Anonymous wrote:Some of you chose bad husbands to marry. I'm the main parent 60% of the time. But I have an insanely flexible schedule so taking on more of the activities makes sense. DH does plenty without my asking. When I'm sick, he's the main parent 100% of the time. Does he do things exactly how I would? No. But DS is fed, safe, happy, and DH is involved with him. Not worth complaining about.

I don't believe that none of you knew that your husbands were going to make terrible coparents. Did they help out around the house before kids and then suddenly stop when the kids were born? I'm guessing no. They were probably always fairly uninvolved in daily life tasks.

They were probably pretty ambivalent about kids or wanted to wait until they experienced life first, but women like OP just wanted a sperm donor to marry and then basically forget about except for a paycheck and to delegate chores to.

Some of you chose bad husbands to marry. I'm the main parent 60% of the time. But I have an insanely flexible schedule so taking on more of the activities makes sense. DH does plenty without my asking. When I'm sick, he's the main parent 100% of the time. Does he do things exactly how I would? No. But DS is fed, safe, happy, and DH is involved with him. Not worth complaining about.

I don't believe that none of you knew that your husbands were going to make terrible coparents. Did they help out around the house before kids and then suddenly stop when the kids were born? I'm guessing no. They were probably always fairly uninvolved in daily life tasks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look I used to have a lot of rage about this- a lot. Then I figured out that I want the control. You can’t have it both- either you do it yourself and control it or you pass it to DH and cede control. In my case, if I cede control, DC would have the iPad all day, chicken nuggets every night, may or may not have childcare, would go to bed at 11 pm... just easier for me to do it bc I need the control.

What you describe is not control my dear. It’s just being a responsible parent and doing right by your kid. Sounds like your husband is a child.

He...has a different view about what my child needs. He doesn’t see anything wrong with chicken nuggets and iPad all day. I don’t know why this is. I hate it and wish we were on the same page but we are not.

He has a different view about a child needing nutrition and sleep? lol. No, he doesn't. He's lazy. He has you hoodwinked. He knows a child needs a well-rounded diet and adequate sleep; he just doesn't care.

I’m just offering a way out for people stuck in a situation like mine. Own the fact that you do things better and want control. It is what it is.

Anonymous wrote:

One tale is about the mental load, such as summer camp regs, health forms, carpools, etc and how even after assigning a task to her DH he just blows it off until she does it

Oh please. Gimme a break with all this "mental load" bullshit. I, a mere "incompetent" man , have planned, executed, and paid for every aspect of my kid's lives for over a decade, including day care, what schools they will attend, after-care, summer camps, birthday parties, doctor's appointments, sports, music, making their lunches every day, making their dinners every night, doing their laundry, making sure they bathe and brush their teeth, buying clothes and shoes, arranging tutors, and helping with homework. It's not that hard. Or if it is really hard for you, you should ask yourself why you're so fragile. And if your husband doesn't help, why did you marry such a loser? Time for you to own your poor choices.

Why so angry? I thought you said all of this was “not that hard.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look I used to have a lot of rage about this- a lot. Then I figured out that I want the control. You can’t have it both- either you do it yourself and control it or you pass it to DH and cede control. In my case, if I cede control, DC would have the iPad all day, chicken nuggets every night, may or may not have childcare, would go to bed at 11 pm... just easier for me to do it bc I need the control.

What you describe is not control my dear. It’s just being a responsible parent and doing right by your kid. Sounds like your husband is a child.

He...has a different view about what my child needs. He doesn’t see anything wrong with chicken nuggets and iPad all day. I don’t know why this is. I hate it and wish we were on the same page but we are not.

He has a different view about a child needing nutrition and sleep? lol. No, he doesn't. He's lazy. He has you hoodwinked. He knows a child needs a well-rounded diet and adequate sleep; he just doesn't care.

