Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 12:17     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering what it looks like for others? I’m so bored, lonely and frustrated but can’t decide if it’s my age, this time of life or if it’s my marriage that is so difficult. Are you happy? Do you have true connection and friendship? Am I just ungrateful?


It's interesting that you did not mention resentment or bitterness. Dig deeper and see what the cause is of your boredom, loneliness and frustration. Those are 3 distinct areas and may not be attributable to your marriage. Boredom can be solved by activities and depending on who you do the activity with, that will solve your loneliness. Are you sure it's your marriage?

As for me, I've been in and out of a "depressed" state in my 16 year marriage for the last couple/few years. My spouse doesn't feel that the marriage is the problem. So I started working on myself. Physical activity does wonders. I also took the initiative to spur more conversation with my spouse, spend more time together (some might call this date night but sometimes these were during the day, without our kids), and got some 1 on 1 counseling (some from friends, some professional). Long story short, there was a lot of stuff happening in my mind and in my heart and I had to address and organize that first before I brought my spouse into it. Like other posters have said, marriage is always a work in progress and I wish you the best on your journey. I'm learning that a good marriage is different for everyone and that it is the journey, not the destination that I should focus on.

Similar story. Did you try meds, too?
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 11:45     Subject: Re:Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
NP,!thise Middle Ages are difficult for sure because life is extremely busy, kids still are at home and require time, you are often at career peak and are still ambitious etc. this means that there are a lot ignored stresses and life is all about routine.

So the point being that it’s a phase in life and things get better as life situation and life stressors change. It’s normal what you are going through unless you are aware and plan to change things.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 11:29     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering what it looks like for others? I’m so bored, lonely and frustrated but can’t decide if it’s my age, this time of life or if it’s my marriage that is so difficult. Are you happy? Do you have true connection and friendship? Am I just ungrateful?


It's interesting that you did not mention resentment or bitterness. Dig deeper and see what the cause is of your boredom, loneliness and frustration. Those are 3 distinct areas and may not be attributable to your marriage. Boredom can be solved by activities and depending on who you do the activity with, that will solve your loneliness. Are you sure it's your marriage?

As for me, I've been in and out of a "depressed" state in my 16 year marriage for the last couple/few years. My spouse doesn't feel that the marriage is the problem. So I started working on myself. Physical activity does wonders. I also took the initiative to spur more conversation with my spouse, spend more time together (some might call this date night but sometimes these were during the day, without our kids), and got some 1 on 1 counseling (some from friends, some professional). Long story short, there was a lot of stuff happening in my mind and in my heart and I had to address and organize that first before I brought my spouse into it. Like other posters have said, marriage is always a work in progress and I wish you the best on your journey. I'm learning that a good marriage is different for everyone and that it is the journey, not the destination that I should focus on.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 11:05     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Anonymous wrote:Sadly, my spouse is terminally ill. How I wish we had more time together. It’s not been perfect, but it’s been wonderful. So many little things I will miss.


I am so sorry.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 11:04     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
15 years was probably a low point for me. That's when my sexual frustration was at its peak. At 20 years, things are much better. The sex situation didn't really change, but my resentment has cooled.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:55     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering what it looks like for others? I’m so bored, lonely and frustrated but can’t decide if it’s my age, this time of life or if it’s my marriage that is so difficult. Are you happy? Do you have true connection and friendship? Am I just ungrateful?


Am I happy? No. I want a life back. My husband wants HIS life to not change - do what he wants, when he wants. Kids are now grown. Things are gonna change.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:41     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We are happy (married almost 16 years). We have 2 teenage sons and have a very good work-life balance, which makes all the difference in my mind. Sure, we occasionally annoy each other but we don't hold on to things and we love talking with each other and traveling together. Our biggest issue is probably that I am not as interested in having sex as he is at this point in our marriage, largely due to some health issues that make me very tired by the end of the day. There is still a lot of love there though.


What does a good work/life balance look like and how does that help the marriage? We both have good jobs and neither of us works long hours, but would be nice if one of us could be home one day a week or could telework more to be around for the kids. That is a constant strain. Married 15 years (this month!), and were together 6 years before. Have two kids--tween and elementary-aged. We've had our ups and downs. Shifting from couple to parents is hard. Overall, he's a good husband and I can't complain, but we're basically roommates at this point. It's fine because I like having my alone time in the evenings to piddle around and do the stuff I want to get done, but we've both become complacent and set in our ways. I think that once the kids are older and we can spend more time doing what we used to do pre-kids, the dynamics may shift again.


