when he asks why it is broken, show him where it is broken.

Repetitive questions are how young children establish cause/effect (thrown toy/broken toy), find connections (I threw it/I broke it), and remember.

How many times have You read your child’s favorite book to them? There are children that would sit down and listen to the same book over and over again at least 15 times in one day. Repetition and questions are how preschoolers learn. Get used to it, it’s just going to increase from here.

Shaming is (1) intentionally embarrassing your kid (making a punishment public that doesn't need to be, telling other people about the child's behavior for the purpose of making them feel bad) or (2) saying something intended to make your kid feel like a bad person because of the behavior.

"The toy doesn't work because you threw it against the wall and it broke" is not shaming. "You broke the toy because you are a disobedient, wild kid who didnt listen and throw it against the wall even though you know better" is.

And you have to get over the idea that shame/bad feelings are to be avoided at all costs. You shouldn't try to *make* your kid feel bad, but if they feel bad because of what they did, that's natural, and they are less likely to do it again.

"When people throw toys, they break." "Toys aren't made to be thrown- toys break when they are thrown." "We take good care of our toys so they don't break."

Anonymous wrote:I have no problem kindly explaining to my kid why something happened — you threw the toy, and so it broke. But my 3yo asks “why” constantly (of course), and on the 5th time of “why doesn’t this work?” “Because a piece is broken” “why is it broken?” “Because you threw it”, it starts to feel more like blaming or shaming vs just a fact— even if I try to say it totally matter-of-factly.

I think there is value in understanding the consequences of actions; I don’t want to create a negative relationship where my kid feels blamed. Any thoughts on how to find the right balance?

What about when your kid is older and gets into a fight and hurts someone and gets in big trouble - will you try not to blame your kid then?

I don’t get this whole “never ever make your kid feel bad about anything” culture some parents believe in. How is this helping anyone?

Consequences: “When you threw the car and it hit the floor, it broke. Cars aren’t designed to be thrown that way.”

Shaming: “You threw it, so it broke. Some kids don’t have any toys and you break the ones you have, you’re so spoiled.”

Shaming is also if you say 1 while thinking and conveying the tone of 2.

What? First, you need to get right with the idea that your kid might feel bad having to experience a consequence. Your post sounds like you’re trying to avoid any bad feelings. That might happen and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

And it’s okay if your 3 year doesn’t perfectly understand the connection between his actions and a broken toy.

“When you threw the toy, it broke. It wasn’t supposed to be thrown like that. Next time, you’ll remember to play safely with your toy.”
Move on.

Anonymous wrote:He is making connections and trying to figure things out. Often that involves a great deal of repetition. If he asks, then answer in a simple and honest way.

+1

However, I also agree that withholding blame when he breaks a toy is a contorted way to speak or act.

He is making connections and trying to figure things out. Often that involves a great deal of repetition. If he asks, then answer in a simple and honest way.

I think you are overthinking this. It's your tone. 3yos ask multiple times because their memory isn't the same as an adult or an older child. Keep answering the questions.

Huh?! What’s wrong with your kid knowing the toy doesn’t work because he broke it?

It’s actually empowering. He has control of something in his environment. He can break it or play with it.

Stop overthinking.

Turn it around, “Why do you think that happened?”

I have no problem kindly explaining to my kid why something happened — you threw the toy, and so it broke. But my 3yo asks “why” constantly (of course), and on the 5th time of “why doesn’t this work?” “Because a piece is broken” “why is it broken?” “Because you threw it”, it starts to feel more like blaming or shaming vs just a fact— even if I try to say it totally matter-of-factly.

I think there is value in understanding the consequences of actions; I don’t want to create a negative relationship where my kid feels blamed. Any thoughts on how to find the right balance?