Anonymous
06/22/2020 11:50
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
^^ ...and yes, they all have ADD/ADHD and Executive Functioning Disorder, so we are seeking professional counseling help to devised ways the manage the mess.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 11:49
Subject: Re:Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
^ +2
My DH is the biggest offender. For shared spaces, I give them a deadline then I toss.
Otherwise, we try to keep some spaces separate. My kids have a play room; my DH has a cabinet in the bedroom for just his tool/crap - maybe you can do the same for the garage, just a corner that is yours and they can't mess with.
My DH is the biggest offender. For shared spaces, I give them a deadline then I toss.
Otherwise, we try to keep some spaces separate. My kids have a play room; my DH has a cabinet in the bedroom for just his tool/crap - maybe you can do the same for the garage, just a corner that is yours and they can't mess with.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 11:49
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
I’m in the same boat, OP, and I feel like moving out and leaving them to their own devices. I have, as other posters mentioned, “laid down the law” repeatedly over the last several years. They respond at first, but then quickly slide back down into their comfortable, messy, careless ways.
I am the constant nagging, angry, demanding voice to their ears. I have now embraced the role and will not stop until the house is at least somewhat orderly. I no longer give a flying f what they think of me. This cannot go on.
I have tried the carrot and the stick approach; incentive charts; taking away devices and toys; ranting and raving; cajoling; jumping in with them on family cleaning and organizing days; crating chore and task lists; withholding privileges; canceling special events and outings, to no avail. I’ve set up systems, placed labels, left notes, reduced the amount of clutter and junk; relegated them to two place servings; used paper plates and cups; shown by example; held family meetings, devised systems, etc. They just don’t care. They are okay with the level of clutter and disorganization and just don’t see the same mess that I see.
I think it’s a lack of respect and consideration. We’re moving on to counseling to address this.
I am the constant nagging, angry, demanding voice to their ears. I have now embraced the role and will not stop until the house is at least somewhat orderly. I no longer give a flying f what they think of me. This cannot go on.
I have tried the carrot and the stick approach; incentive charts; taking away devices and toys; ranting and raving; cajoling; jumping in with them on family cleaning and organizing days; crating chore and task lists; withholding privileges; canceling special events and outings, to no avail. I’ve set up systems, placed labels, left notes, reduced the amount of clutter and junk; relegated them to two place servings; used paper plates and cups; shown by example; held family meetings, devised systems, etc. They just don’t care. They are okay with the level of clutter and disorganization and just don’t see the same mess that I see.
I think it’s a lack of respect and consideration. We’re moving on to counseling to address this.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 11:40
Subject: Re:Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
Anonymous wrote:I have six kids, and could not live the way you are living. EVERYTHING. HAS. A. PLACE! And everyone knows where that place is. Our house is super organized. Sure, sometimes crap is left all over, but if I gathered the family and said "Important company is coming in 15 minutes," we could have everything neat and organized.
You need to tell them that they have until July 1st to clean up/throw out their stuff. Starting July 1, if something is left out in your way, you are THROWING IT OUT. Everyone must clean up after themselves.
(But the key to them being able to do that is knowing where things should go. Put little stickers on shelves in closets saying what goes where if you need to.)
+1. I'd give it a week and start tossing. Let them see you are serious.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 11:38
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
Anonymous wrote:
My husband is a lost cause. ADHD/Asperger's, had never been able to get organized or tidy, and not only that, but refuses to do so. He's a hoarder.
My kids clean up when asked. It's not that they notice or take initiative! Sadly. But they are nice enough to do what I request when I request it: tidy up, dust, vacuum, mop, walk the dog, do the dishes, etc... I'm not sure when they'll ever get to actually noticing by themselves, and they are 10 and 15!
Sigh.
Me again.
Re-reading your post, do you think they have ADHD? We are an ADHD family, and I notice that some of us with mild cases (myself and one of my children) do so much better with sorting and putting things away. The ones with severe ADHD just can't wrap their minds around where to put things. They just set them down wherever and let things accumulate.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 11:34
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
My husband is a lost cause. ADHD/Asperger's, had never been able to get organized or tidy, and not only that, but refuses to do so. He's a hoarder.
My kids clean up when asked. It's not that they notice or take initiative! Sadly. But they are nice enough to do what I request when I request it: tidy up, dust, vacuum, mop, walk the dog, do the dishes, etc... I'm not sure when they'll ever get to actually noticing by themselves, and they are 10 and 15!
