Lots of good advice here already, but you could also order some books to help her right now while you sort out other ways to help. The AG Smart Girl Guides have some very good titles on this topic that include conversation prompts and specific to-dos on initiating and sustaining conversations. While they may target slightly younger kids, but I find them helpful. Two in particular include:

Knowing What to Say: https://www.americangirl.com/shop/p/smart-girls-guide-knowing-what-to-say-fnl18
Manners:
https://www.americangirl.com/shop/p/smart-girls-guide-manners-f4668?rp_reflink=true#

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the helpful responses. I’m thinking she might have social anxiety. I never considered this before, but I think she has a textbook case.

If she's motivated, which it sounds like she is, CBT therapy can be really helpful.

OP here. Thanks for all the helpful responses. I’m thinking she might have social anxiety. I never considered this before, but I think she has a textbook case.

I've got teenagers who have anxiety and one who has language processing challenges. They've had a lot of interventions and we've put them in situations where they have to speak to those who don't know them (ordering food, asking a salesperson for assistance, etc.) but conversations are fraught with peril. When they were in middle/upper ES, we got books on "conversation starters" and then we'd go through some of them so they would have a 'script' to fall back on. Your library would be a good place to start if you don't want to buy something.

Might it be social anxiety? I was a terribly, painfully shy kid - it would now be called social anxiety. I was afraid to wave back to a kid who waved to me on the street in our neighborhood - I'd just freeze, like a deer in the headlights. Joining a group of girls talking on the playground would have been impossible. My mind was just...blank. I was always fine and happy with my one BFF who lived up the street, and over the years I had a couple of friends in addition. But I did no activities, joined nothing. Partly it was the time - kids didn't do activities in the late 70's - but I also had no desire to be in groups of kids. I never got support or help, but it did indeed get better over time. Middle School sucked for everyone, and it sucked for me. High School was better, and I joined a team and played for 4 years. In college I played the same sport and it gave me my tribe. Now you wouldn't know I am shy - I can speak in front of groups, etc. But my mind still goes blank when people talk to me in social situations. Chit chat makes my mind go blank and I am left thinking "what can I say? what can I say?' while I smile awkwardly. Work is a breeze, I have no idea why.

Do you ever make her order her own food at a restaurant? Do you make her advocate for herself if something is wrong at school (missing paperwork, off grade)? Sometimes this just takes practice and a little push. My kids all went through a stage where they felt shy To ask for their order when we go out for ice cream, but we said “you order or you don’t get ice cream” and we make sure they ask politely and say thank you when they receive their ice cream. Now they can do it with no problem.

Find some ways that she can practice and push her a little to go past her comfort zone.

OP again. It could definitely be anxiety.

OP here. Any suggestions for activities where she might find “her people?” She does track, plays an instrument and language clubs at school. Last year track was especially awkward for her. She was alone the entire season. She says she wants to do it again though.

Anonymous wrote:OP here I have watched her with other kids and she tends to hang back and observe rather than include herself in the group. She does better one on one. If someone speaks to her she gives a one word answer. She says she doesn’t know how to come up with a longer response. She’s in the gifted program at school, and speaks 3 languages. She’s obviously smart, but really struggles with making friends. I do think her intelligence makes he a bit awkward at times.

I'm the PP who recommended PEERs.

Do you think it's a language organization thing (she can't come up with the necessary words fast enough to say them) or anxiety or something else? (Neither of these things has anything to do with intelligence.)

OP here I have watched her with other kids and she tends to hang back and observe rather than include herself in the group. She does better one on one. If someone speaks to her she gives a one word answer. She says she doesn’t know how to come up with a longer response. She’s in the gifted program at school, and speaks 3 languages. She’s obviously smart, but really struggles with making friends. I do think her intelligence makes he a bit awkward at times.

Learning these skills is a good idea but you can't fundamentally change who she is. She needs to find her people. Keep looking for activities she enjoys that kids like her will be participating in.

PEERs teaches exactly these skills. It's designed for autistic teenagers, but it sounds like your child would also benefit. David and Hope Black, who run the group, have a good sense of who would benefit, so it's worth having a conversation with them. https://caatonline.com/group-treatment-programs/

I have a kid like this too, but not to the point of tears and getting upset, so just wanted to sympathize. The only thing I can suggest is lots of activities so that she gets practice. What about theater at Imag Stage? They're so accepting and warm there, and it may help her get over some of her discomfort about being expressive.

Have you watched her around other kids her age? Is she awkward? Nervous?

DD 12 was in tears last night because she only has a few school friends and says she doesn’t know how to start a conversation or talk to people. I’d like to help her improve her conversational and friend making skills but don't know where to do this. She is very intelligent and very shy (bookworm type personality). She is in after school school activities but has trouble making friends there too. Is this something the school counselor can help with? Private counseling? What is an effective way to help her? Thanks!