Ok fine I’m listening to all your responses and will think through them. I’m reacting to the woman’s comment to a friend that has been desperately struggling to be a mother for 10 years and implying their pain is “the same” because she’s had a miscarriage. There’s plenty of pain to go around but to me (and based on my own experiences...but I acknowledge there are other experiences) being robbed of the chance to be a mother over and over is a different type of pain than miscarrying additional children. However I will rescind my original comment.

It’s not a competition

OP, most of the pp's suck. Terrible responses. Of course you are right, because in addition to the loss itself, there is the fear of maybe never having a child.

I found it complex and emotional as my children were aware I was pregnant.

You're totally right. By the time you have 5 kids you actually throw a little party and celebrate a miscarriage. Each additional kid lowers miscarriage pain by precisely 0.35 until it flips to a net benefit. Awesome thread OP!

I had multiple miscarriages, before carrying two children to term. After they were born, I had another miscarriage when they were 3 and 4. That was FAR more devastating than my multiple prior miscarriages. I knew the trajectory of my life and how much every single atom of my being and moment of life had become defined by my children, and since I didn't know that when I had my first miscarriages, I didn't know the pain. So, I 10000% disagree with you.

There is no need to compare grief and pain. It’s really not a contest that anyone wants to win.

There's certainly something to be said for knowing you can carry a pregnancy to term, vs not knowing if it's in the cards for you.

I'm sorry for your losses.

I don't think you get the right to tell someone that their pain doesn't count or isn't allowed. I had a miscarriage after years of secondary fertility. Yes, I had a child at home, but the loss of that pregnancy was acutely painful. It was the loneliest I had ever felt, even though I was surrounded by a loving family.

I'm sorry you're struggling with infertility. It is a horrible, painful process regardless of how many children you have. A loss of a potential life is a loss, no matter what. It can certainly change the trajectory of your life.

Yeah, everyone's pain is different. Don't tell me how I was supposed to feel, and I'll do the same for you.

You’re right. It’s not a competition.

Not everyone is exactly like you. Sheesh.

Well that's how you feel. Which has no reference to how others feel. So, you are wrong.

Stillborn mom who supports all types of loss and however they wish to categorize/grieve/process them!

Man, I hope you don't follow Hilaria Baldwin on insta.

A vent in reaction to an insta post where a mom of 3 is implying her recent miscarriage is as painful as others regardless of her already having 3 kids. I lost my first pregnancy and have lost another after a live birth - they are not the same! Yes I can be sad for both children that “could have been” but the first defined whether or not I’d be a mother / have the experience of raising a child. I didn’t just lose a potential child, I lost a major life experience I really wanted.

If you already have a child and have a loss, yes of course that still hurts. But you’re still a mom! You still get the experience of raising children! It is painful but doesn’t fundamentally change the trajectory of your life!

Ok vent over. I know it’s not a competition for who hurts more, but this one gets me really worked up