Sigh.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 11:33
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They do not expect you to clean up after them. Don't. I would call a family meeting. "Guys, I refuse to live like this any longer. These designated areas of the house and garage are mine after June 26. You have 4 days to clear out your things. If I find anything of yours in one of my areas, I will discard or donate it. I will not inform you before doing so because I have already wasted far too much mental and emotional energy on your clutter." If DH resisted I would be letting him know that I was preparing for separation, at a minimum. You can love someone without sharing living space.
This. Except you said you have a large property. Why not build a long/large workshop shed just for the 3 males. Far from the house. If you need an excuse why its .20 acres away...put in a dirt path and buy them some dirt bikes or 4-wheelers and say they can them out there as well.
That way they think its a positive and you don't have any mess in your house or garage.
If you see something like tools or screws laying around after that - put a designed plastic tub at the garage entrance, dump all the stuff there and say 'you're looking for x? have you tried the project tub?'
A shed like this fully-outfitted could probably be found for $3K. If your sons are big on TitTok or Instagram, they'll probably keep it organized just for cool points.
Op here. Wow that would be an awesome shed. I wish it would work, but it won't. If I have no access to it, it will be a mess within weeks and although I wouldn't care if my things were left alone, it still leaves my basement to be destroyed and disrespected and in the end this is what it feels like to me. Complete and total disrespect for the money things cost, our time, my stress level, etc. And definitely disrespect for common sense which anyone can see because it makes no sense to take extra time "later" to clean up a much bigger mess, spend more time looking for things, and quite often just buying another item because you can't find the first and don't have time to sort through 10 boxes.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 11:30
Subject: Re:Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
Anonymous wrote:I have six kids, and could not live the way you are living. EVERYTHING. HAS. A. PLACE! And everyone knows where that place is. Our house is super organized. Sure, sometimes crap is left all over, but if I gathered the family and said "Important company is coming in 15 minutes," we could have everything neat and organized.
You need to tell them that they have until July 1st to clean up/throw out their stuff. Starting July 1, if something is left out in your way, you are THROWING IT OUT. Everyone must clean up after themselves.
(But the key to them being able to do that is knowing where things should go. Put little stickers on shelves in closets saying what goes where if you need to.)
OP here. well this was my plan on how to run this home, but I'm thinking that because my husband doesn't care the others have learned to be this way as well. And his reactions over the years when I've mentioned anything have shown them how "ridiculous" I am I guess. He has gotten angry and spent entire weekends in the garage "cleaning up" but his method does't really solve anything for the long term.No organizational system. Maybe just a path is created and a few things thrown out. But the next time someone wants or needs a tool/supplies or anything else, the boxes have to be pulled out, the item found, then the boxes are just left out. It makes not sense in my logical mind to live like this, and I have no recourse left that I can think of. They don't even seem to understand the concept I'm trying to get through to them to make a place that MAKES SENSE, then put it back there when you are done.
It's stressful for all of us, because every month or so it reaches a tipping point and hours have to be spent "cleaning up" again.
A good example is that we opened our pool and the box with the parts in it was buried, 5 boxes were taken out to get to that one box, then all 6 boxes were left out all over the garage because we needed one damn part to attach a ladder.
It would be funny if it wasn't so sickening to live with.
How do you get everyone to cooperate? I would be more than willing to put in the work myself to get it initially organized, but not if it's just going to be ignored and be back where it was a week ago anyway.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 11:24
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
If you see something like tools or screws laying around after that - put a designed plastic tub at the garage entrance, dump all the stuff there and say 'you're looking for x? have you tried the project tub?'
/quote]
No! The answer is not to keep picking up after them
OP here....well if I don't, what is the answer? I can't function in these rooms/areas and I can't just let the stuff sit where they leave it. It's absurd at some point.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 02:24
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
Anonymous wrote:
If you see something like tools or screws laying around after that - put a designed plastic tub at the garage entrance, dump all the stuff there and say 'you're looking for x? have you tried the project tub?'
/quote]
No! The answer is not to keep picking up after them
Anonymous
06/22/2020 02:22
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
Anonymous wrote:They do not expect you to clean up after them. Don't. I would call a family meeting. "Guys, I refuse to live like this any longer. These designated areas of the house and garage are mine after June 26. You have 4 days to clear out your things. If I find anything of yours in one of my areas, I will discard or donate it. I will not inform you before doing so because I have already wasted far too much mental and emotional energy on your clutter."
