it is deliberate.)

I understand you SIL.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the SIL who is kind of private. My brother and SIL and their children have never been to my apartment. It's TINY and rundown and I have leftover furniture from older (bigger) apartments so it's even MORE awkwardly laid out than it otherwise would be. It's always dusty. I use a cardboard box as a side table, for example.

I am VERY careful about what I share because I HAVE been judged so much. I am the least successful member of the family on all sides (in all ways). But I'm interested in everyone else.

You seem very insecure from what you posted. Own your life and your choices. It is nothing to be proud of if your immediately family hasn’t seen where you live (and in particular if it is deliberate.)

I'm the SIL who is kind of private. My brother and SIL and their children have never been to my apartment. It's TINY and rundown and I have leftover furniture from older (bigger) apartments so it's even MORE awkwardly laid out than it otherwise would be. It's always dusty. I use a cardboard box as a side table, for example.

I am VERY careful about what I share because I HAVE been judged so much. I am the least successful member of the family on all sides (in all ways). But I'm interested in everyone else.

You give no examples of her being rude. She is a private person, and she AND YOUR BROTHER apparently prefer not to share the details of their lives with his family. Maybe you guys should think about why that is.

Wow Op you are so in the wrong here it’s not even funny. Her IVF is her business. I’m thinking you are the issue here not her.

It's none of your business, or anyone else's if she AND YOUR BROTHER chose to do IVF, and whether/when to tell anyone.

I love how you blame the woman for being "secretive" about that, when her husband is 100% involved and 100% responsible for deciding who to tell anything, what to tell them, when to tell them.

Grow up.

So.

You call her private, then go on to describe her as a manipulative busybody who silently judges, then you gossip about her (IVF - wow, that is NOYB!) and you judge her and say you feel entitled to know more about her life.

My advice for you is to realize your SIL's communication preferences and preferred levels of privacy are not about you and should be respected, and separately, if you feel that your in laws share too much about you to accept that as fact and stop sharing so much with them because you are in control of what they learn.

Um... Why is it your business that your SIL did IVF? We did a medicated IUI to conceive and no one besides me and my husband know we even struggled with fertility.

Stop telling the parents details you don't want shared with SIL.

My sister is like this. Wants to know everyone else's business but if you ask her anything, she gets all outraged like you asked to see her bank balance or something.

She gathers information about others then uses that information to gossip, pass judgement and criticize.

The only thing you can do is keep conversations with your ILs as casual as possible, since you know anything else will wind up going into SILs ears. Know that anything you say to them, you say to SIL.

It makes it hard because you will feel stunted when talking with them, but it's the unfortunate by-product of having a family member like this who is a cancerous cell.

You say she's rude but give no examples. You say she's silently judging--how do you know?

Some people are just very private. All the negative things you say about her seem to be more in your head than reflective of reality, at least given what you wrote.

Does anyone have a SIL who is rude, super secret, tries to be private, yet wants to know everything about everyone? I feel like she is silently judging us all the time. I also found out that she did IVF and did not tell anyone. Not sure if parents know. Nothing is wrong with doing it, but I find it odd she didn't tell family. What irritates me is her parents share everything about us, but we know nothing about her life. Any advice?