what about a mental or personality disorder diagnosed at age 40. one that is not treatable nor can the person improve.

is an ex spouse demanding "not to tell anyone" feasible?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids really don't need to hear that one parent cheated on the other. Even if they're 17.

+1000

That's NEVER going to help them in their own adult relationships, except to give them massive trust issues.

Meh. In my case, I heard about my dad cheating from everyone else in my family except my mom. I would have appreciated a straightforward talk about it when I was over 18. Wasn't like I wasn't going to find out about it.

Me too. One lying parent is enough, I don't need two. They will find out eventually. When I found out on my own, I felt that my parents had withheld the truth to trick me into accepting the new partner into my life, which I would not have done if I had known about the affair. So I felt betrayed and manipulated.

I would never lie or refuse to tell the truth about a spouse's affair (or my own had I had one), to a child who asked.

OTOH, I did not tell my kids about their father's many, many affairs/infidelities. They were both under age 5. I also refused to lie and say we "fell out of love". I simply explained that parents who live together had to agree about a lot of things -- money, friends, where to live, how to treat each other, etc., that Daddy and I disagreed about some of those things. We tried to get someone to help us come to an agreement but we couldn't so we would be divorcing, but that even though Daddy and I would no longer live in the same house, they (the kids) would still see their Dad very often even if he didn't live in our home.

My DD never asked any other questions beyond my explanation as to why. Her only concern was when she would see Dad and what her own living situation would be.
[Report Post]

This is 100% the best approach. Children need to know that there is a serious reason for their parents to make such a monumental, disruptive decision. If you try to hide it by saying "oh, we just grew apart," that suggests to your kids that all relationships have a shelf life, and then when you grow apart, you just go your separate ways. That's not a healthy model for ANY committed relationship, unless you are trying to raise sociopaths. You don't need to give all the sordid details, but they need to know that there was a commitment and that commitment was broken. Depending on the age of the kids, PP is 100% correct that the kids will just want to know how it will effect their daily lives and if they will still get to see both parents. If there was infidelity, the kids will ALWAYS find out eventually. Always. It's better to hear it from the parent who committed the act than from meddling family members, neighbors, etc. It will come out. Too many people know, and NO ONE outside the cheating couple has any interest in keeping such a secret.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids really don't need to hear that one parent cheated on the other. Even if they're 17.

+1000

That's NEVER going to help them in their own adult relationships, except to give them massive trust issues.

100% agree!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids really don't need to hear that one parent cheated on the other. Even if they're 17.

+1000

That's NEVER going to help them in their own adult relationships, except to give them massive trust issues.

Meh. In my case, I heard about my dad cheating from everyone else in my family except my mom. I would have appreciated a straightforward talk about it when I was over 18. Wasn't like I wasn't going to find out about it.

My son is in college a lot of his friends parents are divorcing now. Most of them is from infidelity and every kid knows whether their other parent told them or not. Kids know who the crazy, alcoholic, cheating spouses Is without anybody telling them. It’s really no use and lying to your kids about what’s going on I’m all for open and honest conversation.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm selfish, but I think that DH should tell his DC when they are old enough that their mother cheated, and that was the reason for the dissolution of the relationship.

She is a selfish, manipulative woman - almost to the point of actively alienating DH from his DC. And I think they should know who she really is.

At this point, his plan is to only share if they ask with specificity.

If they are alienated, they will not share. My husband had the same situation. He only heard from the kids claiming mom didn't get the child support or extra's they demanded when he paid it. The lying continue through everything. All of his kids are messed up in their own way. Its really sad what she did and didn't do for them.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm selfish, but I think that DH should tell his DC when they are old enough that their mother cheated, and that was the reason for the dissolution of the relationship.

She is a selfish, manipulative woman - almost to the point of actively alienating DH from his DC. And I think they should know who she really is.

At this point, his plan is to only share if they ask with specificity.

I would never lie or refuse to tell the truth about a spouse's affair (or my own had I had one), to a child who asked.

OTOH, I did not tell my kids about their father's many, many affairs/infidelities. They were both under age 5. I also refused to lie and say we "fell out of love". I simply explained that parents who live together had to agree about a lot of things -- money, friends, where to live, how to treat each other, etc., that Daddy and I disagreed about some of those things. We tried to get someone to help us come to an agreement but we couldn't so we would be divorcing, but that even though Daddy and I would no longer live in the same house, they (the kids) would still see their Dad very often even if he didn't live in our home.

My DD never asked any other questions beyond my explanation as to why. Her only concern was when she would see Dad and what her own living situation would be.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I think that DH should tell his DC when they are old enough that their mother cheated, and that was the reason for the dissolution of the relationship.

She is a selfish, manipulative woman - almost to the point of actively alienating DH from his DC. And I think they should know who she really is.

At this point, his plan is to only share if they ask with specificity.

My teens at the time did not want to hear anything about it.

OP: Thanks for replies. Helpful to confirm and reminds me to not overthink. Definitely not typical. Thanks,

Anonymous wrote:Kids really don't need to hear that one parent cheated on the other. Even if they're 17.

+1000

That's NEVER going to help them in their own adult relationships, except to give them massive trust issues.

Kids really don't need to hear that one parent cheated on the other. Even if they're 17.

I think you will find few people who separated and then got back together. IMO you get separated only with the intent to get divorced - I don’t personally know anyone who has done differently. It is probably very traumatic and confusing for your kids.

Totally realize this is question for a therapist, but also curious what the gang here would say from their own experiences and if a thread already here - sorry for repeat, but couldn't find it on a search.

Believe most parents don't tell young kids what prompted separation/divorce, but may share some more (but not all?) when kids are older/adults. If parents separate, but get back together - how much share and when? Was thinking just general statements is all should ever say-- so message is only that parents got through some tough times and came out together, but what do you all think about folks that say older kids better served to know whole truth so they can understand what really went on and why 1 parent was out of house for so long - to help kids when kids have own relationships?