This was going to be my exact advice. Stop coddling them. This has been going on for more than a few years. A whole family does not magically grow up to be messy. Sure, some people are generally more untidy than others, but being a pic is a learned behavior. The children are teenagers and while you can't turn back time, you can show tough love. You'll be doing them and their future partners a favor.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 02:20
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
Anonymous wrote:They do not expect you to clean up after them. Don't. I would call a family meeting. "Guys, I refuse to live like this any longer. These designated areas of the house and garage are mine after June 26. You have 4 days to clear out your things. If I find anything of yours in one of my areas, I will discard or donate it. I will not inform you before doing so because I have already wasted far too much mental and emotional energy on your clutter." If DH resisted I would be letting him know that I was preparing for separation, at a minimum. You can love someone without sharing living space.
This. Except you said you have a large property. Why not build a long/large workshop shed just for the 3 males. Far from the house. If you need an excuse why its .20 acres away...put in a dirt path and buy them some dirt bikes or 4-wheelers and say they can them out there as well.
That way they think its a positive and you don't have any mess in your house or garage.
If you see something like tools or screws laying around after that - put a designed plastic tub at the garage entrance, dump all the stuff there and say 'you're looking for x? have you tried the project tub?'
A shed like this fully-outfitted could probably be found for $3K. If your sons are big on TitTok or Instagram, they'll probably keep it organized just for cool points.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 02:16
Subject: Re:Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
I have six kids, and could not live the way you are living. EVERYTHING. HAS. A. PLACE! And everyone knows where that place is. Our house is super organized. Sure, sometimes crap is left all over, but if I gathered the family and said "Important company is coming in 15 minutes," we could have everything neat and organized.
You need to tell them that they have until July 1st to clean up/throw out their stuff. Starting July 1, if something is left out in your way, you are THROWING IT OUT. Everyone must clean up after themselves.
(But the key to them being able to do that is knowing where things should go. Put little stickers on shelves in closets saying what goes where if you need to.)
You need to tell them that they have until July 1st to clean up/throw out their stuff. Starting July 1, if something is left out in your way, you are THROWING IT OUT. Everyone must clean up after themselves.
(But the key to them being able to do that is knowing where things should go. Put little stickers on shelves in closets saying what goes where if you need to.)
Anonymous
06/22/2020 01:57
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
They do not expect you to clean up after them. Don't. I would call a family meeting. "Guys, I refuse to live like this any longer. These designated areas of the house and garage are mine after June 26. You have 4 days to clear out your things. If I find anything of yours in one of my areas, I will discard or donate it. I will not inform you before doing so because I have already wasted far too much mental and emotional energy on your clutter." If DH resisted I would be letting him know that I was preparing for separation, at a minimum. You can love someone without sharing living space.
Anonymous
06/22/2020 01:40
Subject: Feeling angry about my husband and 2 kids that never clean up after themselves.
I know this might sound trite to some. But this has reached a boiling point for me. We have 4 kids. Youngest is 10. So with 6 people in our home, I have relaxed my standards considerably over the years, and only desire a minimum standard of cleanliness in our home. There are always shoes out, books, papers, etc. It truly doesn't bother me, and I realize a certain amount of this clutter is normal.
But there is just a line that has been crossed for the past few years. My husband is the worst, with my 2 sons following right behind him. The 3 of them are completely oblivious to being able to put anything away that they use. I have been unable to change this dynamic no matter what I've tried, and it's gotten to the point that we can't even walk in the garage anymore unless I'm constantly on top of them to clean up. One of them is always doing some kind of project (washing cars, painting something, building with wood, etc.), but they NEVER put anything away. I tried to get my bike out today and couldn't even get to it. It's disgusting to me. They do it inside the house, too, but I'm able to contain it in the main living areas, and if it gets too bad, I will stack up their things in a neat stack and ask them to put it away before dinner. Which they do, but I'm sick of having to ask.
This is extreme because our partially finished basement is the same way. If someone took a picture of the half of our basement that isn't finished, we could be candidates for the hoarding show. I never go down there (hobby room, foosball, storage area) so I don't keep on top of it. My son painted a few things as a hobby, and there is literally every single thing he used still sitting out down there in the middle of the floor for about a month now.
I know the kids get it from my husband, as he can make a repair, for example, and just literally drop the tools where he used them and never look at them again. EVER. Unless he needs them again, and then he will be aggravated that he can't find them and get angry that things are a mess. He will even open a package , for example hinges he had to buy to replace a broken kitchen cabinet hinge, and leave the package right where he made the repair and never think to clean it up.