One tale is about the mental load, such as summer camp regs, health forms, carpools, etc and how even after assigning a task to her DH he just blows it off until she does it

Oh please. Gimme a break with all this "mental load" bullshit. I, a mere "incompetent" man , have planned, executed, and paid for every aspect of my kid's lives for over a decade, including day care, what schools they will attend, after-care, summer camps, birthday parties, doctor's appointments, sports, music, making their lunches every day, making their dinners every night, doing their laundry, making sure they bathe and brush their teeth, buying clothes and shoes, arranging tutors, and helping with homework. It's not that hard. Or if it is really hard for you, you should ask yourself why you're so fragile. And if your husband doesn't help, why did you marry such a loser? Time for you to own your poor choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look I used to have a lot of rage about this- a lot. Then I figured out that I want the control. You can’t have it both- either you do it yourself and control it or you pass it to DH and cede control. In my case, if I cede control, DC would have the iPad all day, chicken nuggets every night, may or may not have childcare, would go to bed at 11 pm... just easier for me to do it bc I need the control.

What you describe is not control my dear. It’s just being a responsible parent and doing right by your kid. Sounds like your husband is a child.

He...has a different view about what my child needs. He doesn’t see anything wrong with chicken nuggets and iPad all day. I don’t know why this is. I hate it and wish we were on the same page but we are not.

My DH does take on full mental load stuff, but he didn't when they were babies/little. I don't know what precipitated the change. It happened gradually when they were about 8 and 10. He started planning the whole summer of childcare and various sleepaway and day camps. He posted the job listings on the local college board, interviewed summer/school year nannies/mannies. Was the POC with them for years of driving logistics, and we had to get a new one nearly every year.

He has done all summer camp research, forms, pede visits, bookings, coordination with other parents for groups of friends to go to the same camp at the same time. For years. It is so amazing.

Now they are teens and we are in 2 busy carpools, one for school one for soccer. He handles ALL the annoying text exchanges for those - 6 families and all their changes and week to week random needs. It is so great.

I have no idea why or how. I just feel grateful.


Now they are 14 and 16 and he does SO much more than I do.

Anonymous wrote:Look I used to have a lot of rage about this- a lot. Then I figured out that I want the control. You can’t have it both- either you do it yourself and control it or you pass it to DH and cede control. In my case, if I cede control, DC would have the iPad all day, chicken nuggets every night, may or may not have childcare, would go to bed at 11 pm... just easier for me to do it bc I need the control.

What you describe is not control my dear. It’s just being a responsible parent and doing right by your kid. Sounds like your husband is a child.

Men are incompetent. If you want it done poorly, delegate. I did this for three years before quoting my job and going back to PT. DH was WFH and barely handling the kids and house. Things were a complete mess and I think the kids were just on screens all the time. Byeeeeee! Back to the office you go.

Anonymous wrote:Look I used to have a lot of rage about this- a lot. Then I figured out that I want the control. You can’t have it both- either you do it yourself and control it or you pass it to DH and cede control. In my case, if I cede control, DC would have the iPad all day, chicken nuggets every night, may or may not have childcare, would go to bed at 11 pm... just easier for me to do it bc I need the control.

+1

OP described it herself: "One tale is about the mental load, such as summer camp regs, health forms, carpools, etc and how even after assigning a task to her DH he just blows it off until she does it."

Women want to do all this stuff. If we didn't, we wouldn't.

Look I used to have a lot of rage about this- a lot. Then I figured out that I want the control. You can’t have it both- either you do it yourself and control it or you pass it to DH and cede control. In my case, if I cede control, DC would have the iPad all day, chicken nuggets every night, may or may not have childcare, would go to bed at 11 pm... just easier for me to do it bc I need the control.

Anonymous wrote:Of course. Single dads, and dads who are the main parent.

Likely single dads, but I have never met a dad who was main parent and the book expresses strong opinion that they are VERY rare

Of course. Single dads, and dads who are the main parent.

I’m reading ‘all the rage’ and it’s a bit hard to swallow. Tells of all these DHs which only do chores or take care of kids when told, try to maintain their independence and life before kids well after becoming parents, and always put their careers ahead of their working (and often breadwinning) DWs

One tale is about the mental load, such as summer camp regs, health forms, carpools, etc and how even after assigning a task to her DH he just blows it off until she does it

So many working moms manage and carry this load at work? Do any of their DHs DO task while at work, let along take initiative and carry some of that load?