I think it needs to be discussed in a non accusatory way. Why do you think the situation is unsafe? Why do you think it's not a good idea? When you break it down, sometimes it's easy to tell if you're overreacting or not.

For instance, my MIL allows for screen time and sweets than I would prefer. But it's not going to damage DS for a weekend so I keep my mouth shut. Putting my foot down there is an overreaction.

No way in hell I'd allow my 2 year old on a boat without me or DH because there is a major risk there. That's not an overreaction.

going fishing for example, Op?

My inlaws live in a very rural area near a small town. They do not believe in car seats and DH and would go around and around and around about it. IT was my hill to die on. That until i knew that they would use the car seats or our kids could tell us if they didn't it was a HARD no for them keeping the kids for longer than an hour or so. They were also sneaky about giving foods we asked them not to (choking hazzards to toddlers wandering around the house and not sitting at the table as an example) and always were vocal they didn't agree with our parenting style.

Whoever feels more strongly wins, and whoever is erring on the side of caution wins.

Anonymous wrote:I'd have to listen to your reasoning for you finding inlaws to be untrustworthy.

From the list, without any backgrounds, makes you sound controlling and overprotective (which may or may not be the case, hard to tell).

I don't get that feeling at all. But my in laws who were very hands on gps to older grandkids were using poor judgement because of age related neurological decline by the time my kids came along.

People can be great and loving grandparents but also not able to safely take a 2 yr old for a day.

My own father could have never stayed with my kids.

My mom is and has been fine.

Most conservative approach wins. Basically it takes two yeses to make a yes.

My dh is the overprotective one so I had to bend a lot.

I'd have to listen to your reasoning for you finding inlaws to be untrustworthy.

From the list, without any backgrounds, makes you sound controlling and overprotective (which may or may not be the case, hard to tell).

I would say none of these sound Black and White. They sound like they could be dealt with pretty easily - you don't trust grandparents for the whole day, so leave kid for an hour or 2, see how it goes and build from there.

Also, a 2yo getting hurt is a "real possibility" no matter who they are with - that's an age where they fall, do dumb things, have no common sense AT ALL and the caregiver doesn't make much difference. The setting of the caregiving does make a difference though - if grandparents house is full of breakable glass and isn't baby proof, then toddler is probably at risk of stitches - but that doesn't change when you're present with them its a constant issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you both see people connected to the other parent as unsafe actually helps. In your situation, I think you could just agree that you both need to be comfortable with a caregiver. I think it's more difficult when one parent is untrusting of all caregivers and the other parent is very comfortable.

+1 No vote wins.

That said, don't just reflexively say no. Think about what you're actually worried about and don't make it a line in the sand. My ILs are not as mobile as my mom and I don't necessarily think they have the energy to keep up with DD right now. But when she's older and better at following directions I think she can spend the night at their house, go with them to watch movies, etc. They're not careless or irresponsible, they're just not in the best health. A no now isn't a no forever, y'know?

This.

I think it’s much easier to say “Great idea! But not yet.” than to say no altogether. Instead of focusing on why it doesn’t work right now, focus on talking about why it will work later.

You can also couch it as concern for the in-laws, not to overexert them.

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you both see people connected to the other parent as unsafe actually helps. In your situation, I think you could just agree that you both need to be comfortable with a caregiver. I think it's more difficult when one parent is untrusting of all caregivers and the other parent is very comfortable.

+1 No vote wins.

That said, don't just reflexively say no. Think about what you're actually worried about and don't make it a line in the sand. My ILs are not as mobile as my mom and I don't necessarily think they have the energy to keep up with DD right now. But when she's older and better at following directions I think she can spend the night at their house, go with them to watch movies, etc. They're not careless or irresponsible, they're just not in the best health. A no now isn't a no forever, y'know?

Ask yourself what hill you want to die on. Generally, I have found I am far more likely to compromise than my DH on parenting matters. So I pick and choose my battles with him and I generally concede to whatever he wants, even when I disagree, because it’s not worth a massive argument. I routinely ask, is it more important to be right or happy (and married)?

That said, one of the downsides of having more engaged dads and two working parents is that often moms are no longer the default parent, which was how it was for my family and most families I knew growing up. That made it much easier for parenting decisions, since my mom ran the household and did the lion’s share of parenting and my dad only swooped in for disciplining. I think having two parents who are both evenly involved in running a home and raising a kid means a lot more areas to have to negotiate and compromise over, which is something I find exhausting.

Fortunately it doesn't happen too often for us, but generally the more conservative position wins. Both parents need to be comfortable with something new before it happens.
So if one parent isn't comfortable with grandpa or sister in law or whoever, they don't get to be alone with the kid.

All that said... kids can get hurt. The world is a big scary place. At some point you have to let your kid out of the bubble.
So consider WHY you think grandpa is so risky. Does he do things that are genuinely unsafe, or does he do things just not the way you would do them?
Spending time with grandparents, and learning to be away from parents are HUGELY important to a kids development.

The fact that you both see people connected to the other parent as unsafe actually helps. In your situation, I think you could just agree that you both need to be comfortable with a caregiver. I think it's more difficult when one parent is untrusting of all caregivers and the other parent is very comfortable.

Particularly when they involve other people / family - eg

- spouse thinks his dad is careful enough to take 2yo for day, you think 2yo getting hurt is a real possibility
- you think your sister taking your kids once a week is great, spouse thinks sister exposes them to too much and doesn’t want her alone with them regularly
- spouse thinks toddler is ready to spend weekend with grandparents - you don’t agree

Does the no win? The person whose family it is? The person whose family it isn’t?

The general theme for us is my dh wants to let his parents do things with toddler that I don’t think are safe, they’re just not that careful or aware of the risks. However I don’t think my being the mom somehow always trumps his decision as the dad, he obviously should get an equal day in decisions generally so trying to figure out how to fairly navigate this