Anonymous wrote:At 12, “dating” means that their “friend” is welcome to join you in wholesome family activities, come over for dinner, or do something involving minimal physical contact in a public area of the house with an adult present. Not alone in the basement watching a movie. Not out in public together unless it’s a family activity. Your daughter only goes to her “friend’s” house if you know the parents and trust them to hold to these standards. And if she says she is with friends and not the boy, she had better be with friends and not the boy.

Either the boy really loves your Dad for her sparkling wit and amazing personality, or he doesn’t make it a month.

You are the parent. You give rides, iPhones, money. I don’t have a lot of patience for “I can’t stop my 12 year old from...” You can put a stop to it at 12. It might not be pleasant for you or the kid, but you can put a stop to it. And you should. Because it’s going to be a lot harder when she and her friends start driving.

The piece that jumped out to me is the “she’s the first in her friend group”. Yikes. That’s not a good sign.

This OP. You need to grow a backbone, and stat. Also, get your DH involved in this. Has the young man in question come to the house yet to meet you both? You need to start setting the expectations for your DD now.

Anonymous wrote:At 12, “dating” means that their “friend” is welcome to join you in wholesome family activities, come over for dinner, or do something involving minimal physical contact in a public area of the house with an adult present. Not alone in the basement watching a movie. Not out in public together unless it’s a family activity. Your daughter only goes to her “friend’s” house if you know the parents and trust them to hold to these standards. And if she says she is with friends and not the boy, she had better be with friends and not the boy.

Either the boy really loves your Dad for her sparkling wit and amazing personality, or he doesn’t make it a month.

You are the parent. You give rides, iPhones, money. I don’t have a lot of patience for “I can’t stop my 12 year old from...” You can put a stop to it at 12. It might not be pleasant for you or the kid, but you can put a stop to it. And you should. Because it’s going to be a lot harder when she and her friends start driving.

The piece that jumped out to me is the “she’s the first in her friend group”. Yikes. That’s not a good sign.

Your DD. Not your Dad.

At 12, “dating” means that their “friend” is welcome to join you in wholesome family activities, come over for dinner, or do something involving minimal physical contact in a public area of the house with an adult present. Not alone in the basement watching a movie. Not out in public together unless it’s a family activity. Your daughter only goes to her “friend’s” house if you know the parents and trust them to hold to these standards. And if she says she is with friends and not the boy, she had better be with friends and not the boy.

Either the boy really loves your Dad for her sparkling wit and amazing personality, or he doesn’t make it a month.

You are the parent. You give rides, iPhones, money. I don’t have a lot of patience for “I can’t stop my 12 year old from...” You can put a stop to it at 12. It might not be pleasant for you or the kid, but you can put a stop to it. And you should. Because it’s going to be a lot harder when she and her friends start driving.

The piece that jumped out to me is the “she’s the first in her friend group”. Yikes. That’s not a good sign.

If she had the privacy to kiss a boy at 12, she’ll have the privacy for other stuff. She can be super smart and well-meaning, but if the opportunity to progress is available on a regular basis, it probably will, because hormones. She needs to be kept busy, be sure if she’s at a friend’s house there’s real adult supervision, etc. The time between school lets out and when parents get home especially. Good time to suggest she take that art class after school or join a sport. She should see the boy at school or in groups where there’s not going to be opportunities for alone time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 12 year old DD who is very interested in a boy and they have kissed. I want to find her non-wacky (i.e., non-political), scientific sources that lays out for her why it is best to wait on this. She is the kind of kid to be swayed by facts and research. Can anyone help with something well written on this topic?

OP, you're talking about a 12 year old. You don't have to "sway" her at all. The answer is no; she is too young to be dating and kissing boys. Be a parent and cut this out now.

You cannot prevent her from kissing boys and calling whatever relationship they have “dating.”

I would only allow supervised dates. Time together isn't spent in rooms, but in public and in common areas of the home. I wouldn't bannit because they'll just go underground and think they are romeo and juliet.

Get her the hpv vaccine if you haven’t yet.

If she is popular you need to have a factual conversation about sex. The mechanics, STD risks, and loving someone.

Anonymous wrote:We have a 12 year old DD who is very interested in a boy and they have kissed. I want to find her non-wacky (i.e., non-political), scientific sources that lays out for her why it is best to wait on this. She is the kind of kid to be swayed by facts and research. Can anyone help with something well written on this topic?

OP, you're talking about a 12 year old. You don't have to "sway" her at all. The answer is no; she is too young to be dating and kissing boys. Be a parent and cut this out now.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that a kiss that she told me about isn't the big concern. But they are 'dating', and we fear there will be more down the road quite shortly. She has told us some things that have made our hair stand on end, as these are 12-13 year olds. Unfortunately for us, she isn't in the nerdy group. She is solidly in the more popular group. However, she is the first to have gone down this route

OP, honestly, at this age, I would put a stop to it. There is no reason for a 12 year old girl to be "dating." I would put her on a shorter leash, have a lot more family activities that she is required to participate in and step up her extra curriculars to limit her available time.

Do you know the boy's mother? I might step in there as well; tell her that you are not encouraging this and that you hope that she is not either.

I agree that "kissing," per se, is not big deal, but the problem is, if she's doing this at 12 you're really going to have your hands full when she's 15 or 16.

I agree that a kiss that she told me about isn't the big concern. But they are 'dating', and we fear there will be more down the road quite shortly. She has told us some things that have made our hair stand on end, as these are 12-13 year olds. Unfortunately for us, she isn't in the nerdy group. She is solidly in the more popular group. However, she is the first to have gone down this route

I know you want science OP. But science says otherwise. A 12 year olds lack of prefrontal cortex development makes them terrible at understanding the concept of long term consequences.

A few thoughts.

First, I am pretty conservative about kids and sex. But it sounds like overkill if it’s just a kiss with another 12 year old— and they told you about it. If you are being realistic, very few people ruin their life by kissing at boy when they are 12. If you hit the panic button, your kid just won’t talk to you later.

Second, peers, peers, peers. It’s why religious fear mongering (which I disagree with) works. One of the best things you can do to keep your kid from making stupid decisions is to encourage them to be friends with kids who aren’t making stupid decisions. Stupid decisions are contagious in teens. If “everyone else is doing it” it’s hard to stop your kid. Nerdy kids with sensible parents who enforce limits and have values make awesome teenage peers.

And third, I have gotten far with concrete life examples. And pointing them out occasionally as they come up in life. “Did you hear about the kid who got into Harvard and were rescinded for racist memes? The internet is forever.” “Wow. That poor girl. She was dreaming of being a doctor and now she is going to have to get a GED and work at a dead end job while taking care of a baby.” It’s more concrete for a tween than abstract, longitudinal research.

Google the pictures of genitalia with STD. Show her the worst of them.

Make her watch old episodes of Teen a Mom. That should do the trick

We have a 12 year old DD who is very interested in a boy and they have kissed. I want to find her non-wacky (i.e., non-political), scientific sources that lays out for her why it is best to wait on this. She is the kind of kid to be swayed by facts and research. Can anyone help with something well written on this topic?