Anonymous wrote:Agree with the other posts that it sounds like you guys need more downtime and less structure. Three kids (including one under 1 year old) and two working parents is a lot to handle so I would take it easy on the amount of commitments you guys make. Sure, it would be more efficient if we were all automatons that never needed a break but real people need some downtime to relax.

OP here. Yes, you are right and starting in March we will have less to do. I truly hope things will get better before then!

OP here. I want to add that DH never takes initiative when it comes to the kids (he does load the dishwasher or clean up the kitchen for example). I have to ask him to change the baby, prepare a bottle, make sure kids are eating, tide up around the house (we have a cleaning lady weekly, but we still ride up), etc. I think he has no idea what the kids eat, where their clothes are, etc.

He takes care of our finances and pays all the bills, so I am ok taking more on the kids front, I just wish it wasn’t 90%.

I also wish he wanted to spend time with them and help them grow (teach, educate, play, etc.). I can ask him to watch them and he will, but he will basically sit in their room while they play and make a mess and he will be on his phone...

Agree with the other posts that it sounds like you guys need more downtime and less structure. Three kids (including one under 1 year old) and two working parents is a lot to handle so I would take it easy on the amount of commitments you guys make. Sure, it would be more efficient if we were all automatons that never needed a break but real people need some downtime to relax.

I think you're setting yourself up for the martyr role.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your kids are getting ALL the attention, frankly. Say no to some activities. Spend quality time with your husband, or build down time into your routine, instead of treating him like a servant who just needs to do chores and sh*t with the kids. You’ve made a life that revolves completely around your kids to the utter neglect of your marriage and anyone having down time. Do your kids even know how to entertain themselves or have any “bored” time where they learn to entertain themselves? Really, hiding behind the couch crying because they’re not getting attention? The problem here is not the husband.

Agreed. I can't imagine not allowing myself or DH any downtime. That would make for some VERY cranky and exhausted parents. Your kids are 6,4,and 11 months. You don't need to be so busy with activities. Take some downtime. Build in relaxation time for BOTH of you. I get that you want DH to be more involved, but frankly your life sounds exhausting and I can't blame him for checking out a bit.

It also sounds like you have some anxiety, have you ever been diagnosed?

OP here. Our downtime is after the kids go to bed (from 8 to 11 or so). We also occasionally take a weekend trip and before baby cake we did week long trips once or twice a year. We do focus in our relationship too, but since the baby arrived it hasn’t been as easy. It’s hard for anyone to handle 3 kids with very different ages and needs.

I am a bit of an anxious person, but it has never been an issue in life. DH is the most relaxed person on the planet and I do feel that if I am not the one planning, organizing and deciding, we would still be living in his 1 bedroom apartment and would still be deciding on whether we should have kids

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone.

For whatever reason, January and February are looking crazy busy in the weekends. It’s not always like this. We are usually busy with activities Saturday and Sunday morning, but free in the afternoons. There is just a lot of birthdays, going away parties, etc.

Including the 4 year old is a good idea. We do that right before bed when 6 year old reads (for 5-10 minutes) to her sister. 4 year old is very assertive and wants me to help her read as well so basically I have to sound the words for her to repeat. 4 year old wants to feel just like the 6 year old.
I know I can do it all by myself, but they have a dad too and he is in the same room on a couch on his phone and it bothers me.

I will not sign up older DD for her Sunday class next time so we will have a whole day with no activities. I think this will help with the down time.

This is starting to affect how I see DH and how attracted I am to him as well. For the past few days I have not wanted to be close to him and everything he does (even coughing) bothers me. It has not been more than a few days that I have felt this way, but I truly hope o can snap out of it. I think that if I see him putting a little more effort in our home life, everything will get back to the way it was.

Build in downtime for each of you on the weekends.

OP here. Thanks everyone.

For whatever reason, January and February are looking crazy busy in the weekends. It’s not always like this. We are usually busy with activities Saturday and Sunday morning, but free in the afternoons. There is just a lot of birthdays, going away parties, etc.

Including the 4 year old is a good idea. We do that right before bed when 6 year old reads (for 5-10 minutes) to her sister. 4 year old is very assertive and wants me to help her read as well so basically I have to sound the words for her to repeat. 4 year old wants to feel just like the 6 year old.
I know I can do it all by myself, but they have a dad too and he is in the same room on a couch on his phone and it bothers me.

I will not sign up older DD for her Sunday class next time so we will have a whole day with no activities. I think this will help with the down time.

This is starting to affect how I see DH and how attracted I am to him as well. For the past few days I have not wanted to be close to him and everything he does (even coughing) bothers me. It has not been more than a few days that I have felt this way, but I truly hope o can snap out of it. I think that if I see him putting a little more effort in our home life, everything will get back to the way it was.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your kids are getting ALL the attention, frankly. Say no to some activities. Spend quality time with your husband, or build down time into your routine, instead of treating him like a servant who just needs to do chores and sh*t with the kids. You’ve made a life that revolves completely around your kids to the utter neglect of your marriage and anyone having down time. Do your kids even know how to entertain themselves or have any “bored” time where they learn to entertain themselves? Really, hiding behind the couch crying because they’re not getting attention? The problem here is not the husband.

