Parents can be great, they can be fine, or they can be really frustrating. I teach self contained special ed, where kids can be placed for a whole range of issues (speech language impairment, emotional/behavioral issues, intellectual disability, deaf-blindness, multiple disabilities, autism, other health impairment...those are the classifications I've encountered in my class in four years as a special educator). Some parents are totally fatalistic about their kids, i.e. "my child doesn't do homework because he doesn't understand anything and he can't."

Some parents are totally unrealistic, repeatedly asking why their child with a major cognitive impairment and global delays isn't achieving at grade level and trying to place blame on me and my colleagues, on the curriculum, etc. Some parents expect me to cater to them, requesting 1:1 attention and support, demanding that I track down assessments and documents and materials to send home multiple times a week, and requesting frequent hour long meetings for which I have no coverage for my class.

Some parents ask me for ridiculous things, like to make them a birthday card (honestly that was sad, but I still didn't do it) or to sew labels into all of the clothes their child brings to school.

Still other parents never show up at school, rarely return a phone call, return paperwork, etc. They don't come to IEP meetings or send in emergency cards. They don't touch their child's folders to look for permission slips, homework, or announcements. They don't send them to school in weather appropriate, well fitting, appropriate clothing. They call once in a blue moon to demand that the school secretary send enrollment forms home. They don't pick up when the nurse calls saying they have a fever, or that they're throwing up, or that they fell and hurt themselves.

And some parents are just fine. They do homework regularly but don't hound me for more or call me to complain about it. They write me occasional notes or call me to ask a question, and write quick responses to my notes home. They sign permission slips and come in with cupcakes on their child's birthday.

You always get some of each, but sometimes you get really unlucky and you have a difficult group. I can't spend all my time at work on the phone with parents or tracking down the OT to forward your questions and photocopy their notes, or printing extra worksheets or providing free one on one tutoring to your child. You try to balance giving in to some of the insanity and putting the kibosh on the rest, just like at any job. Some things I ignore out of self preservation, some things warrant a weekend email, and some things I'll get to next week.

As a SN parent who encountered the full range of teachers (and other school professionals) from horrendous to wonderful, this occurred to me and wish more people woudl consider this as a framework:

Think of 2 axes (i.e. x-y as in math). The Y-axis is the perspective of the parent--the parent's experience of the child over time. The x-axis is the perspective of the parent--the child as compared to, or in the context of, his/her education with his peers. Both dimensions are needed to really see the child in terms of education.

This idea came from something specific--some kind of emotional/behavioral checklist that was done by 6 different people when DS was 12, I don't recall the name of the instrument. At the time he was actually in a therapeutic placement. Checklists were done by his therapeutic caregiver, his dad, myself, and 3 teachers. There was a striking difference in how behavior was perceived comparing the teachers to the other 3 of us, and it jumped out at me that the perception basically boiled down to us focused on what we understood of his internal self and the teachers in terms of his external self. I remember looking online to see if these differences had been studied by anyone (in general) and I did come across some things suggesting that they were.

But if either--parent or teacher--insists on his or her view as the only correct view, basically they are taking their one dimension as the only dimension that matters. These perspectives should complement each other, not necessarily be weighed on a scale as to which is more valid.

At our school, easy. The teachers blow off the parents and never respond to emails. They make it clear we are unwelcome in our kids education.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

This is hard to envision is true.

I disagree -- its extremely believable.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

This is hard to envision is true.

I disagree -- its extremely believable.

Not helpful
Ignoring problems: If teachers raise an issue with you, particularly if it has been going on for more than one school year, please take heed. Even if you think teachers are whiny complainers, few people think it’s fun to complain and complain fruitlessly. There is a reason they’re telling you something. If similar issues come up again and again, particularly from multiple teachers, there may be something you need to pursue. It could be academic, social-emotional, or medical.

Treating school staff like the help: Whatever your beliefs about whether teaching is difficult or easy, no one wants to be treated dismissively or like they are less than. If your child’s teachers are healthy, mature people, meeting them in a spirit of professionalism and collaboration will yield much better results than talking down or using intimidation tactics.

Externalizing blame: I’ve raised serious issues with families only to receive the following responses.

My child is bullying because he is being bullied.

My child is not doing well in x class because the teacher isn’t funny enough

.

My child has failed to turn in the math homework more than six times this semester because the “new math” you teach in America is an inferior teaching technique.

My child has failed to turn in the homework because you teachers have failed to check to see if we parents are signing his assignment book at home every night. (?!)

