Anonymous wrote:before I had my third I thought my kids came in Type 1 and Type 2 (artistic, less artistic, and stubborn and less so - like there were two ways to be). Then I had #3 and I was like - oh, they are all totally individuals! and it's not like one is sporty and one isn't, or whatever, but they're all completely individuals with some things in common and some not, and some a little.

IDK if that makes sense, but I essentialized their personalities when I only had 2. It took #3 for me to realize they were all completely their own little people. Sad but true that it took me til #3 to realize this!

My second taught me this lesson. I thought my little rule-following neatnik was the product of my awesome parenting. Then we had his sister. Oy vey, was I wrong! She’s a mischievous mess-maker. Same parenting, turns out they’re just totally different humans.

Anonymous wrote:3 kids don't fit in a regular taxi anymore... stupid I know, but it's really hard while traveling in foreign countries.

This is honestly one of the reasons I only wanted two kids.

What I didn't realize about having one child, and stopping at one (intentionally, not that we have to explain that to anyone) is how much we'd hear "When are you gonna have another?" while DC was small. It was fine and expected and sweet from folks like our elderly friends at church and elderly relatives. And people our own age, no matter how many kids they had, were cool and never asked. But it was surprising how many strangers see a parent--mom OR dad--with one child and immediately ask if there's a sibling, and then say things like, "Well, maybe DC will get a sibling to play with!" It ended once DC was about preschool aged, but...lack of boundaries, people!

I'm a teacher. I like kids, and I like being with groups of kids. I sort of assumed that meant I'd like parenting large groups of kids, and wanted 4 or 5.

But then I had my first, and realized that it's really wonderful to be able to give your undivided attention to one kid, and not to feel like you're counting heads all the time. So, we stopped at two.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you don’t realize before your 3rd is how much you supervise your first two and how that impacts the amount of mess/trouble they get into. With 3, you have to adjust your mindset and give them more independence and the result is usually that they break some rules and make some messes before you can catch them. Preemtive parenting just doesn’t work with 3+

What you don’t realize before your 4th is how much you previously relied on a schedule/routine to keep life manageable. With 4, for at least the first 6-12 months, but also to some extent permanently, life just can’t be scheduled. Each kid is a variable and there are just too many ways for something to get derailed. So you have to be a lot more flexible and comfortable adjusting on the fly and you have to just accept that life will be about rhythms instead of routines.

What you don’t realize before your 5th is how much your kids rely on one-on-one moments with you. For us that was when we needed to change tack and be more intentional and mindful about finding that time. With 1-4 it happened organically often enough to get everyone’s needs met. At 5 we needed to actually make a chart to make sure each kid got time with each parent every week.

How selfish - why did you have so many kids???

How is it selfish to make sure each child gets one-on-one time with each of their parents???

The first PP sounds like a really good parent who’s in tune with her kids needs. It was a very thoughtful post.

Anonymous wrote:before I had my third I thought my kids came in Type 1 and Type 2 (artistic, less artistic, and stubborn and less so - like there were two ways to be). Then I had #3 and I was like - oh, they are all totally individuals! and it's not like one is sporty and one isn't, or whatever, but they're all completely individuals with some things in common and some not, and some a little.

IDK if that makes sense, but I essentialized their personalities when I only had 2. It took #3 for me to realize they were all completely their own little people. Sad but true that it took me til #3 to realize this!

That's very on point! I would credit my first 2 kids' personalities to things I had done/didn't do... The third set me straight. Then you kind of reflect on your family of origin and how you and your siblings can be so different, too.

Anonymous wrote:I’m soon to have my fourth and with no school, camp, swim club etc this will be a much bigger challenge than I envisioned. I have hired someone to help 25 hours a week this summer and my parents live nearby so we will cope. But if things don’t open up - schools - in the fall I will go bonkers but I will cope!

Ya think? Ya think you can “cope” with three additional adults helping you in addition to your spouse?

