Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting how people in this board are very understanding about men who are unemployed (or underemployed) and yet there’s so much disdain for SAHMs. This is baffling because often - like in OP’s case - these men are making home life more difficult for their families as opposed to the SAHM who takes on most of the house responsibilities.

I really don’t get it.

Being laid off from a job is psychologically different than being a SAHM by choice. I am a SAHM so obviously do not disdain SAHM's.

I do think that OP's DH may be trying to contribute at home and instead, is creating chaos because routines have already been established.

OP, it sounds like depression-- a layoff is demoralizing for most people + the anxiety leading up to it was probably draining as well. If you have good insurance, your DH might benefit from therapy to deal with his emotions + he needs a job search plan each day (getting a resume out, network with friends/colleagues before those contacts run cold). The anxiety can be paralyzing. Your DH may be afraid that he won't find work, and it's causing avoidance (this is where therapy and a daily job search effort can help).

I haven’t been in exactly this same position, but my husband keeps promising that he is going to look for a job near both of our families (about 800 miles away), and he never actually looks.
I have tried many things, but eventually learned that there really isn’t anything you can do to make someone apply and interview for a job if they don’t want to do it themselves. So, I let it go.

If you need an extra $3k/month, then you might need to find another part time job or a higher paying job. Maybe when you start looking to see how you can bring in additional income, he will be inspired. Maybe you will find that it isn’t worth it and you don’t need it. Maybe you will find your dream job and be glad that you have flexible childcare at home with a SAHP. But you can only control what you do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happened to my father back when I was a teen, but with less financial stress. Government downsized and he took an early retirement in his mid 50's, but they would eventually need him to bring in more to support the family (kids entering college, etc). Took him 3-6 months of "decompressing" then finally he got his act together and got a decent job. I think he was just exhausted after working full-time since he was about 20.

Not making excuses, just explaining it.

We have all been working since we were 20. We are stressed and tired too. Get any job people, even if it is part time flipping burgers

“Part time flipping burgers” isn’t going to bring in $40k/year, AND will conflict with him going on interviews and meeting with potential clients. I wouldn’t advise it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should hire him a career coach. I wish I had done this during a period when my dh was unemployed. Make it the coach's thing to talk with him about options, set deadlines, etc. He's probably stuck and needs an external push but it's hard to be the supportive spouse and the push-er.

NP, sure this sounds great but not really financially responsible. Career coaches (good ones that are helpful anyway) usually cost at least $200/hr.

Right, I get that. But divorce is expensive and so is long term unemployment. We were really pinched financially and I still wish we’d done it.

I think women with strong social networks can often get job search ideas and emotional support from their networks in lieu of a coach. It sounds like he doesn’t have that.

He's probably depressed, insecure, and feeling paralyzed.

Anonymous wrote:I think you should hire him a career coach. I wish I had done this during a period when my dh was unemployed. Make it the coach's thing to talk with him about options, set deadlines, etc. He's probably stuck and needs an external push but it's hard to be the supportive spouse and the push-er.

NP, sure this sounds great but not really financially responsible. Career coaches (good ones that are helpful anyway) usually cost at least $200/hr.

It’s so interesting how people in this board are very understanding about men who are unemployed (or underemployed) and yet there’s so much disdain for SAHMs. This is baffling because often - like in OP’s case - these men are making home life more difficult for their families as opposed to the SAHM who takes on most of the house responsibilities.

I really don’t get it.

Anonymous wrote:Happened to my father back when I was a teen, but with less financial stress. Government downsized and he took an early retirement in his mid 50's, but they would eventually need him to bring in more to support the family (kids entering college, etc). Took him 3-6 months of "decompressing" then finally he got his act together and got a decent job. I think he was just exhausted after working full-time since he was about 20.

Not making excuses, just explaining it.

We have all been working since we were 20. We are stressed and tired too. Get any job people, even if it is part time flipping burgers

I think you should hire him a career coach. I wish I had done this during a period when my dh was unemployed. Make it the coach's thing to talk with him about options, set deadlines, etc. He's probably stuck and needs an external push but it's hard to be the supportive spouse and the push-er.

Happened to my father back when I was a teen, but with less financial stress. Government downsized and he took an early retirement in his mid 50's, but they would eventually need him to bring in more to support the family (kids entering college, etc). Took him 3-6 months of "decompressing" then finally he got his act together and got a decent job. I think he was just exhausted after working full-time since he was about 20.

Not making excuses, just explaining it.

Tell him to get a job at target.

My DH, was laid off and thankfully I was employed. I did notice that DH job search was not going well even though he had a good job history and references. DH, told me he was burnt out and depressed, he took about 3 months off to recover from job stresses and gained back his mental health. DH, let me know he was so burnt out in the field he was in and wanted to pursue a career in a different field, he went back to school for a year and now is working in a job that he likes. Maybe, your DH is depressed or he is confused about where to start looking.

There is no excuse for spending 3 months on a resume. Sorry, OP.

Have him read what you wrote but write it spouse to spouse. It would certainly get my attention.

Three months ago, DH was laid off from work. We knew it was coming (company was downsizing significantly, lots of layoffs) but still devastating. Fortunately, we're managing with my salary after making some significant reduction in expenses, which in the long-term is a good strategy for us. DH was in a dying industry so it was clear the subsequent job would be outside previous career path. He hated the job so working in a whole new industry isn't the worst thing in the world. We need about extra $3K/month in order be financially "comfortable." Finding a job in the $40K salary range in the DC area shouldn't be that difficult. He has several college degrees, good past work history, and several former bosses willing to provide references. However, it has been 3 months and he has not applied to a single job. Reasons, he is still working on this resume, he has contacted former clients who have some names to provide, others at his job who were laid off have been looking for months, etc. I know it's difficult to start all over again but we have children and responsibilities. I'm working 60 hour/week and exhausted. I have a demanding job but stuck with it knowing that he didn't job security. He is in constant conflict with the kids because he is home all the time and always trying to make drastic changes to family life. It's not a good situation.