My child failed to turn in two rough drafts and did not make corrections to the third. However, I do not think it’s fair that he received a C on the final project. That was too discouraging, and the poster was beautiful.

Unacceptable
Abusive behavior is always unacceptable. Swearing, name calling, gas lighting, and unfounded accusations are all grounds for ending a meeting and for calling into question all future interactions. While relatively rare, many of us teachers do see these behaviors multiple times in one year, or we are aware that parents of children whom we teach are directing these behaviors at other teachers or administrators in our schools. It is one of the key reasons why you will see children included in parent-teacher conferences at the secondary level. One reason is that is helps make children responsible for heir own learning. The second reason is that the children's presence greatly reduces the likelihood of abusive behavior.

Great:
Sharing information. Particularly in private schools where we don’t have IEP’s and BIP’s that follow students from year-to-year, we don’t always know what your child is dealing with or how best to help. There are many ways in which you do know your child best, so giving us that info. can be really great.

Doing anything that establishes a relationship with a teacher. The onus is definitely on teachers to reach out. Yet, there are always families who go the extra mile to say hello at the beginning of the year at get to know us outside of communications about their children. Maybe they say “Thank you!” after reading a newsletter or email that they liked. That’s meaningful.

Helpful:
Realize what’s out of your teacher’s control. Teachers cannot change the curriculum once the year is underway. In fact, teachers often cannot change the curriculum at all. That’s a decision that gets made by a department or a district. Depending on the school, teachers may or may not have control over lesson plans. The school’s educational technology is similarly out of the teachers’ hands. I hope we also all know about student privacy by now. Teachers can’t tell you anything about another student’s academics, discipline, or health.

Approaching conversations with a spirit of collaboration is really helpful. Often teachers call a meeting with parents because something seems “not quite right,” a child’s behavior has changed or he does not seem to be achieving up to his potential, for example. Teachers will almost always try a few fixes from their toolbox before involving the parents; they don’t want to ring alarm bells unnecessarily. A meeting is a chance to start getting more information and working on solutions collaboratively. We don’t always walk away with answers, and that’s ok. Sometimes there are a few things both parties need to follow up on first. Hopefully, most teachers are emotionally mature enough to avoid making meetings feel like a “blame game.”

If you have a question about academic progress, bring work samples to discuss. Specific is always better than general or abstract. Your child’s teacher should also have work samples. You can email in advance and say you’d like to talk about certain assignments in the online gradebook.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

This is hard to envision is true.

Yes, all the damn time with this type of nonsense. We have mom/managers that talk to us like we are the help rather than educated professionals with their child's best interests at heart. My most poorly behaved students have parents with blinders on and an axe to grind with anyone showing them the truth.

Anonymous wrote:I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

This is hard to envision is true.

Anonymous wrote:I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

wow.

I have been told that because I am "only a teacher" I am not as qualified as the parent - the spouse of a pediatrician - to make observations on behavior trends I witnessed in the classroom. I was not attempting to make a diagnosis or anything clinical, simply raised issues with poor emotional regulation and other classroom issues with peers. The best part is this woman doesn't have a health care background, she was simply married to a doctor. Her husband was pleasant but disengaged. She actually told me that I "probably wasn't intelligent enough" to complete a degree in a more challenging field.

Anonymous wrote:The badly behaved kids aren't likely the kids of bad parents. Badly behaved kids probably have parents who don't care. The bad/annoying parents are the ones who are too involved and self-centered (regarding their child).

My kid with ADHD is constantly off-task and way too social, doesn't follow directions the first time, and doesn't turn in the homework regularly. Believe me, I care! I empathize with his teachers (and adore the ones who manage to see past these frustrating behaviors to the funny, sweet, smart kid he is) because it must be so difficult having to deal with him all day. It's hard for me when it comes to homework time, and I love him so at least I have that going for me. It's not that I don't care. I'm trying my best and, unfortunately, I also think he's trying his best (his best isn't that great, though).

The badly behaved kids aren't likely the kids of bad parents. Badly behaved kids probably have parents who don't care. The bad/annoying parents are the ones who are too involved and self-centered (regarding their child).

“My child is never wrong.”

“The rules don’t apply to my child.”

I think these two cover all the bases because everything I’ve seen personally or heard from other teachers falls under those two.

Specifically, what are the complaints that parents bring to you? What makes an unbearable parent vs a bearable parent? Are the bad kids always the kids of the bad parents? Or is it sometimes different?