Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny and worked for a family like this through their divorce. Dad felt that mom was wasting his money and wouldn’t pay because he believed it was all unnecessary.

Doctor bills: mom preferred a more expensive holistic doctor to treat the kid’s chronic asthma, so dad refused to pay. Dad did not seek alternatives that were less expensive, did not make any appointments or manage any treatments, and in fact did not even give them meds during overnights, leading to at least one asthma attack.

The kid was diagnosed with autism. Dad didn’t believe that autism is real, so he refused to pay for any therapy, tutoring, medication, etc.

Dad didn’t care about extracurriculars so he didn’t pay for them.

How is this not child neglect?

I’m a nanny and worked for a family like this through their divorce. Dad felt that mom was wasting his money and wouldn’t pay because he believed it was all unnecessary.

Doctor bills: mom preferred a more expensive holistic doctor to treat the kid’s chronic asthma, so dad refused to pay. Dad did not seek alternatives that were less expensive, did not make any appointments or manage any treatments, and in fact did not even give them meds during overnights, leading to at least one asthma attack.

The kid was diagnosed with autism. Dad didn’t believe that autism is real, so he refused to pay for any therapy, tutoring, medication, etc.

Dad didn’t care about extracurriculars so he didn’t pay for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not in this situation but I've had discussions with men who are. My sense is they often feel justified because - angry at mom
think the mom keeps them from their kids or poisons their kids against them
don't believe the expenses are necessary or real
grossly underestimate how much a child costs
thinks child support should cover everything so no indicidentals needed
feel like they can't afford to pay what is due and support themselves.

I don't understand how this is a thing in the world we live in? There are apps and screenshots. You can take a photo of a bill from the dentist and send it to dad then and there. I'm not asking them to pay a random estimate, I'm curious why when the dentist's bill is $400, dad is MIA. It's your kid, too. You also can make the payment or feel free to take him to the dentist. But if you chose to allow mom to do all the emotional labor of scheduling and taking the kid, and then not chip in, I don't understand it.

You are assuming the dad looks at it that way. Many don't. They have a bunch of excuses in their head: angry at mom so won't pay; wasn't consulted on spend so won't pay; feel child support amount is too high so won't pay, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not in this situation but I've had discussions with men who are. My sense is they often feel justified because - angry at mom
think the mom keeps them from their kids or poisons their kids against them
don't believe the expenses are necessary or real
grossly underestimate how much a child costs
thinks child support should cover everything so no indicidentals needed
feel like they can't afford to pay what is due and support themselves.

I don't understand how this is a thing in the world we live in? There are apps and screenshots. You can take a photo of a bill from the dentist and send it to dad then and there. I'm not asking them to pay a random estimate, I'm curious why when the dentist's bill is $400, dad is MIA. It's your kid, too. You also can make the payment or feel free to take him to the dentist. But if you chose to allow mom to do all the emotional labor of scheduling and taking the kid, and then not chip in, I don't understand it.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not in this situation but I've had discussions with men who are. My sense is they often feel justified because - angry at mom
think the mom keeps them from their kids or poisons their kids against them
don't believe the expenses are necessary or real
grossly underestimate how much a child costs
thinks child support should cover everything so no indicidentals needed
feel like they can't afford to pay what is due and support themselves.

I think there's also a passive resistance at play. Mom will take care of it if I don't pay, so I can get away with it. The same reason they can neglect household chores - someone else (wife/mom) will take care of it eventually, so I'll just not bother.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you both have to bear the brunt of this. But this is my exact issue, WHY? Why are men not stepping up? How do you consider yourself a decent human when you're cheating another person?

They don't do it because they don't have to, they don't view the children as being cheated because the other parent does take care of it, they don't generally care if the other parent is being cheated, hence the divorce. I had my ex's wages garnished, otherwise he would have never paid anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you both have to bear the brunt of this. But this is my exact issue, WHY? Why are men not stepping up? How do you consider yourself a decent human when you're cheating another person?

Moms cheat, take the kids and refuse dad contact too

No $ht. My question was: if you share custody, and you have a legal obligation to pay 50% of your kid's expenses, and your kid needs glasses, or braces, or allergy shots, why are you not paying. Everything else can have its own thread.

I'm not in this situation but I've had discussions with men who are. My sense is they often feel justified because - angry at mom
think the mom keeps them from their kids or poisons their kids against them
don't believe the expenses are necessary or real
grossly underestimate how much a child costs
thinks child support should cover everything so no indicidentals needed
feel like they can't afford to pay what is due and support themselves.

Anonymous wrote:And I know moms who don’t use the child support appropriately, communicate with dad in the reds or pay their share.

I asked a specific question, I want to hear from dads who choose not to pay their children's costs. You can start a new thread and gripe about the moms above all you want.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you both have to bear the brunt of this. But this is my exact issue, WHY? Why are men not stepping up? How do you consider yourself a decent human when you're cheating another person?

Moms cheat, take the kids and refuse dad contact too

And I know moms who don’t use the child support appropriately, communicate with dad in the reds or pay their share.

I'm sorry you both have to bear the brunt of this. But this is my exact issue, WHY? Why are men not stepping up? How do you consider yourself a decent human when you're cheating another person?

Single mom here. My ex pays CS sometimes and sometimes he pays it on time. After 14 yrs of this, I'm kind of like the PP. If he pays, great. If not, I cannot allow myself to be pissed off every single month. I don't count CS in my budget. It's an extra. His thinking is that I can just use my credit card (and I have to fairly frequently). It's too bad I can't send him the bill for the interest charges caused because he doesn't pay.

Single mom to single mom...let that shot go. That course of thinking will steal every single ounce of joy from your life. I went to therapy and worked through those ideals and have never been happier. CBT can work wonders. I dont worry about him, his money, his money for our kids, his anything! I have zero mental energy invested and although we are broke as all hell I am so happy and fulfilled. I did it for my kids because eveveeveven when you think you dont talk about it in front of them they can pick up on your energy and vibe so quickly.

I know so many women who end up having to be the sole providers for their kids, financially, despite sharing custody. They pay medical, dental, and education costs although their agreements say they're to be split. Mom handles it because the kids need her to, or because registration dates passed and dad said he'd do it and doesn't. So mom does it, she sends dad the bill, their agreement says dad is to split the bill and dad just doesn't pay. So mom's only recourse is to keep going back to court. Aside from abusers in the marriage remain abusers in the divorce diagnosis, which in this case I'm assuming translates into dad won't pay half the insurance cost or chip in for braces because it's an abuse dynamic, what is your excuse? I want to hear. What makes these stories even more disgusting is these dads don't pay alimony or child support, so it's not like they're assuming these costs are covered.

What is your excuse that you have brought children into the world, and pretend to share custody of those children, yet take zero responsibility for their costs? Enlighten me.