Anonymous
12/16/2019 14:20
Subject: "I want to live with Dad!"
A close friend of mine was in the same situation as you OP. At 16 her daughter moved in with her dad. It didn't go great but daughter was too proud and stubborn to admit it and stuck by dad. Through her twenties daughter still stuck by dad although her relationship with my friend improved. It wasn't until her early thirties that her daughter finally talked about it openly. She knew dad's faults all along but was also really angry at her mom (my friend) and felt my friend had spend way too much energy fighting her dad and trying to get daughter to see who dad really was. She felt caught in the middle and felt that if she took mom's side, dad might just walk away but if she took dad's side, mom would still stick around.
Anonymous
12/16/2019 14:17
Subject: Re:"I want to live with Dad!"
Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?
Because emotional and psychological types of abuse are very insidious and you don't even realize it's happening, until it's too late. Then you feel trapped and you hope against hope that things will get better when you go to counseling, etc. You don't want to give up on something you've invested in for so long (albeit getting sh*t in return, as you realize more and more).
All this to say, it is VERY complicated, and unless you experience it, it's confusing to look at "from the outside".
Also, there's a lot of impression management in the early years to reel you in and get you invested, lots of lying, etc. Then later you wonder where the person you married disappeared to and who is this horrible parent.
It's so hard to explain. But it's devastating. And then even worse when you are in this type of "co-parenting" relationship (I'm in the same boat).
Anonymous
12/16/2019 14:13
Subject: Re:"I want to live with Dad!"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?
It goes the other way, too, you know. There are women who are crap at parenting...
DP - but you're generally right. Why on earth folks don't have conversations around parenting styles/expectations before having kids is beyond me...
Because the conversation you have before even having kids has little resemblance to what you do in 1 year, 5 years or 10 years, or after a divorce.
You don't really know what you will be like as a parent until you are one. You don't really know what your kids will be like and how they need to be parented until you have them, you don't really know how kids will impact your marriage until it happens, and you don't know how the breakdown of your marriage will impact your parenting until it does.
I dated my DH for 3 years before I married him. I waited for 6 more years before I decided that I was ready to have a kid with him. A sucky partner will not make a good parent. A weak marriage will not survive parenthood, because parenting is extremely hard. A man is always showing you who he is. A vindictive man who wants to win at all costs, was doing that even before he became a dad.
Anonymous
12/16/2019 14:12
Subject: "I want to live with Dad!"
This happened to my friend. She lost full custody of her kids because after the age of 12 they get to decide where they live and never have to see you ever again. She hasn’t seen her kids in 5 months. They are 12 and 14. So sad she was a stay at home mom as well who lost all child support. Now her home is in foreclosure.
Anonymous
12/16/2019 14:06
Subject: Re:"I want to live with Dad!"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?
It goes the other way, too, you know. There are women who are crap at parenting...
DP - but you're generally right. Why on earth folks don't have conversations around parenting styles/expectations before having kids is beyond me...
Because the conversation you have before even having kids has little resemblance to what you do in 1 year, 5 years or 10 years, or after a divorce.
You don't really know what you will be like as a parent until you are one. You don't really know what your kids will be like and how they need to be parented until you have them, you don't really know how kids will impact your marriage until it happens, and you don't know how the breakdown of your marriage will impact your parenting until it does.
Anonymous
12/16/2019 14:02
Subject: Re:"I want to live with Dad!"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?
It goes the other way, too, you know. There are women who are crap at parenting...
This is not about being 'crap at parenting.' This is a parent who is purposely failing at parenting so he can "win" in the competition he is in with his ex for the kids. Very, very sad when parents can't put their kids' needs head of their own pathetic need to win.
Exactly this.
Anonymous
12/16/2019 13:57
Subject: "I want to live with Dad!"
My STBX is similar. One thing that I have been trying to do is not fall for the trap of being the "mean mom." Just because he feeds the kid McDonalds for every meal does not mean that I have to force-feed quinoa and broccoli. And just because they have constant fun because they never have to do anything hard or disciplined does not mean that I have to spend all my parenting time focusing on routines. What this means is yes, sometimes I have to deliberately give up a percentage of stuff that I think is important (like more fast food than I would want) but it's more important not to fall into a bad dynamic. I also have just given up and tried to accept the things that aren't an actual danger to my kid (like going to school dirty or with a light coat.) There's literally nothing I can do to change it when I'm not there.
TBH I would just give up trying to coordinate discipline with your ex. It's clearly not going to work. And your kids are old enough to face consequences themselves of staying up too late, not having school materials, etc.
If there IS something that is important to you, accept that you will have to do it yourself. Don't play games because you know that your DH won't step up. If you want your DS to have his school materials, do it yourself. Yes it sucks but you have no other choice, really.
TBH I would just give up trying to coordinate discipline with your ex. It's clearly not going to work. And your kids are old enough to face consequences themselves of staying up too late, not having school materials, etc.
If there IS something that is important to you, accept that you will have to do it yourself. Don't play games because you know that your DH won't step up. If you want your DS to have his school materials, do it yourself. Yes it sucks but you have no other choice, really.
Anonymous
12/16/2019 13:37
Subject: Re:"I want to live with Dad!"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?
It goes the other way, too, you know. There are women who are crap at parenting...
This is not about being 'crap at parenting.' This is a parent who is purposely failing at parenting so he can "win" in the competition he is in with his ex for the kids. Very, very sad when parents can't put their kids' needs head of their own pathetic need to win.
Anonymous
12/16/2019 13:35
Subject: Re:"I want to live with Dad!"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?
It goes the other way, too, you know. There are women who are crap at parenting...
DP - but you're generally right. Why on earth folks don't have conversations around parenting styles/expectations before having kids is beyond me...
