Anonymous wrote:My brother disengaged their car battery. Without them knowing. I had asked for the keys. Big long, heartfelt discussion regarding why they, the elders, shouldn't drive. They listened to my talk, I asked for their keys, but when they then said, "no", my brother confided to me Plan B.

There's more story but basically that was enough of a hassle, not knowing what was wrong with the car, they didn't drive after that.

But you better have a transportation plan, for them to use, available for them in place before doing it.

This. You need to have a plan b, so the car no longer works. Only thing that prevented my grandma from killing others.

My brother disengaged their car battery. Without them knowing. I had asked for the keys. Big long, heartfelt discussion regarding why they, the elders, shouldn't drive. They listened to my talk, I asked for their keys, but when they then said, "no", my brother confided to me Plan B.

There's more story but basically that was enough of a hassle, not knowing what was wrong with the car, they didn't drive after that.

But you better have a transportation plan, for them to use, available for them in place before doing it.

Thanks. I understand about the "hiding the keys" but in this case it's my dad who thinks she can drive. She doesn't necessarily seem interested--it's situations where he can't drive (like the eye appointment) and instead of taking a taxi, wants her to drive.

I'm very worried she will end up hurting someone. They are pretty selfish/self centered people; so bringing that up honestly won't make a difference. My dad's response would be along the lines of "Well, we have to run errands somehow!"
I'm hoping that putting the fear of actual jail time or financial ruin might be more of a motivating factor.

I have two elderly relatives that had dementia and had bad near misses that caused their spouses to just hide the keys. For one, he drove over a sidewalk and almost crashed into a store in a strip mall -- luckily no one on the sidewalk and I think he didn't break the glass wall into the store. The other drove off the road onto a grassy field near an elementary school. It was a weekend, but if it had been a weekday, there almost certainly would have been children playing. Dementia is really insidious and the "comes and goes" aspect of it is really troubling because it's not predictable -- they can seem fine one minute and the next minute, they are irrational or out of it.


My father is elderly and still drives, but he doesn't have dementia. Even for my elderly father, he bought a car that has all the safety features possible -- automatic breaking, correction when you start to veer off, etc -- because he realizes that his reaction time is slower than it once was. He also always stays under the speed limit, and avoids things like left hand turns into traffic where there is not a turn arrow -- he'll just drive further to get to someplace with a turn arrow. He also doesn't drive after dark. If an elderly person can't have a rational conversation about the steps they are doing to compensate for their age, then they shouldn't be driving. I think some states and maybe AARP also have some classes about how to change the way you drive to reflect your slower reaction time.

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your parents have umbrella coverage equal to their net worth and absolutely convince them to stop driving. Hire a driving service.

This is the cheapest way to go.

Ask prince Philip. He’s a royal with a driver but insisted on driving in his 90s and smashed into someone pulling out of his castle.

Make sure your parents have umbrella coverage equal to their net worth and absolutely convince them to stop driving. Hire a driving service.

Your father has a responsibility to keep your mother from driving. He should hide the car keys and refuse to let her drive.

I know it's tough to do, but you have to weigh risks vs. benefits.

My father had terminal cancer, was on morphine, his doctor told him point-blank no more driving. We got out to parking lot and he wanted to get behind the wheel. I yelled at him (first time I can remember doing so) and told him to give me the damn keys because I was NOT going to let him kill someone else on the road. Was that what he was trying to do?

He got so mad he threw the keys on the pavement. It was heartbreaking. The man survived so much in his life, including combat during WWII, yet he could no longer drive.

If she knows she has dementia, or your father knows, and she is allowed to keep driving even if she shouldn’t, then that negligence would open them up to a big jury verdict against them. Plus, you know, the point that they don’t want to hurt anybody.

The standards for civil liability are different from criminality.

Well,if they are Jacqueline Mars, they can pay out a couple of millions to make it go away.

In normal times you would ask the police (anonymously) to send your mom a letter saying she has to go to the DMV and prove she can still drive.

If she "can still drive" there is not extra liability.

She is not going to jail for being old and getting in an accident.

If she was diagnosed with dementia, it would be different possibly.

AARP has tips on their site about how to have the conversation.

Sadly, I have experience with this. If your mom is not speeding or under the influence, criminal charges are unlikely. But the injured party or their family can bring a civil suit for damages and most likely would do so. If it’s beyond the limits of their insurance, then personal assets, including their home, are at risk. Then there’s the emotional impact for driver and spouse of having been in a fatal or injurious accident, and the anxiety of a legal case that drags on for years. It’s hard to have these conversations—good luck.

My parents live on the west coast and I haven't seen my mom in about a year (and right now, who knows how long it will be till I see her again?) According to my dad and brother (who lives close to them) she is showing the signs of having alzheimer's with dementia. From phone conversations I've had with her, I can definitely see it too.

My dad thinks she is still ok to drive. My brother disagrees and would like to try to discuss that with my mom when he visits (no they are not "social distancing" but that is a whole other situation... ) Apparently about a month ago (before the stay at home orders took affect) my Dad had an eye doctors appointment and of course couldn't drive himself home, so my mom drove him. It was about a 30 minute drive and included some freeway driving (San Diego, 805 if you're familiar.)

If my mom did continue to drive, and got into an accident and ended up seriously injuring or even killing someone, what kind of legal repercussions could there be? She could go to jail? The family of the victim could sue my parents? Does my Dad hold more liability if he knows she is not fit to be driving and still encouraged her to drive on her own?