Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:52
Subject: Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
Anonymous wrote:Try never to label the person, but the behavior. "Kicking the back of my seat is really annoying to me. Could you please stop?" "Jumping onto the cat was mean. Can you apologize to him and get him a treat?" versus "You are being annoying by kicking the back of my seat" or "You are mean for hurting the cat."
If your kid is kicking animals they ARE mean...
OP, I've told my 6 year old she's annoying...her self worth hasn't broken down as a person - but I'm also not concerned about that. Sometimes people are annoying and mean. It's ok to tell them that. I wouldn't consider that "labeling" or "name calling."
And people wonder where the snowflake term comes from....
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:43
Subject: Re:Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I tend to say “you’re being annoying” or “that’s annoying” rather than “you’re annoying”. Small distinctions, and still probably not ideal, but I don’t think it’s so bad for kids to be made aware when their behavior is having a negative effect on others.
I don't think kids can make that distinction. I think even adults have a hard time with it.
In my opinion, words from parents can be so powerful to a kid's psyche that it's best not to do this, even when the kid's behavior warrants it. I remember my mom saying "I don't like you right now." and how hurtful it was. I can't remember what I was doing and I'm sure I was being a total PITA and completely unlikeable, but my thought was - "Even my own mom doesn't like me. Nobody likes me." I remember it 35 years later.
In OP's situation, it's not helpful or necessary to the conversation. Just ask him to stop backseat driving or whatever the annoying behavior is.
Eh, I don’t know. Not to diminish your personal experience—I completely agree that parents’ words can have long-lasting effects, I just don’t always think we can know as parents which words will actually resonate. And in an attempt to say everything “the right way”, we miss an opportunity to instill pretty basic social skills in our kids. In this case, telling the kid to stop the annoying behavior without actually telling him why he should stop (because it’s annoying) is not helping the kid figure out situations where he is being annoying to other people.
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:39
Subject: Re:Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
Anonymous wrote:I tell my children their behavior is annoying.
I do too
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:39
Subject: Re:Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
I've said, "Larlo, you constant pulling on my clothes and saying my name over and over again are annoying me. If you want my attention, say my name one time and wait until I look at you."
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:34
Subject: Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
No, it is fine. Kids need to learn that they can be annoying! If you are reason resilient kids who can cope with real life and the world, they are going to be able to Handel being told that the way they are acting annoys you.
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:32
Subject: Re:Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
I tell my kids when they are doing things that are annoying. I frame it for them as - X behavior (be very specific) is really annoying and other people don't like it for these reasons (it makes it difficult to drive, I can't hear the person I'm talking to, whatever). Your friends aren't going to like it either.
My opinion is only telling kids how great they are all the time and not calling them out on behavior is not doing them any favors in the end (cough, some millennials, cough). My kids are showered with love and affection every single day. However, they're not perfect and when the things they do are annoying, I'm going to help them out and let them know.
My opinion is only telling kids how great they are all the time and not calling them out on behavior is not doing them any favors in the end (cough, some millennials, cough). My kids are showered with love and affection every single day. However, they're not perfect and when the things they do are annoying, I'm going to help them out and let them know.
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:22
Subject: Re:Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
Anonymous wrote:I tend to say “you’re being annoying” or “that’s annoying” rather than “you’re annoying”. Small distinctions, and still probably not ideal, but I don’t think it’s so bad for kids to be made aware when their behavior is having a negative effect on others.
I don't think kids can make that distinction. I think even adults have a hard time with it.
In my opinion, words from parents can be so powerful to a kid's psyche that it's best not to do this, even when the kid's behavior warrants it. I remember my mom saying "I don't like you right now." and how hurtful it was. I can't remember what I was doing and I'm sure I was being a total PITA and completely unlikeable, but my thought was - "Even my own mom doesn't like me. Nobody likes me." I remember it 35 years later.
In OP's situation, it's not helpful or necessary to the conversation. Just ask him to stop backseat driving or whatever the annoying behavior is.
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:19
Subject: Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
Anonymous wrote:Try never to label the person, but the behavior. "Kicking the back of my seat is really annoying to me. Could you please stop?" "Jumping onto the cat was mean. Can you apologize to him and get him a treat?" versus "You are being annoying by kicking the back of my seat" or "You are mean for hurting the cat."
Just wanted to note WHY to frame language this way - when kids begin to believe "I'm annoying" or "I'm mean" they tend to lean into it, and find it really hard to behave against expectations. It isn't just that they feel badly about themselves, but that they live up to our descriptions of them.
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:18
Subject: Re:Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
I tell my children their behavior is annoying.
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:16
Subject: Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
Try never to label the person, but the behavior. "Kicking the back of my seat is really annoying to me. Could you please stop?" "Jumping onto the cat was mean. Can you apologize to him and get him a treat?" versus "You are being annoying by kicking the back of my seat" or "You are mean for hurting the cat."
Anonymous
01/09/2020 09:13
Subject: Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
“ what you are doing is annoying me” might be better
Anonymous
01/09/2020 08:59
Subject: Re:Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
I tend to say “you’re being annoying” or “that’s annoying” rather than “you’re annoying”. Small distinctions, and still probably not ideal, but I don’t think it’s so bad for kids to be made aware when their behavior is having a negative effect on others.
Anonymous
01/09/2020 08:53
Subject: Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
Obviously, yeah. That's harsh. It could really sting a sensitive kid.
Anonymous
01/09/2020 08:52
Subject: Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
You could choose a different word or way to describe why his behavior is not acceptable without labeling him as a person.
Focus on the behavior.
Focus on the behavior.
Anonymous
01/09/2020 08:48
Subject: Is it bad to tell your kid they are annoying?
Sometimes the kid (5) is really annoying! He’s a real backseat driver, I finally I told him he was being annoying.