We have a nice sized piece of property, and this happens all around the property too. He uses a pressure washer, and just leaves it where he used it. It is still sitting there, along with the hoses and wires, etc.
I have tried to maintain some semblance of minimum orderliness, but I cannot keep up. Besides the fact that I'm tired of telling people to do these things, and sick of living with the piles of crap everywhere, I'm also sick of the annoyance they have for me expecting them to put these piles of crap away. This is not a pile of School books out, shoes out, unmade beds. It's to the point of ridiculousness.
Any suggestions on how to handle this are appreciated. I'm tired of not being able to even get to my things. I spent an hour straightening one side of the garage the other day so I can get to the toy baskets, my extra household supplies we keep out there, etc, and within 2 days, the whole side was covered again with boxes of "stuff" someone had used and just dropped there. Car washing supplies, an empty box from Amazon (put it in the damn garbage can), cans of spray paint, tools, hoses, crap, crap, crap. I again cannot get to the shelf I need to get to. Every single day there is stuff used and never put away.
Probably what annoys me the most is the attitude they have towards me asking that they put aside a half hour and clean up a certain area because we need to use it for something else or because I need to be able to access what is being blocked. My 15 year old seriously seems to think it's absurd to have to put things away when you're done with them. I cannot understand how anyone can live like this and I feel powerless to get through to them without feeling like a nag or that "I" am the one being ridiculous for expecting them to respect our home and all the things we own.
I know this is long. Thanks for reading.
But there is just a line that has been crossed for the past few years. My husband is the worst, with my 2 sons following right behind him. The 3 of them are completely oblivious to being able to put anything away that they use. I have been unable to change this dynamic no matter what I've tried, and it's gotten to the point that we can't even walk in the garage anymore unless I'm constantly on top of them to clean up. One of them is always doing some kind of project (washing cars, painting something, building with wood, etc.), but they NEVER put anything away. I tried to get my bike out today and couldn't even get to it. It's disgusting to me. They do it inside the house, too, but I'm able to contain it in the main living areas, and if it gets too bad, I will stack up their things in a neat stack and ask them to put it away before dinner. Which they do, but I'm sick of having to ask.
This is extreme because our partially finished basement is the same way. If someone took a picture of the half of our basement that isn't finished, we could be candidates for the hoarding show. I never go down there (hobby room, foosball, storage area) so I don't keep on top of it. My son painted a few things as a hobby, and there is literally every single thing he used still sitting out down there in the middle of the floor for about a month now.
I know the kids get it from my husband, as he can make a repair, for example, and just literally drop the tools where he used them and never look at them again. EVER. Unless he needs them again, and then he will be aggravated that he can't find them and get angry that things are a mess. He will even open a package , for example hinges he had to buy to replace a broken kitchen cabinet hinge, and leave the package right where he made the repair and never think to clean it up.
We have a nice sized piece of property, and this happens all around the property too. He uses a pressure washer, and just leaves it where he used it. It is still sitting there, along with the hoses and wires, etc.
I have tried to maintain some semblance of minimum orderliness, but I cannot keep up. Besides the fact that I'm tired of telling people to do these things, and sick of living with the piles of crap everywhere, I'm also sick of the annoyance they have for me expecting them to put these piles of crap away. This is not a pile of School books out, shoes out, unmade beds. It's to the point of ridiculousness.
Any suggestions on how to handle this are appreciated. I'm tired of not being able to even get to my things. I spent an hour straightening one side of the garage the other day so I can get to the toy baskets, my extra household supplies we keep out there, etc, and within 2 days, the whole side was covered again with boxes of "stuff" someone had used and just dropped there. Car washing supplies, an empty box from Amazon (put it in the damn garbage can), cans of spray paint, tools, hoses, crap, crap, crap. I again cannot get to the shelf I need to get to. Every single day there is stuff used and never put away.
Probably what annoys me the most is the attitude they have towards me asking that they put aside a half hour and clean up a certain area because we need to use it for something else or because I need to be able to access what is being blocked. My 15 year old seriously seems to think it's absurd to have to put things away when you're done with them. I cannot understand how anyone can live like this and I feel powerless to get through to them without feeling like a nag or that "I" am the one being ridiculous for expecting them to respect our home and all the things we own.
I know this is long. Thanks for reading.