OP, I think it depends on the spouses' personality. DH tells me he wants a divorce at least once a year, but never follows through. I think it is just immature communication on his part. Instead of expressing his feelings in details at the time....i.e. I feel hurt, I was disappointed when you did ABC, etc...he just blurts out that he wants a divorce. He stays in a bad mood for some days and goes back t o life as normal. I findi t very dysfunctional, but wanted to provide another POV for you.

Sounds like you’re the husband. I have two female friends that divorced their husbands, one because he was addicted to video games and not present with the family (he wasn’t a dork, actually a very attractive professional) and the other because he wouldn’t do things with her and the kids-she thought if she threatened divorce and moved out he’d see the error of his ways and change and he didn’t. The second scenario he was just lazy and didn’t feel like making any effort. Both woman have confided that if their husbands had given just a little they would still be married.

In the case of the first guy, he got a FWB pregnant and they are now married. No video games for him, ever, because the new wife is very controlling. The second guy was single for many years and only recently met someone decent.

In your case I’d strongly recommend individual therapy for you, so you can work on some of the issues your spouse has problems with. This will benefit you in two ways- it’ll show your spouse you’re willing to face these issues head and and, if it ends up not working out, it’ll help you be a better you in the future. In your case, if there truly is no infidelity (which is always a possibility) I’d think it would be possible to save your marriage but it’s going to take work and effort on your part.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends why they want the divorce, if efforts have been made previously to address the issues in the marriage and those failed etc.

What are the reasons behind the request for the divorce. Did it come out of nowhere or were you aware for awhile that your marriage was in trouble?

OP here. I think years of drifting apart since birth of first child almost a decade ago. Spouse says lingering resentments about putting more effort into the marriage (they see this as they've been more active with childcare and household management). Spouse not the best communicator, so while I knew we'd been drifting apart, I didn't know they were this bad. I've been in a funk the past year or so with work stress, so I think that has definitely contributed. Spouse pursues individual hobbies and we don't do much together (unless kids involved).

We had maybe two marital counseling sessions many years ago, but never continued for some reason. Now spouse says not interested. A couple days after announcement, they volunteered that they'd like to pursue individual counseling to make sure this is the right decision going forward.

I'm willing to work to change things on my end that have contributed, but don't know whether other marriages have been repaired in similar situations.

OP again. Forgot to mention, they think I'm controlling, and that everything is an argument (re: childcare decisions, vacations, etc.). I come from a family where people forcefully express their opinions, and don't acquiesce unless they agree. I never saw our discussions in this light. Apparently spouse had been going along to get along but feels resentful that I've often gotten my way about things, and haven't listened to their opinion. I'm willing to work on this too.

Anonymous wrote:It depends why they want the divorce, if efforts have been made previously to address the issues in the marriage and those failed etc.

What are the reasons behind the request for the divorce. Did it come out of nowhere or were you aware for awhile that your marriage was in trouble?

OP here. I think years of drifting apart since birth of first child almost a decade ago. Spouse says lingering resentments about putting more effort into the marriage (they see this as they've been more active with childcare and household management). Spouse not the best communicator, so while I knew we'd been drifting apart, I didn't know they were this bad. I've been in a funk the past year or so with work stress, so I think that has definitely contributed. Spouse pursues individual hobbies and we don't do much together (unless kids involved).

We had maybe two marital counseling sessions many years ago, but never continued for some reason. Now spouse says not interested. A couple days after announcement, they volunteered that they'd like to pursue individual counseling to make sure this is the right decision going forward.

I'm willing to work to change things on my end that have contributed, but don't know whether other marriages have been repaired in similar situations.

I know of two situations where men announced they wanted a divorce and moved out, and hen later after counseling or just introspection said they wanted to reconcile. In both cases, their wives initially worked with them to try to reconcile, but it was ultimately the wives who decided to go ahead with the divorce. Trust was too broken, and after being without their spouses for months, they realized they could be happier that way.

Anonymous wrote:Accept it and move on. Your efforts will only delay the inevitable.

This. I asked for the divorce. It wasn’t something that just popped up. I put a ton of thought into it, and made sure that it was what I wanted. No amount of counseling would change my mind. I did go on my own to try to figure out why I made such a huge mistake and to try not to make it again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any hope? What if they're not willing to do marital counseling, but are interested in pursuing their own individual counseling to think through their decision? Has anyone's marriage ever been pulled back from the brink in this situation? If there's no infidelity, drug use, abuse, etc.?

If there’s no infidelity, drug use or abuse, then what is the reason they want a divorce?

They want to be with someone else!

Yup. I've seen this happen to three "solid" couples in the last year. Each time one of the spouses said they wanted something different and a change in life and a quick divorce, and it turned out they had an affair partner they were trying to hide.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any hope? What if they're not willing to do marital counseling, but are interested in pursuing their own individual counseling to think through their decision? Has anyone's marriage ever been pulled back from the brink in this situation? If there's no infidelity, drug use, abuse, etc.?

If there’s no infidelity, drug use or abuse, then what is the reason they want a divorce?

They want to be with someone else!

It depends why they want the divorce, if efforts have been made previously to address the issues in the marriage and those failed etc.

What are the reasons behind the request for the divorce. Did it come out of nowhere or were you aware for awhile that your marriage was in trouble?

Anonymous wrote:Is there any hope? What if they're not willing to do marital counseling, but are interested in pursuing their own individual counseling to think through their decision? Has anyone's marriage ever been pulled back from the brink in this situation? If there's no infidelity, drug use, abuse, etc.?

If there’s no infidelity, drug use or abuse, then what is the reason they want a divorce?

Anonymous wrote:BTDT...I didn’t want the divorce. Insist on separating immediately, they tell the kids and the family. Keep your head high and your attitude should be projected as I don’t want someone who does not appreciate and love me so leave. Trust me...tears, counseling, does nothing. They are also likely lying about the infidelity...they have someone at least in mind.

+1 I'll add that even though they've just announced it, they've been thinking about for awhile. Perhaps the individual counseling will help, maybe not. Kind of odd that your spouse is not willing to have both of you in counseling. And nope, tears don't help. Suck 'em up because once a person has made up their mind your tears won't matter much.

BTDT...I didn’t want the divorce. Insist on separating immediately, they tell the kids and the family. Keep your head high and your attitude should be projected as I don’t want someone who does not appreciate and love me so leave. Trust me...tears, counseling, does nothing. They are also likely lying about the infidelity...they have someone at least in mind.

Anonymous wrote:Accept it and move on. Your efforts will only delay the inevitable.

Exactly.

Accept it and move on. Your efforts will only delay the inevitable.

Is there any hope? What if they're not willing to do marital counseling, but are interested in pursuing their own individual counseling to think through their decision? Has anyone's marriage ever been pulled back from the brink in this situation? If there's no infidelity, drug use, abuse, etc.?