Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parents made it abundantly clear that they thought my then-fiance (now husband) was a worthless piece of crap, THANK YOU!

OP here. And in my DH’s case, my mom also made it plain she DID like my sister’s husband, which only rubbed salt in the wound. It would have been easier somehow if she disliked them both.

Are you me? My mom lives with us and it's so blatantly obvious she hates my husband. She has from day 1. But she LOVES my sister's husband.

As long as she treats him respectfully, she is entitled to her thoughts and feelings.

Anonymous wrote:Yup, my MIL couldn't hide it. Though it wasn't so much about me, but how deeply upset she was about "losing" her son. She made our first few years of marriage really stressful and did some serious damage to our relationship. We could have had a much closer relationship if she'd just learned to bite her damn tongue early on. Instead, we have a formal, arm's length relationship and at my core, I don't trust her with my feelings at ALL.

I think that was much of what happened with my MIL also. I married the oldest, favorite son. She obviously liked the middle DIL much better and it shows. I actually don't mid it at this point. I get to do whatever I choose with zero feeling of guilt or obligation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parents made it abundantly clear that they thought my then-fiance (now husband) was a worthless piece of crap, THANK YOU!

OP here. And in my DH’s case, my mom also made it plain she DID like my sister’s husband, which only rubbed salt in the wound. It would have been easier somehow if she disliked them both.

Are you me? My mom lives with us and it's so blatantly obvious she hates my husband. She has from day 1. But she LOVES my sister's husband.

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Yep and don't play the victim when you've been the one creating a hostile environment from day one.
Don't sit there and be nit picky and snippy and then turn around and cry to your child about how distant their wife/husband is.
No one wants to get picked apart and especially not by a MIL/FIL.

Anonymous wrote:Do they have good reason to hate the person? My husband's DIL is a nasty person. She treats her parents and us and his ex like dirt and everything is about money. We never speak badly but sometimes there is good reason.

OP here. In my case, no, my husband has never been anything but kind and respectful to my parents. I suspect it is rooted in her own insecurities. She has a high school diploma and is from a southern state. He is from the NE and has a terminal degree. He is also a secular Jew. (I suspect this is another part of the issue even though I was not raised in a church.) He is a doting husband and father and an excellent “provider” - most MIL’s would be thrilled.

Do they have good reason to hate the person? My husband's DIL is a nasty person. She treats her parents and us and his ex like dirt and everything is about money. We never speak badly but sometimes there is good reason.

Yup, my MIL couldn't hide it. Though it wasn't so much about me, but how deeply upset she was about "losing" her son. She made our first few years of marriage really stressful and did some serious damage to our relationship. We could have had a much closer relationship if she'd just learned to bite her damn tongue early on. Instead, we have a formal, arm's length relationship and at my core, I don't trust her with my feelings at ALL.

When I was in my mid 20’s I was very in love with a great guy who my parents didn’t like because he wasn’t a country club kind of guy and he had a physical disability so he didn’t “show well” according to them. He finally broke up with me because he wanted nothing to do with them. To my regret I ended up marrying a country club kind of guy who turned into a loser and my old BF went on to be very successful. I ran into him 20 years later and all I could do was apologize for my parents behavior and for my not having had the courage to tell them to f-off.

Two thoughts:

1. At most, every parent gets exactly one shot at sharing their negative opinion about someone's partner.
2. Know that the partner will be told, and that any exclusions of the parent based on that are a consequence, and you can't b!tch about it.

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parents made it abundantly clear that they thought my then-fiance (now husband) was a worthless piece of crap, THANK YOU!

OP here. And in my DH’s case, my mom also made it plain she DID like my sister’s husband, which only rubbed salt in the wound. It would have been easier somehow if she disliked them both.

Yes, this NEVER ends well. Keep your mouth shut and support your kid.

As someone whose parents made it abundantly clear that they thought my then-fiance (now husband) was a worthless piece of crap, THANK YOU!

Barring addiction, abuse or some other serious issue. Particularly if your child is telling you they love their spouse and are happily married. Even if it means you have to fake nice, please do this for your child.

It means so much to your child to have your support and it is so damaging and hurtful to make it plain to them you disapprove.