OP -- just wanted to say I'm so impressed with you, just with the little you've posted. You sound very caring and thoughtful about how you approach things. I agree with the PP who said that you have to change how you handle your other kids for a little while, to help the new kid not be so traumatized. Tell the kid that you will talk to them later, at the dining room table, after everyone has a chance to calm down. Or ask the adopted kid what would make him feel comfortable. Could you have a family meeting where you discuss new rules that would make everyone feel comfortable -- or is that too much pressure on the adopted kid? (To answer your question, my approach is much like what you set out that you have already been using).

Definitely don't send to the bedroom--that's traumatic for the kid. Instead, choose a spot like the living room sofa, the kitchen table, etc.

I don't think you should change things for your biological kids but should for your other child. This kid also needs therapy if he/she was that badly abused.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For your adopted kid, you need to do a "time in" rather than "time out". And DON'T do it in his bedroom.

So it would look like this:

Kid: breaks rule of playing ball in the house and breaks vase from China
You: Aiden! Come with me into the den right now.

We're going to sit here together and calm down. Let's breathe in and out together, because the sound of that vase breaking was scary. Did you get cut? Because the absolute MOST important thing is that you're okay.

Breathe......

Now, [Mom] really loved that vase - it was really special to her. I'm going to clean it up because I don't want you to get cut. What can you do to make things better for [Mom]?

And then accept things like "bake her a cake, write her an apology letter, get her flowers as an apology, etc."

Yeah, I'm not sending "Aiden" himself off anywhere. He needs a different approach, and I feel like we've got that under control.

I do kind of love how DCUM always assumes there's a den, and a playroom, etc. . . We're in a pretty small space.

I'm the one who wrote that and I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I can send my DD to sit on the stairs in the hallway, sit in the living room, stand in the kitchen, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Age?

Some people are giving advice for toddlers and little kids.

Kids are 9 - 12.

Anonymous wrote:For your adopted kid, you need to do a "time in" rather than "time out". And DON'T do it in his bedroom.

So it would look like this:

Kid: breaks rule of playing ball in the house and breaks vase from China
You: Aiden! Come with me into the den right now.

We're going to sit here together and calm down. Let's breathe in and out together, because the sound of that vase breaking was scary. Did you get cut? Because the absolute MOST important thing is that you're okay.

Breathe......

Now, [Mom] really loved that vase - it was really special to her. I'm going to clean it up because I don't want you to get cut. What can you do to make things better for [Mom]?

And then accept things like "bake her a cake, write her an apology letter, get her flowers as an apology, etc."

Yeah, I'm not sending "Aiden" himself off anywhere. He needs a different approach, and I feel like we've got that under control.

I do kind of love how DCUM always assumes there's a den, and a playroom, etc. . . We're in a pretty small space.

Age?

Some people are giving advice for toddlers and little kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 14 and 18 year olds who are generally really good kids. We’ve never sent our kids to their room for such a talk. Typically the conversation happens at the dining room table. This is where we walk through what happened and then share what the consequences are going to be.

If we need space to think through the consequences, we take it. But we’ve never directed our kids to go wait in their room.

Where are your other kids when this happens?

I guess part of it, is that I feel like my oldest in particular (he's the one who got in trouble today), deserves a little privacy. I feel as though he doesn't need his little siblings watching.

To be clear, my kids aren't waiting up there for an hour, usually, Dad or I is right on their heels, and if we take some time, it's a few minutes.

I would send the rest of the kids (who weren't adopted) out to another area, like to play in the yard or in a playroom, or living room. You should let your new child be able to float around to see what happens or to go with the other kids, as they are ready. Your new child will need to build trust that you aren't beating the crap out of the other kids, and that will take time.

It sounds like it is how you discipline your teens/tweens that is bothering him, and he is afraid of what is happening to them in their room.

I would consider having your children go to the dining room table instead of their rooms for now, or maybe forever. The trauma they suffered is very real and it sounds like they have PTSD. Your other children can adapt to this. It will be okay.

If there is a forum for parents of adopted children, this might be better posted there.

For your adopted kid, you need to do a "time in" rather than "time out". And DON'T do it in his bedroom.

So it would look like this:

Kid: breaks rule of playing ball in the house and breaks vase from China
You: Aiden! Come with me into the den right now.

We're going to sit here together and calm down. Let's breathe in and out together, because the sound of that vase breaking was scary. Did you get cut? Because the absolute MOST important thing is that you're okay.

Breathe......

Now, [Mom] really loved that vase - it was really special to her. I'm going to clean it up because I don't want you to get cut. What can you do to make things better for [Mom]?

And then accept things like "bake her a cake, write her an apology letter, get her flowers as an apology, etc."

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 14 and 18 year olds who are generally really good kids. We’ve never sent our kids to their room for such a talk. Typically the conversation happens at the dining room table. This is where we walk through what happened and then share what the consequences are going to be.

If we need space to think through the consequences, we take it. But we’ve never directed our kids to go wait in their room.

Where are your other kids when this happens?

I guess part of it, is that I feel like my oldest in particular (he's the one who got in trouble today), deserves a little privacy. I feel as though he doesn't need his little siblings watching.

To be clear, my kids aren't waiting up there for an hour, usually, Dad or I is right on their heels, and if we take some time, it's a few minutes.

We sometimes send the other kids to their rooms and have a conversation in the family room. Try that.

Mom of a 14 and 18 year olds who are generally really good kids. We’ve never sent our kids to their room for such a talk. Typically the conversation happens at the dining room table. This is where we walk through what happened and then share what the consequences are going to be.

If we need space to think through the consequences, we take it. But we’ve never directed our kids to go wait in their room.

Time out. 1-2-3. Just sit there.

My kids are good kids, but once in a while they do something they shouldn't. Generally, since they were small, the routine has been that if they do something they shouldn't do, they get sent to their room, and then a parent comes up to talk to them. Most of the time, for minor things, the parent just follows them right up, arriving 30 seconds later, says "don't do that" and then it's over, but sometimes, for more significant behavior, we let them stew a little, and if it's really major then we might let an older kid stew long enough for both parents to both be there and plan out the interaction. That's rare though. If there's a consequence, then the kid is told about the consequence while they're in the room, but most of the time, having to stop whatever you're doing, is the entire consequence and seems to be enough to change their behavior.

This has worked really well for my bio kids since they were little. But now we have a new kid who has joined our family through adoption, and he clearly associates being sent to his room with someone coming up to beat the crap out of him. Even though we've told him many many times that we don't hit our kids, he's still triggered by seeing a sibling sent out of the room (we haven't actually done it to him).

So, I think we need a new routine. But it makes me wonder what other families do. If your kid misbehaves, what's the first thing you do?