I agree with the above PP. I am a married lesbian who has been in a relationship for more than 20y. One thing I regret is coming out and immediately getting into this (obviously very long term) relationship and never really living a "gay" life. I never dated, had gay friends, etc. 20something years later 99% of my friends are straight (parents of kids' friends) and my work is 99% straight.

Start dating, volunteer with organizations where you can meet people, look at MeetUp for activities that you might enjoy and can meet people.

Anonymous wrote:I would strongly recommend looking on meetup or a similar site for non-bar groups/activities. I can only speak to DC, but when I first moved here I ended up using that because my work and immediate social life was uncomfortably straight (and I don’t like drinking that much). There are gay/queer book clubs, hiking groups, dining clubs, etc. Just chose something you actually want to do and see if you can make more money-straight friends. Good luck, friend!

More non-straight friends (lol autocorrect)

I would strongly recommend looking on meetup or a similar site for non-bar groups/activities. I can only speak to DC, but when I first moved here I ended up using that because my work and immediate social life was uncomfortably straight (and I don’t like drinking that much). There are gay/queer book clubs, hiking groups, dining clubs, etc. Just chose something you actually want to do and see if you can make more money-straight friends. Good luck, friend!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you, OP?

OP: 31 so these feelings of being somewhat disenfranchised have been around for a while. Do not live in DC anymore but in a slightly less <1,000,000 area, obviously there are numerous gay men. Someone mentioned moving to a gay neighborhood. I don't want my identify to solely revolve around being gay. It is part of who I am, not everything. But I understand that I have to get out the door, walk into situations where I don't know anyone, and see what community events are a good fit.

I am the poster that suggested moving to a very gay neighborhood. I still suggest it. It doesn’t have to be your whole life but it should be part of it. Your job isn’t changing and your not leaving your old friends but you need a gayer life at least for now.

To give you some perspective I say this as a 42 year old married man with several kids who’s still lives in the city but a much straighter area. Most of my friends are straights today but this only works because for years I lived in the heart of gay life and for years most of my friends are gay. My work has always been pretty straight.

There’s no one way to be a gay man. Race, ethnicity, social class, regional geography, and religion all shape subcultures within the LGBTQ community. There’s no need to move to a certain city. Any major city and most smaller ones have multiple thriving gay communities that you can interact with. You don’t have to adopt a persona that doesn’t feel like you in order to find acceptance or love. My child is queer. Our consistent message is go after the life you want, you’ll find queer people there because queer people are everywhere.

Anonymous wrote:How old are you, OP?

OP: 31 so these feelings of being somewhat disenfranchised have been around for a while. Do not live in DC anymore but in a slightly less <1,000,000 area, obviously there are numerous gay men. Someone mentioned moving to a gay neighborhood. I don't want my identify to solely revolve around being gay. It is part of who I am, not everything. But I understand that I have to get out the door, walk into situations where I don't know anyone, and see what community events are a good fit.

How old are you, OP?

Whoa. I cannot imagine. But I want to help.

42 year old gay man. Been out since I was 20 (I was never really closeted; it just never dawned on me before that that I could be gay).

First move to a very gay neighborhood (if you are in dc I definitely mean 14th street/ u street). Highly Consider a roommate situation. I think this is so important. If you own a home rent it and move. If you have a recently signed lease and financial means find out why it would cost to terminate it early.

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years so I don’t know much about Grindr but I would go to some gay bars (go for happy hour if not late night). Do some Community events or volunteering. Check out the dc center. Pick up a copy of the blade or check it out online. Go to events (you can leave after 30 minutes if you hate them). You will Hate some of them. There are zillion gay people here and hundreds of communities. You will find one that fits.

Consider a therapist if you can afford it. Michael radkowski would be good.

Are you in DC? Tons of social activities for gay men here. Also consider talking to a therapist.

There are lots of gay discussion forums where you can find lots of men who also came out later in life and you can bounce questions or ideas off of them.

Reddit has a few - for example askgaybros.

There is also datalounge - but proceed with caution. It can be snarkier and more vicious than DCUM!

Youtube has hundreds (thousands?) of channels run by gay men or gay couples where you can listen to people's experiences and advice. Many of them also have social media account where you can contact them if you want to talk further about something you heard.

Also, you don't have to become an entirely different person. You are still you.

Move to Seattle, NYC, LA, or SF.

They are everywhere.

Unlike a lot of guys who knew in the third grade or freshman year of high school that they are gay, it took me a while longer. Looking back, I was "bi-curious" at around twenty-one and then a few years late, following a rough break-up with a woman, felt the urge was too much and experimented.

It did not take much self-reflection to realize I was gay and suddenly certain events and feelings made sense. My family has been very supportive. They just want me to be happy. And at some level I am. It is liberating to know who you are. But the flip side is that I feel like one of those movies where the person wakes up in a different body. Instead of doing the things a heterosexual, urban guy does, my world has changed.

So here are my questions. First, I have no gay friends to talk this through and learn about how they handled similar experiences. And not to get ahead of myself, but I would like to someday date another guy, maybe even have my family meet him. How do I even begin at such a later age with minimal situations with another man? Totally intimidated by Grindr and was never a bar person. With gay men being about 5 or 6% of the population, don't know where to start.