Get yourself into a PEP webinar. Neither of you is bringing the best toolkit to this crazy situation and it will only get worse until you adjust. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Ds, 6, and I have been butting heads all week -- I ask him to do some school worksheet and he refuses, he physically tries to force my hand away when I turn off the TV, I send him to his room for a timeout, he refuses to stay in his room, balls up paper and throws it in my face. Repeatedly.

I had promised him "Lucky Charms" cereal for a special event next week, I told him if he left his room without completing the worksheet again, he'd lose the Lucky Charms. He leaves again, and I tell him I'm throwing the Lucky Charms out. DH emerges from trying to work (we both have FT jobs and are working from home in this mess), tells me that's not a fair punishment for DS.

I work with our younger son, ds4, he does his work despite DS6 trying to distract him. Dh comes out of room again, tells me he is taking DS6 and "I will calmly work with him to get the work done."

I start my work day at 5am, get several hours done to then swap child duties with DH so he can work. I have started every day this week calmly, and most days, except today, have remained calm despite DS6 behavior.

I told DH if he really wanted to help me, he would take our other child so I could get things back on track with ds6. He refused. I just feel completely undermined on all counts here -- it doesn't help me to have a kid refuse to listen to me all morning, then have my husband come in and play hero by getting kid to do work after I've fought with him all morning.

What am I doing wrong here?

Put DH in charge of the kid and step back. Hopefully DH will figure out he s creating a nightmare and step up to parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband is 1/2 the problem. Create a schedule or check list and tell him these tasks have to be done before electronic. Take electronic away, not food. If he doesn't go to his room or stay, the punishment starts over till he does.

The 6 year old is half the problem, DH is half the problem, and OP is half the problem. See the problem?

DH taking the 6 year old is good parenting all around. It wasn't graceful but it was the right step.

It's Friday, OP. Let it all go, and see about making this weekend relaxed and better. That doesn't mean punishing your DC into acting respectful.

Agreed.

DH shouldn't have undermined, but I can't imagine that OP thought it would end well with those threats. That's basically telling "I dare you...." to your already emotional 6 yo, and being surprised they take you up on the dare. Escalating never works.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband is 1/2 the problem. Create a schedule or check list and tell him these tasks have to be done before electronic. Take electronic away, not food. If he doesn't go to his room or stay, the punishment starts over till he does.

The 6 year old is half the problem, DH is half the problem, and OP is half the problem. See the problem?

DH taking the 6 year old is good parenting all around. It wasn't graceful but it was the right step.

It's Friday, OP. Let it all go, and see about making this weekend relaxed and better. That doesn't mean punishing your DC into acting respectful.

She sounds like she's trying but needs to be more consistent and do it nanny style time outs and stick with it. I would not let it go at all. I would not allow electronic for a few days till behavior improves.

Anonymous wrote:Husband is 1/2 the problem. Create a schedule or check list and tell him these tasks have to be done before electronic. Take electronic away, not food. If he doesn't go to his room or stay, the punishment starts over till he does.

The 6 year old is half the problem, DH is half the problem, and OP is half the problem. See the problem?

DH taking the 6 year old is good parenting all around. It wasn't graceful but it was the right step.

It's Friday, OP. Let it all go, and see about making this weekend relaxed and better. That doesn't mean punishing your DC into acting respectful.

Anonymous wrote:He balls up paper and throws it in your face repeatedly?
You need to get this disrespect under control asap.
When he is calm tell him the new rules, assuming he has some screen time I would tell him he has to earn it. School work needs to happen before screens. If he is told to go to his room he goes to his room. If he doesnt then he loses X amount of screen time, or dessert or whatever.
Increase his exercise and outdoor time as much as you can, do NOT take this away as a punishment.

+1
That behavior is not normal or acceptable for a 6 year old. If my kid that age (I also have an 8 year old) refused schoolwork, threw things in my face, etc, he'd have a SERIOUS punishment. WTF (and mine isn't even that well behaved!)

There is so much here. First, you and your DH need to get on the same page. Second - Lucky Charms, a week from now, as a reward? If that is indicative of how you try to incentivize your kids to have good behavior, no wonder you are failing. And then you told your son that you were going to throw them away? Why? I can understand why your DH asked you to just leave him be. He shouldn’t have done it in front of you, but you took the nuclear option.

