Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have much rather aged in place. The nursing home provided minimal care, few activities and the residents were rarely changed or taken to the bathroom, questionable feeding, showers twice a week only and more. Aging in place assumes the person can afford a place and help.

Are you a ghost?

LOL, but serious though, the people who say now that’s what they want either have not been through it with a loved one or they are already too out of it to see the gaping holes.

People have no idea how much it costs. I horrified all of my coworkers this week and several plan to talk to their parents this weekend.

My best friend was diagnosed with a health issue and needed to be hospitalized for two weeks. During this time, no one from her family could visit her relative. Her relative ended up in the hospital for an untreated issue that the home health care aides missed because they were so dependent on the family to alert them to changes.

I cared for my MIL in our home for about a year. Having help would have been amazing. Then she went into a nursing home and got minimal care at best and quickly declined. Some of us have an idea what it all costs. You haven't been through it and talk about friends but some of us have been through it. For $10-12K, the cost of the nursing home, we could have used that money to hire aides and have her stay with us and get her the care she needed but medicaid only would pay for a nursing home.

What Medicaid pays for varies by state, in some states it pays for care at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have much rather aged in place. The nursing home provided minimal care, few activities and the residents were rarely changed or taken to the bathroom, questionable feeding, showers twice a week only and more. Aging in place assumes the person can afford a place and help.

Are you a ghost?

LOL, but serious though, the people who say now that’s what they want either have not been through it with a loved one or they are already too out of it to see the gaping holes.

People have no idea how much it costs. I horrified all of my coworkers this week and several plan to talk to their parents this weekend.

My best friend was diagnosed with a health issue and needed to be hospitalized for two weeks. During this time, no one from her family could visit her relative. Her relative ended up in the hospital for an untreated issue that the home health care aides missed because they were so dependent on the family to alert them to changes.

I cared for my MIL in our home for about a year. Having help would have been amazing. Then she went into a nursing home and got minimal care at best and quickly declined. Some of us have an idea what it all costs. You haven't been through it and talk about friends but some of us have been through it. For $10-12K, the cost of the nursing home, we could have used that money to hire aides and have her stay with us and get her the care she needed but medicaid only would pay for a nursing home.

I absolutely agree with OP. What's worse is that we saw a sharp increase in FILs cognitive function when he moved into a memory care unit.

It was his wife who insisted on age in place, but she also wouldn't do any work to help it happen. We had been pushing for memory care for years, but she wouldn't allow it. He was so much happier in the memory care facility, though, and his mental function improved.

Most care options for the elderly are about separating the family from any and all funds. Appointment after appointment after appointment, therapies that serve no purpose, etc etc. Once you hit a certain age and condition, a life of endless tending to the physical is a nightmare. Yet we all do it, because why? Can't bear to think of pop pop dying at 90?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad got much better care at home than in a nursing home where he was left in his own waste often and shared “PT” daily with 6-10 other patients and one therapist. At home, he had 1-1 PT, 1-1 OT, visiting nurse, home health aide, all paid for by Insurance and Medicare while we waited for Medicaid to kick in. I was able to live at home with him and I know we were lucky that he could be at home unattended while I ran errands and such. For us, though, home was a much better option.
For my mom with dementia, full time nursing home was all we could do. I couldn’t cope with being with her that much. Luckily she believed it was best, too.

What would you have done if you needed to work FT outside of the home?

We solved that issue by having my father move in with me and then we just had to cover days. He moved into DH and my bedroom and we moved into one of our son's bedrooms and he moved to the basement (his choice- he could have shared with his brother).

Anonymous wrote:My dad got much better care at home than in a nursing home where he was left in his own waste often and shared “PT” daily with 6-10 other patients and one therapist. At home, he had 1-1 PT, 1-1 OT, visiting nurse, home health aide, all paid for by Insurance and Medicare while we waited for Medicaid to kick in. I was able to live at home with him and I know we were lucky that he could be at home unattended while I ran errands and such. For us, though, home was a much better option.
For my mom with dementia, full time nursing home was all we could do. I couldn’t cope with being with her that much. Luckily she believed it was best, too.

What would you have done if you needed to work FT outside of the home?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have much rather aged in place. The nursing home provided minimal care, few activities and the residents were rarely changed or taken to the bathroom, questionable feeding, showers twice a week only and more. Aging in place assumes the person can afford a place and help.

Are you a ghost?

LOL, but serious though, the people who say now that’s what they want either have not been through it with a loved one or they are already too out of it to see the gaping holes.

People have no idea how much it costs. I horrified all of my coworkers this week and several plan to talk to their parents this weekend.