Anonymous
12/16/2019 13:34
Subject: Re:"I want to live with Dad!"
Anonymous wrote:Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?
It goes the other way, too, you know. There are women who are crap at parenting...
Anonymous
12/16/2019 13:30
Subject: Re:"I want to live with Dad!"
Why do women have kids with these losers? What positive things you saw in this man that you decided he was marriage material or would be a great dad?
Anonymous
12/16/2019 13:29
Subject: "I want to live with Dad!"
Anonymous wrote:Of course you do! There are no rules there!
Sick of being The Parent while he gets to be The Fun One.
For example, when the kids were with him last week, breakfast was Chick-fil-a each morning. He got them Subway to take to school for lunch twice. Dinner was either eaten out or takeaway food. One kid missed three homework assignments and the other one bombed a test yet she posted at least 15 Instagram stories, posts, and Tik Tok videos the night before and was still posting stuff after 1 AM.
If I say no to buying them some item, he almost always buys it for them. Our son lost his new airpods (his second pair, btw) and I told him he needed to pay for half up front before he could get new ones. He came home the next weekend with new ones from dad.
Any punishment at my house doesn't transfer to his. If I take a phone or video game privileges away, they go right back at his house. If I say no to a shirt for DD, it gets bought by dad.
When I talk to him about setting some rules and being a parent I get the "why? so they can hate me like you?" from him. We have a family email account that the teachers use and I've started responding with "this is ex's week so he will take care of this as the kids are with him" instead of stepping in and taking care of whatever needed done. I thought maybe if some things fell through he'd get his act together, but no, he just makes it up to them with things. Forgetting to send the needed supplies so our son could do an in class project that lead to him having to write a paper in the library instead didn't upset our son because dad bought him a new toy to make up for forgetting and spun it like "who cares about a lame project when you get THIS toy!"
I'm not some crazy rule person or not a fun person. The rules are minimal. It's just minimal rules are less fun than no rules now that they are getting older. So frustrating!
I feel you.
I am the question about chores poster - and we have the same situation, only in reverse... DH is the parent. BM - not so much, right down to the eating, spending, and consequences...
No advice, but definitely empathy. And, following to see if there are any helpful suggestions that might transfer, even if I am just the mean old step mom...
Anonymous
12/16/2019 13:28
Subject: "I want to live with Dad!"
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I'm really sorry. Keep being the parent. They will thank you for it when they grow up.
Also, have the teachers deal directly with your ex when he fails to do what he has to do i.e. getting them supplies, doing homework, projects, etc. He'll like it way less when the teachers make him feel like he's not a good parent.
Anonymous
12/16/2019 13:27
Subject: "I want to live with Dad!"
Ugh, I'm really sorry. Keep being the parent. They will thank you for it when they grow up.
Anonymous
12/16/2019 13:23
Subject: "I want to live with Dad!"
Of course you do! There are no rules there!
Sick of being The Parent while he gets to be The Fun One.
For example, when the kids were with him last week, breakfast was Chick-fil-a each morning. He got them Subway to take to school for lunch twice. Dinner was either eaten out or takeaway food. One kid missed three homework assignments and the other one bombed a test yet she posted at least 15 Instagram stories, posts, and Tik Tok videos the night before and was still posting stuff after 1 AM.
If I say no to buying them some item, he almost always buys it for them. Our son lost his new airpods (his second pair, btw) and I told him he needed to pay for half up front before he could get new ones. He came home the next weekend with new ones from dad.
Any punishment at my house doesn't transfer to his. If I take a phone or video game privileges away, they go right back at his house. If I say no to a shirt for DD, it gets bought by dad.
When I talk to him about setting some rules and being a parent I get the "why? so they can hate me like you?" from him. We have a family email account that the teachers use and I've started responding with "this is ex's week so he will take care of this as the kids are with him" instead of stepping in and taking care of whatever needed done. I thought maybe if some things fell through he'd get his act together, but no, he just makes it up to them with things. Forgetting to send the needed supplies so our son could do an in class project that lead to him having to write a paper in the library instead didn't upset our son because dad bought him a new toy to make up for forgetting and spun it like "who cares about a lame project when you get THIS toy!"
I'm not some crazy rule person or not a fun person. The rules are minimal. It's just minimal rules are less fun than no rules now that they are getting older. So frustrating!
Sick of being The Parent while he gets to be The Fun One.
For example, when the kids were with him last week, breakfast was Chick-fil-a each morning. He got them Subway to take to school for lunch twice. Dinner was either eaten out or takeaway food. One kid missed three homework assignments and the other one bombed a test yet she posted at least 15 Instagram stories, posts, and Tik Tok videos the night before and was still posting stuff after 1 AM.
If I say no to buying them some item, he almost always buys it for them. Our son lost his new airpods (his second pair, btw) and I told him he needed to pay for half up front before he could get new ones. He came home the next weekend with new ones from dad.
Any punishment at my house doesn't transfer to his. If I take a phone or video game privileges away, they go right back at his house. If I say no to a shirt for DD, it gets bought by dad.
When I talk to him about setting some rules and being a parent I get the "why? so they can hate me like you?" from him. We have a family email account that the teachers use and I've started responding with "this is ex's week so he will take care of this as the kids are with him" instead of stepping in and taking care of whatever needed done. I thought maybe if some things fell through he'd get his act together, but no, he just makes it up to them with things. Forgetting to send the needed supplies so our son could do an in class project that lead to him having to write a paper in the library instead didn't upset our son because dad bought him a new toy to make up for forgetting and spun it like "who cares about a lame project when you get THIS toy!"
I'm not some crazy rule person or not a fun person. The rules are minimal. It's just minimal rules are less fun than no rules now that they are getting older. So frustrating!