I’m soon to have my fourth and with no school, camp, swim club etc this will be a much bigger challenge than I envisioned. I have hired someone to help 25 hours a week this summer and my parents live nearby so we will cope. But if things don’t open up - schools - in the fall I will go bonkers but I will cope!

before I had my third I thought my kids came in Type 1 and Type 2 (artistic, less artistic, and stubborn and less so - like there were two ways to be). Then I had #3 and I was like - oh, they are all totally individuals! and it's not like one is sporty and one isn't, or whatever, but they're all completely individuals with some things in common and some not, and some a little.

IDK if that makes sense, but I essentialized their personalities when I only had 2. It took #3 for me to realize they were all completely their own little people. Sad but true that it took me til #3 to realize this!

Before we had our third, I didn't really think about how many things were based on "family of four" - four servings in a box, four seats at table, two pairs at the amusement park, etc. Our first two were still so little that we weren't doing all those things.

I hadn't realized that with four we would divide them into "the big kids" and "the little kids".

When we had a second marriage that resulted in a total of six kids, I hadn't realized that I'd go from trying to coddle each to teaching them all to be more easy-going. So I will totally say things now like "Who wants to be my favorite by finding my keys?" and 3 or 4 kids will start laughing and running to find my keys.

3 kids don't fit in a regular taxi anymore... stupid I know, but it's really hard while traveling in foreign countries.

Anonymous wrote:What you don’t realize before your 3rd is how much you supervise your first two and how that impacts the amount of mess/trouble they get into. With 3, you have to adjust your mindset and give them more independence and the result is usually that they break some rules and make some messes before you can catch them. Preemtive parenting just doesn’t work with 3+

What you don’t realize before your 4th is how much you previously relied on a schedule/routine to keep life manageable. With 4, for at least the first 6-12 months, but also to some extent permanently, life just can’t be scheduled. Each kid is a variable and there are just too many ways for something to get derailed. So you have to be a lot more flexible and comfortable adjusting on the fly and you have to just accept that life will be about rhythms instead of routines.

What you don’t realize before your 5th is how much your kids rely on one-on-one moments with you. For us that was when we needed to change tack and be more intentional and mindful about finding that time. With 1-4 it happened organically often enough to get everyone’s needs met. At 5 we needed to actually make a chart to make sure each kid got time with each parent every week.

How selfish - why did you have so many kids???

What you don’t realize before your 3rd is how much you supervise your first two and how that impacts the amount of mess/trouble they get into. With 3, you have to adjust your mindset and give them more independence and the result is usually that they break some rules and make some messes before you can catch them. Preemtive parenting just doesn’t work with 3+

What you don’t realize before your 4th is how much you previously relied on a schedule/routine to keep life manageable. With 4, for at least the first 6-12 months, but also to some extent permanently, life just can’t be scheduled. Each kid is a variable and there are just too many ways for something to get derailed. So you have to be a lot more flexible and comfortable adjusting on the fly and you have to just accept that life will be about rhythms instead of routines.

What you don’t realize before your 5th is how much your kids rely on one-on-one moments with you. For us that was when we needed to change tack and be more intentional and mindful about finding that time. With 1-4 it happened organically often enough to get everyone’s needs met. At 5 we needed to actually make a chart to make sure each kid got time with each parent every week.

What I didn't realize before my first is that a lot of stuff parents do that seems crazy (eg obsess over schedules / nap time, over an exact bedtime routine etc) isn't b/c they're worried about their kid, its because they're worried about themselves and are just trying to control what they can to get more rest / make things easier

What I didn't realize before i had two was how much harder a second child can make the first child. It's not just adding another person to take care of, it's adding this whole new chunk of work due to what may have been an easy kid before, now being jealous / trying to get attention / whiny because change is tough / fighting over toys later on

How about you? I'm particularly excited to hear from people that have 3+ kids as it kind of feels like by 2 you should understand what you're getting into with another but i'm sure each kid brings new surprises that you didn't realize in advance