Anonymous wrote:Let me guess - he works full time and you are a SHAM, am i right?

No reason to guess this. If you pay any attention at all, one of the recurring complaints on this board is that women get stuck doing all of this stuff whether they work outside the home or not. And she's not even asking him to plan anything, just be present for his own kid's birthday.

Let me guess - he works full time and you are a SHAM, am i right?

DH here. Your DH sounds like clueless fool. What game night does he have every week? He needs to grow up.

DW handles my birthday, I get a card and a small gift. I handle everything else. I also never blew off a birthday to hang out with friends

This is kind of an ongoing issue for us. He would never miss our kid's birthday or anything like that. But he doesn't take initiative to do anything for birthdays or other occasions. He actually just said to me the other day "we're not doing anything for each other for Valentine's Day, right?". I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day, but I do think it's important to model for the kids that the parents do nice things for each other on birthdays and other occasions.

DH and I have pared gifts to each other down to birthdays. We tend to buy something we both want for the holidays--like this past year we bought a new refrigerator as our holiday gift to each other. But he tends to fall pretty flat on the one time a year he needs to think of a gift for me which bums me out more than I'd like to admit. A few years ago I had my best friend tell him that he needed to at least get me a cake for my birthday after I was buying my own for a few years because I wanted our child to see that families celebrate each other and it's not just the parents celebrating the kids. I'll even tell him things that I would like--like there's a concert on my birthday this year that I'd love to go to and I told him that and he pooh poohed it because he doesn't like the venue. So instead he'll get me a gift certificate for a massage or something that took absolutely no forethought or effort.

I get that some people just aren't naturally into gift giving or planning things for others, but you can't expect people to celebrate you and then do jacksh*t to celebrate others.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a dad and I have not only attended every kid birthday party, but have also arranged the event, invited everyone, and (needless to say) paid for it. So much "emotional labor" for me!

Why are you putting “emotional labor” in quotes? When I plan a meeting at work, invite people, set up a venue, and set an agenda, I definitely consider it work. Most of the time it’s actually a lot less work than planning a kids birthday party.

I'm a dad and I have not only attended every kid birthday party, but have also arranged the event, invited everyone, and (needless to say) paid for it. So much "emotional labor" for me!

Yeah let him pout. Sacrificing a little fun time on occasion for your kids is just the bare minimum that you expect of a parent.

OP. Thank you - I want to know if I’m having unreasonable expectations, but I don’t think that’s the case!

Omg not okay at all to miss a kids birthday like that. My husband doesn’t do anything for our kids birthdays except show up but that’s just what our division of labor happened to turn out to be, and he would never miss it, especially not for friends.

Yes, he does. He took over planning our DD's bday last month (I wanted something lower-key and as the person who wanted more, he handled it). He never forgets my bday, he gives good Christmas presents, and he remembers our anniversary more often than I do.

When it comes to the Christmas presents, I had to tell him it hurt my feelings to keep getting the same massage Groupon for my birthday and Christmas when we were dating, but he's stepped it up since then on his own. The rest is his personality.

He and the kids get me a present and cake. I handle the kid birthdays.

You can't miss your kid's birthday.

Mine would never forget our birthdays on purpose. He might not put a huge effort into it but he doesn't forget or ignore it. Missing DC birthday is not ok.

Mine is pouting because it’s DC’s birthday next week and I asked him to reconsider his weekly game night with friends so that we can eat dinner together as a family. It never dawned on him to not go to the game, nor did it dawn on him to buy a gift or cake, or to do anything.

He forgets my birthday and is generally clueless and selfish, but it makes me sad that his priorities involve sports and his buddies. He can plan well in advance for his hobbies, but puts forth zero effort for anything involving family.