Anonymous wrote:Keep reaching out. Tell her what you told us, that she is one of your favorite people, she was a rock for you when you needed someone, and you would love to help out if you can. Don't necessarily ask to get together with her, ask if you can watch the older kid, or run errands, or make dinner for her, or something.

From the outside, one doesn't often know what is going on.

This. She (they) are struggling. Offer to take her oldest on an outing. When you pick the kid up, take a meal or some healthy snacks. On your way over, ask if there is anything she needs from the grocery store/Target. Forget trying to get together right now. She has been a good friend to you, and you can still be her friend without you guys getting together.

Keep reaching out. Tell her what you told us, that she is one of your favorite people, she was a rock for you when you needed someone, and you would love to help out if you can. Don't necessarily ask to get together with her, ask if you can watch the older kid, or run errands, or make dinner for her, or something.

From the outside, one doesn't often know what is going on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going back to work after having my second kicked my butt for awhile--and it turns out I did develop post-partum depression.

The illnesses can be worse the second time around, as there are more people to get sick and likely less leave built up to cover it.

You recall that time as a blur--think a bit harder about what it was really like, and cut your friend some slack. Cancelling repeatedly because the baby is sick seems within the bounds of normal in the first few months back to work.

Hang in there with her. She may yet emerge from the fog.

She is one of my favorite people. I would love to help out if I could.

I once remember she offered to watch my kids so DH and I could have a date night. We had just moved to VA and she was a savior. She was definitely part of my village. I wish I could somehow repay the kindness if she would let me. When I was pregnant and nauseous, she would take my 2 kids to the pool.

I'm the PP here--you sound like a good friend. Why not offer to drop by with food? Or text her funny memes, that sort of thing. That always helped.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this person sounds like she has been a wonderful friend to you. Don’t give up on reaching out! My youngest just turned 1 but she is constantly sick, so I feel for your friend.

Her child goes to daycare so I don’t doubt that he is often sick.

I remember when I had 2 in daycare, they were always sick. I probably cancelled back then too. I obviously wouldn’t go on a play date or outing if my child had a fever or was vomiting. My memory is hazy.

I will continue to reach out and hopefully we can get together in the spring and summer.

OP, this person sounds like she has been a wonderful friend to you. Don’t give up on reaching out! My youngest just turned 1 but she is constantly sick, so I feel for your friend.

Anonymous wrote:Going back to work after having my second kicked my butt for awhile--and it turns out I did develop post-partum depression.

The illnesses can be worse the second time around, as there are more people to get sick and likely less leave built up to cover it.

You recall that time as a blur--think a bit harder about what it was really like, and cut your friend some slack. Cancelling repeatedly because the baby is sick seems within the bounds of normal in the first few months back to work.

Hang in there with her. She may yet emerge from the fog.

She is one of my favorite people. I would love to help out if I could.

I once remember she offered to watch my kids so DH and I could have a date night. We had just moved to VA and she was a savior. She was definitely part of my village. I wish I could somehow repay the kindness if she would let me. When I was pregnant and nauseous, she would take my 2 kids to the pool.

I wasn't working when I had two, but I imagine it's a very difficult transition. This could be a lot of things - medical issues, marriage problems you don't know about, post partum, issues with extended family, who knows. You never really know what is going on behind closed doors and it may not even really be about the second child at all. Frankly, it could also be that she doesn't see the friendship as worth continuing for whatever reasons.

When my second was 9mo - 28mo is was the longest, worse “year” of our lives. At least one person in my family was sick from Labor Day until Memorial Day that year - strep, flu, vomiting, pneumonia, croup, shingles, hand foot mouth, it was relentless. My 2nd child didn’t sleep through the night until after he turned 2. He would cry and throw up if we left him alone so we slept on his floor. He would have night terrors 1-2 hours a night 3-4 times a week. I am amazed I stayed employed. I did nothing social during that time and looking back I was clearly depressed. I came out of my fog with barely any friends. I wish some of them had kept reaching out or not given up on me.

I think how much of a lifestyle change #2 is is really dependent upon the father. A hustling mother can take care of one child without much issue. It's where #2 arrives and she can't do it all that cracks start to appear. If the father isn't all hands on deck, the mother can get stretched really thin.

Going back to work after having my second kicked my butt for awhile--and it turns out I did develop post-partum depression.

The illnesses can be worse the second time around, as there are more people to get sick and likely less leave built up to cover it.

You recall that time as a blur--think a bit harder about what it was really like, and cut your friend some slack. Cancelling repeatedly because the baby is sick seems within the bounds of normal in the first few months back to work.

Hang in there with her. She may yet emerge from the fog.

I don’t understand your post. If you have three kids you understand that adding a second child is hard- you say it was a blur for you. You seem judgemental.

It’s as hard as it is. Every woman is different. Every baby is different. Not everything is about you and not every mother who has a harder time with her babies than you may have is a somehow lesser mother.

When I cancel things like your friend is doing, it’s because my DH is causing problems and we’re covering for it.

In our case, the issue is autism and ADHD that weren’t diagnosed until we had children. My DH appears very “capable and hands on”, because I cover for him. He has horrible anxiety before and after socializing and causes such messes and disarray at home that having people over isn’t worth the stress.

She's working and wants to hang out with her family!

I have 3 kids. My oldest 2 were 2 years apart and those early years were a blur. I did try to meet parents and made some good friends during those toddler and preschool years.

I have a friend who used to have 1 child when I had 2. She was such a good friend. Our oldest were friends and she would always offer to hold my baby. We hung out often. We both worked back then. At some point, I stopped working and had a third child. We still hung out often. She helped throw me a sprinkle. She has always been overly generous and I like her a lot.

This friend had a baby recently (last year). I really wanted to throw her a sprinkle and she refused. When she was on maternity leave, we got together once a week. I gave her a lot of our baby gear. She went back to work and she suddenly seems totally unavailable. She cancels often saying her baby is sick. We used to hang out with and without kids and her husband is very hands on and capable.

As I type this, I wonder if she is going through something. DH thinks she doesn’t want to hang out with us anymore. She has declined or cancelled the last 5-6 times I have reached out.