Agreed. I can't imagine not allowing myself or DH any downtime. That would make for some VERY cranky and exhausted parents. Your kids are 6,4,and 11 months. You don't need to be so busy with activities. Take some downtime. Build in relaxation time for BOTH of you. I get that you want DH to be more involved, but frankly your life sounds exhausting and I can't blame him for checking out a bit.

It also sounds like you have some anxiety, have you ever been diagnosed?

Include the 4 year old in the reading. There is no reason she can't be and it may make reading more fun for your 6 year old to read to her little sibling.

Also, it seems obvious you need to cut down on some of the activities. You are both exhausted and burnt out. It's not going to get better if you both are doing something 24/7. Take a weekend where you have no activities. Both you and DH get some time alone to relax.

It sounds like your kids are getting ALL the attention, frankly. Say no to some activities. Spend quality time with your husband, or build down time into your routine, instead of treating him like a servant who just needs to do chores and sh*t with the kids. You’ve made a life that revolves completely around your kids to the utter neglect of your marriage and anyone having down time. Do your kids even know how to entertain themselves or have any “bored” time where they learn to entertain themselves? Really, hiding behind the couch crying because they’re not getting attention? The problem here is not the husband.

Why can't the 4 year old be included in the reading? Can the 6 year old read a story to the 4 year old while you supervise ? Yes, your DH needs to participate in your home life, but you can still make things easier on yourself without him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very high strung. Is your 6 year old in school? Are they behind in their reading? You need to stop worrying about the reading and 5e 11 month old talking and enjoy the time with your family. Stop putting so much pressure on everyone. Your kids will learn how to read and they will learn how to speak. It doesn’t have to be right this second.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, she is in school, but she needs to practice outside of school too. I don’t think she is behind, but many kids in her class read already and I know they read with their parents. My parents always worked with me at home and I think I/we should do the same. As for the 11 months old, I agree, but then again I feel that because he is the third, we are not spending any/enough 1 on 1 time with him either and his sisters were verbally much more ahead.
I am not worried about my kids. They are fine and smart. I would be very happy if DH just played a board game or card game with them; maybe taught them how to ride a bike or a skateboard (he loves and rides both). I wish he would put his phone away for a few hours during the weekend and spent the time focusing on our kids

OP, I get it. Three kids, though older, and have been in the same boat for a good decade. His parenting has consisted of extended screen time and yelling. I gave up and just focused on the kids and getting things done along the way. If you are at all somewhat organized, you’ll be amazed at how efficient you’ll become. The net result for us had been that the kids (teens now) and I are very close. I’ve realized that I can do this on my own and have resolved to leave once they are all in college. The kids have little respect for their father, and I do not force them to feel differently.

For those who wonder, he wasn’t like that at all in the early years. Number three and the advent of smartphones seem to have led to this. And yes, I tried to work on it but got tired of the pointless arguments.
Hugs, you’re stronger than you think.

Anonymous wrote:You sound very high strung. Is your 6 year old in school? Are they behind in their reading? You need to stop worrying about the reading and 5e 11 month old talking and enjoy the time with your family. Stop putting so much pressure on everyone. Your kids will learn how to read and they will learn how to speak. It doesn’t have to be right this second.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, she is in school, but she needs to practice outside of school too. I don’t think she is behind, but many kids in her class read already and I know they read with their parents. My parents always worked with me at home and I think I/we should do the same. As for the 11 months old, I agree, but then again I feel that because he is the third, we are not spending any/enough 1 on 1 time with him either and his sisters were verbally much more ahead.
I am not worried about my kids. They are fine and smart. I would be very happy if DH just played a board game or card game with them; maybe taught them how to ride a bike or a skateboard (he loves and rides both). I wish he would put his phone away for a few hours during the weekend and spent the time focusing on our kids

You sound very high strung. Is your 6 year old in school? Are they behind in their reading? You need to stop worrying about the reading and 5e 11 month old talking and enjoy the time with your family. Stop putting so much pressure on everyone. Your kids will learn how to read and they will learn how to speak. It doesn’t have to be right this second.

I am not sure what is going on, but for the past week or so I am always angry and snap at DH. I have been thinking about why and I think it has to do with our children and how he cares for our family.

First of all I want to say that he is a good person and we have a good relationship. We have 3 kids (6, 4, and 11 months) they are healthy, but a handful. This past year has beenwonderful, but very intense (new house, new baby, new achievements, etc.). We are all tired, our weekends are super busy with friends events, play dates, activities, birthday parties, etc. I know it’s a lot, but there is more to do at home as well and I don’t think DH does enough.

For example, after activities and birthday parties we still need to read and help my eldest learn how to read, baby is not saying any word yet and 4 year old is feeling left out. I can hold baby while I am teaching DD how to read, but I would like DH to play a game with the 4 year old. However, DH is usually on his phone any chance he gets and says he is tired (understandably). Unfortunately my middle child feels left out and I can’t include her in the reading too so I need DH to step up (I am tired too).

I just feel that my kids are not getting enough attention and I can’t do it all alone. This was clear last weekend when my 4 year old felt left out and hid behind the couch for half hour... it broke my heart... and DH was tired on his phone. We both chose to have 3 kids (actually DH pushes for the third) and I feel that he does not want to put the effort. He never reads with the oldest, rarely plays with the other two. He DOES take them to activities and birthday parties, but does not really do anything else. I am also the one getting them ready in the morning and at night (also because I work from home).

I think it is because of this that I have been upset with DH and every little thing he does I get very upset.

What can we do?
Thanks for your help!