My best friend was diagnosed with a health issue and needed to be hospitalized for two weeks. During this time, no one from her family could visit her relative. Her relative ended up in the hospital for an untreated issue that the home health care aides missed because they were so dependent on the family to alert them to changes.

My mom stayed at home until <24 hours Before her death when hospice moved her to their facility. It was what she wanted and we were glad to give it to her. My sister and I tag teamed and my father had a hard time-most of which was because he was losing his partner of 50+ years.

With my Dad, we moved him up to our home (from NC to NoVa) for what was his last illness. He needed radiation after surgery and it was difficult to find someone where he lived to help and we did not want him to be alone. That is what worked out to be the best for us. He had family around and could participate in life as much as possible. He would have gone much faster if he were in a nursing home or living on his own. It was difficult of course, but it was worth it for us.

I think aging in place works until it doesn’t. Everyone has different circumstances and options and what is the right decision for some is not for others.

My dad got much better care at home than in a nursing home where he was left in his own waste often and shared “PT” daily with 6-10 other patients and one therapist. At home, he had 1-1 PT, 1-1 OT, visiting nurse, home health aide, all paid for by Insurance and Medicare while we waited for Medicaid to kick in. I was able to live at home with him and I know we were lucky that he could be at home unattended while I ran errands and such. For us, though, home was a much better option.
For my mom with dementia, full time nursing home was all we could do. I couldn’t cope with being with her that much. Luckily she believed it was best, too.

You can't make blanket statements, OP.

My MIL is having a wonderful experience aging in place. She has several chronic conditions, including Parkinson's, and she thought this through years ago: she selected her caregivers herself and pays a rotation of them so that she's covered even if one of them has an emergency (and one of them did), and they all love her. They're not expensive compared to a home, the effort involved was in the *selection* of honest and caring folk.

When her medical needs force her into a specialized facility, she'll be miserable. But we're doing all we can to push that day into the future.

Anonymous wrote:I would have much rather aged in place. The nursing home provided minimal care, few activities and the residents were rarely changed or taken to the bathroom, questionable feeding, showers twice a week only and more. Aging in place assumes the person can afford a place and help.

Are you a ghost?

I would have much rather aged in place. The nursing home provided minimal care, few activities and the residents were rarely changed or taken to the bathroom, questionable feeding, showers twice a week only and more. Aging in place assumes the person can afford a place and help.

OP, this is a very interesting and compelling take on aging in place. So much really depends on the caregivers and the family member. We were winging it with my mom until a medical event occurred that compelled her to have to move to a nursing home. TBH, we were secretly grateful as there was no money for home health aides, etc and we were able to get her into the best option. She had no complaints about being moved. She relished the community and conversation - more than what she was experiencing when being home on her own with periodic check-ins. Nearly all of the staff were great - the only ones I didn't like were ones who shirked work and increased the burdens for other staff.

TY for sharing your relative's story - may be helpful to other families in similar circumstances.

My parents were very insistent they would age in place.
That worked until about age 75. They refused in home help, so when the crisis hit (dementia for one, hospitalization for another), things got really bad really quick.
They also refused to make their house accessible (simple things like shower chair etc).
It was all Denial and they ended up having to move eventually anyway.

I used to be a fan of the idea until I lived it first hand. It makes me think of the wedding industry and how many people profit from deluding these brides into spending a fortune. The different in quality of care and well being of all of us expected to be secondary caregivers was startling when we finally went with a memory care unit. I feel like the people who profited the most and screwed us the most were nursing care agencies. The case manager would tell horror stories about the level of care in a facility so you upped the care at home to 24-7-cha ching. People didn't show. One persons stole money. Another stole alcohol. Yes, there were good ones, but there was high turnover. Family are getting burned out filling in for those who don't show up while dealing with the stress of their own families and jobs and case manager makes you feel guilty for considering residential. The sanity of caregivers was not considered. Case Manager wanted to keep the money flowing. I now realize the case managers who seemed so wonderful having doctors who could show up at the house, nurses and aides they managed and PTs, etc were trying to keep the gravy train.

Residential has been a godsend. There are activities that keep our loved one much happier and more engaged than any at home caregiver. Falls are attended to just as quickly which means yes, sometimes it can be hours, other times right away. The staff is friendly. Our parent is safe and content.

The transition was awful and the guilt, partially induced by the supposedly helpful case managers was at times unbearable, but I now realize we were feeding a greedy industry. The horror stories were to keep us as customers. The difficult transition to memory care was worth it. The case managers we dealt with should be ashamed of themselves. I have no doubt some people have bad experiences at residential, but they went out their way to bash the places in the area where our loved one lived and their accounts were so different from the reality which was much better for everyone involved.