Husband is 1/2 the problem. Create a schedule or check list and tell him these tasks have to be done before electronic. Take electronic away, not food. If he doesn't go to his room or stay, the punishment starts over till he does.

How did your DH get DS6 to complete his work? I think DH was trying to help you here. To me, undermining would have been if your DH allowed DS6 to go watch TV without doing his work.

I understand, DS 6 is making life difficult. You and DH need to have a conversation about house rules regarding time outs, school work etc and then (together) talk to DS6.

DH should tell his spoiled boy, "You obey your mother."

I agree that the Lucky Charms thing is undermining. If DH thought you were overreacting, he could have talked to you about it at a calmer moment later without the kids around. He owes you an apology for that one.

I think the other thing would have totally pissed me off in the moment if I were you, but I think it may make sense for your overall situation (assuming husband is using reasonable methods to get the work done once he takes over and not doing something that essentially rewards 6yo for throwing paper at you). For us, I know one of us can sometimes get in a bad cycle with a kid and it just needs to be broken by the other parent stepping in and taking over for a little bit. DH that could be a chance for you and DS to have a break from each other and reset. If I were you, I think I would do three main things in whatever order makes sense for your family:
- have some fun time just you and 6yo
- have a talk at a calm time with 6yo about expectations and the wildly inappropriate behavior of throwing paper at you, etc, maybe impose an appropriate punishment (you and DH should both be involved in this so it is clear you are a team)
- have DH be in charge of homeschool for 6yo for all of next week before you switch back again (or maybe have him in charge of it permanently if you find that works better and if your work schedules allow) to give you and 6yo a break from each other and maybe set up a better pattern

Tempers are running high for adults, kids, everyone right now because of quarantine/Coronavirus, so I think we all need to cut each other and ourselves a little slack. If DH can for some reason find a way to work with 6yo better right now, there is no shame in that. That’s the blessing of having two parents available. You can tag team.

He balls up paper and throws it in your face repeatedly?
You need to get this disrespect under control asap.
When he is calm tell him the new rules, assuming he has some screen time I would tell him he has to earn it. School work needs to happen before screens. If he is told to go to his room he goes to his room. If he doesnt then he loses X amount of screen time, or dessert or whatever.
Increase his exercise and outdoor time as much as you can, do NOT take this away as a punishment.

First off, screw worksheets for a six year old...just don’t do them. Second, understand your child senses your stress and that things in the world are off, he is raging because you are not being calm and arguing with him. He needs to feel safe. So, you need to control your reactions. Also, he is six.....don’t tie rewards or punishments to things a week from now. Immediate consequences and praise are more appropriate. He also is likely not getting enough exercise. Try to incorporate more of it daily.

Now, your DH is acting like a jerk by undermining you but that is a conversation not to be had in front of the kids.

What is husband's problem? I'd lock him in the basement.

Ds, 6, and I have been butting heads all week -- I ask him to do some school worksheet and he refuses, he physically tries to force my hand away when I turn off the TV, I send him to his room for a timeout, he refuses to stay in his room, balls up paper and throws it in my face. Repeatedly.

I had promised him "Lucky Charms" cereal for a special event next week, I told him if he left his room without completing the worksheet again, he'd lose the Lucky Charms. He leaves again, and I tell him I'm throwing the Lucky Charms out. DH emerges from trying to work (we both have FT jobs and are working from home in this mess), tells me that's not a fair punishment for DS.

I work with our younger son, ds4, he does his work despite DS6 trying to distract him. Dh comes out of room again, tells me he is taking DS6 and "I will calmly work with him to get the work done."

I start my work day at 5am, get several hours done to then swap child duties with DH so he can work. I have started every day this week calmly, and most days, except today, have remained calm despite DS6 behavior.

I told DH if he really wanted to help me, he would take our other child so I could get things back on track with ds6. He refused. I just feel completely undermined on all counts here -- it doesn't help me to have a kid refuse to listen to me all morning, then have my husband come in and play hero by getting kid to do work after I've fought with him all morning.

What am I doing wrong here?