When my kids are in the routine of chores/cleaning up/helping out, they just do it without lots of whining or fighting. When we've gotten off track, everything is a big production. After the break, we're all still getting back into the swing of things.

Consider daily or weekly chores and make it the routine. That will cut down on the fighting.

I agree with tell, not ask.

They may not do anything else until they've cleaned up. The problem is you lacking discipline and authority. And stop bribing them to do what they have to do.

Mom: the living room floor is a mess. You two need to clean it up before you set the table. Larla, go put all the books away where they go neatly. Larlo put all the toys in their bins. You each have two minutes, GO!
8: I have to go to the bathroom.
M: Okay go, then you'll clean up before you set the table.

Then get 5 going on their job and keep an ear out for 8 to come out of the bathroom and direct them to clean up the living room floor.

8: I don't want to.
M: well, I don't feel like producing a dinner for you, but we all do things for each other because we're family. Now go.

Whatever they say, you just keep redirecting them to what you want them to do. If they throw a fit, send them to their room and when they've calmed down ask if they're ready to go clean up the living room floor now. No is not an acceptable answer to your parents, EVER.

Another thing
M:”let’s make it fun. Ill put on music and we can dance around while we clean.”

Last week I put a few coins in the laundry for them to sort. They did it! But I absolutely am tired of this need to make it fun. It’s just a matter of helping. They’re spoiled despite my past efforts. And 8yo used to be much better at responding. 5yo following suit.

can’t

Please be kind. I noticed a mean streak on a couple of threads today. Ummm... i don’t think I can handle that right now.

If you can be kind, keep it to yourself please.

A scenario might be:
M:”Larla and Larlo, I would like you to help pick up items on the living room floor” or “I would like you to put away your laundry intro drawers.”
8: “uhhhhh.”
M: “I’ll remind you again that of you help me for X minutes, you can pick a friend, and I’ll text/set up a time form them to come over.”
8: “ooh.” Named three friends she’s been missing
5: ignores entire conversation.
M:”you too larlo. We could meet Friend at the park. But first I need you to help pick up your hot wheels.”

I start
8 doesn’t start. “Firs ti need to ... go to the bathroom.”
M:”ok I’ll wait. But Larlo lets get started”
I get started again, 8yo never joins us.
She’s done with the bathroom, I remind her but you might sense some annoyance in my voice that she forget.

8:”uhhh I don’t want to. I’m hungry.”
5: “yeah I’m hungry too.”

On a patient day, I’ll serve them up. And attempt again.

Some days it’s ignore, some days it’s distraction, some days it’s that we ran out of time. “Ooh dads home now, let me cook dinner etc.” he may attempt with them too.

Other days, it’s just outright talking back and tantrums from 8yo, and it set off a fight. I say she needs to show more respect. If she talks back again, I will [x y or z]. Then it’s not about cleaning, it’s about overall disrespect, not listening. She ends up sent to her room for raising her voice. Well.... lucky her now she has gotten out of cleaning.

5yo mostly just ignores.

Op here. I’m sorry for not describing better. I’m actually really tired, so I don’t know if I have the energy to get into all scenarios.

I mean today, my 5 yo (he just turned 5 so I got it wrong above picked up a puzzle. Dh gave him the option of picking up his puzzle OR his hot wheels tracks. Child picked the puzzle and did it.

But, that was rare. And it wasn’t me asking. I feel like they have tuned me out until they need something from me. But in general, I just need them to pitch in. And they don’t. Either ignore me and play wildly, or the 8yo seems to pitch a tantrum, or I offer a positive consequence (they get excited but do nothing to follow through).

I’d bag up their stuff, and maybe I will... but then again it almost seems like me doing all the work of picking up.
Then also, it’s not just toys, it’s a Tupperware dish they messed with, a backpack from an outing, shoes, a coloring page, a cup, a stray kids Christmas decoration, a roll of paper towels, books, a kitchen cloth, a pillow, etc.

They need specific instructions. Even the 8 year old. “Clean up your toys” is potentially overwhelming/vague for little kids and they’ll shut down. “Put your train tracks in the track bin” is much better. They do that, then it’s onto “put your toy food back in your play kitchen.” Etc. You’ll probably have to supervise/direct/help too. But my 4 year old can definitely handle “put your blocks back in the block bin” level of directions.

I don’t get it. What don’t they do? Your 8 year old doesn’t clean up when asked?

What are the consequences of refusing to help when asked?

Sounds like they need consequences. Toys aren’t picked up, no tv. No iPad, no phone. No play dates. No TOYS. Bag them up and put them away until they earn them back.

Toys go into time out until they can earn them back. What are the consequences of not picking up in your house?

More of a tell than an ask.

"Put the toys away please, and then come to the table for dinner."

"Saturday you need to clean your room before we head to Larla's birthday party at 11:00." Saturday morning: "Do you want to clean your room yourself, or do you want my comoany?" (for the 8 year old!).

What do you do to ask/make/force your kids to help with anything?

Ummm.. tough place here. But I’ve realized that ALL of Christmas break that my kids did not help one time to pick up after themselves.

I said ask/make/force, because I mean that asking doesn’t work, and short of carrying them around and making their hands pinch the objects (ha ha I would never do that)...... what can I do?

I’ve tried every other thing I can try to convince them (aside from ice cream etc. Thats not healthy, and man they are far far far away from deserving a reward).

Kids 8, 4.
(I understand the 4yo’s ability is less, but he follows along with the older in every other aspect that I think he could at least help a little)