PP here. So we both work 40 hour weeks on the same schedule (we even commute in and out of work together). Neither of us have to work on weekends other than rarely. Because of this (and my DH's preference for having and being a true partner) we make dinner together, have family time often, and are connecting with each other throughout the day. So I have still the marriage I wanted when we first started dating and got married. I think we are really good (at this point especially) at sharing the load of family life. Plus I still think he's cute and he still makes me laugh. We don't always agree about things but each of us is willing to listen to what the other person needs and wants to try and accommodate that.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:34     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Anonymous wrote:We are happy (married almost 16 years). We have 2 teenage sons and have a very good work-life balance, which makes all the difference in my mind. Sure, we occasionally annoy each other but we don't hold on to things and we love talking with each other and traveling together. Our biggest issue is probably that I am not as interested in having sex as he is at this point in our marriage, largely due to some health issues that make me very tired by the end of the day. There is still a lot of love there though.

+1 me too, but kids are 11 and 14.

Our marriage has actually never been better. I attribute it to much much lower stress level after we moved to a lower col area and reduced work stress. Our lives are pretty easy, and maybe OP would find it boring, but I am very content with my "boring" life. No drama; no issues; financially secure; kids and us generally healthy; kids doing well in school.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:31     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Anonymous wrote:We are happy (married almost 16 years). We have 2 teenage sons and have a very good work-life balance, which makes all the difference in my mind. Sure, we occasionally annoy each other but we don't hold on to things and we love talking with each other and traveling together. Our biggest issue is probably that I am not as interested in having sex as he is at this point in our marriage, largely due to some health issues that make me very tired by the end of the day. There is still a lot of love there though.


What does a good work/life balance look like and how does that help the marriage? We both have good jobs and neither of us works long hours, but would be nice if one of us could be home one day a week or could telework more to be around for the kids. That is a constant strain. Married 15 years (this month!), and were together 6 years before. Have two kids--tween and elementary-aged. We've had our ups and downs. Shifting from couple to parents is hard. Overall, he's a good husband and I can't complain, but we're basically roommates at this point. It's fine because I like having my alone time in the evenings to piddle around and do the stuff I want to get done, but we've both become complacent and set in our ways. I think that once the kids are older and we can spend more time doing what we used to do pre-kids, the dynamics may shift again.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:29     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
OMG, yes. It is your age. It is your situation. It is boredom. It may be resentment. It may be work. It may be because you need some excitement in your life. Your 40s are the most difficult time, for both men and women. For a lot of women it iS DOUBLY difficult because of perimenopause.


Your kids are bigger, and don't need you or want you as much. Your spouse is ... well, they are your spouse you've known them a long time and you love them but they might annoy you some .... your work? You tell me. Is it engaging? Do you love it? or is it frustrating?

What do you do for you? Exercise? Yoga? Meditation? Retreats? Do you put you first ever (or is it always the kids?). Do you have hobbies? Do you have friends? Do you make time for your friends and hobbies?

So, yes, it could be any combination of the things you mentioned, and more. Y
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:17     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Sadly, my spouse is terminally ill. How I wish we had more time together. It’s not been perfect, but it’s been wonderful. So many little things I will miss.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:13     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Marriage is all about adapting. People who expect the honeymoon stage to continue are delusional. And in most cases, the person you married becomes a parent, which open up a whole new set of dynamics.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:11     Subject: Re:Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
Married for over 16 years. Together for 21 years. In an open marriage now. Have our ups and downs. Try open marriage....changes your perspective on things. at least for us it did. Bought us closer together knowing that there is plenty of attention that we both can get. And our play time together has gotten a lot more passionate. More sex. More dates. Just not enough time and money.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:03     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
We are happy (married almost 16 years). We have 2 teenage sons and have a very good work-life balance, which makes all the difference in my mind. Sure, we occasionally annoy each other but we don't hold on to things and we love talking with each other and traveling together. Our biggest issue is probably that I am not as interested in having sex as he is at this point in our marriage, largely due to some health issues that make me very tired by the end of the day. There is still a lot of love there though.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2020 10:00     Subject: Talk to me about your 15 year marriage
I’m wondering what it looks like for others? I’m so bored, lonely and frustrated but can’t decide if it’s my age, this time of life or if it’s my marriage that is so difficult. Are you happy? Do you have true connection and friendship? Am I just ungrateful?