Anonymous
10/04/2019 14:35
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Don't take her. Let this be an opportunity for her and your DH to bond. She will be fine!! I promise!
I hope so. DH rarely spends time with DD one on one (again, a whole other story) and NEVER does bedtime. He also can have a bad attitude and lack of patience when it comes to taking care of DD. It's mostly expressed to me, but I worry that spending several hours with her one on one when he's not used to it will drive him to the hilt.
Patience with children and being able to bond with them takes practice and time. I think a lot of mothers fall into this habit of protecting kids and dads from each other in a weird way. Like shielding the kids from dad's irritation and shielding dad from their irritating behavior in order to keep the peace.
But part of growing up and having relationships with the people in your family and with all the other people you meet along the way is learning if your behavior annoys people and working through that, and also learning if you're overreacting to something and figuring out how to manage that.
Think of it like parents that let their college kids move home for 10 years and never make them uncomfortable by forcing them to get a job or pay rent. You're not helping the kid by doing that. If you never force DH and DD to figure out how to interact with each other by always being there to referee, you aren't helping either of them. They'll never learn because they don't have to. In the long run it's depriving them of a more intimate relationship with one another, even if it is easier in the short run.
To you and PP 13:57. Believe me, I don't want to always be there with DD & DH! DH used to help with bathtime and other childcare duties, but because he would complain about it so much, I just let him off the hook one by one duty. He also used to spend one on one time with DD, but because I asked him to and not because he values it. His work got busy on the weekends, he stopped one on one time and never started again. DD had a much better bond with DH back then and it bothers me that DH doesn't recognize this nor want to start it up again. Nanny and DD do have a great bond for which I'm very grateful, but DD, like a lot of kids, differentiates between nanny (no matter how much she loves her) and her parents.
Having said that, I do think it's good for DD and DH to spend one on one time together, albeit forced on him. Maybe he'll see it's not so bad and start it up again (I say hopefully yet skeptically).
So I'm not trying to be harsh or anything but it sounds like you're doing exactly what I said. Protecting DD and DH from each other. Or perhaps protecting yourself from having to listen to DH complain.
But instead of hearing him complain and taking it up with him to adjust his behavior, you just started to let him off the hook and take them on yourself. So he has learned that if he doesn't like something about child rearing and whines you will just do it. And DD has learned that DH has the option (and is exercising it) to just have a less close relationship with her.
In the short term it will be harder to get on DH and force him to take those duties back on. But in the long run, better for EVERYONE.
I hope you enjoy your trip! And if DH and DD are completely miserable and complain the whole time you're gone I would argue that is evidence that you need to do it MORE frequently not less.
Anonymous
10/04/2019 14:32
Subject: Re:Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:Do you have a real safety issue with DH watching her? If so, that's a different issue.
If not, you should definitely leave her, be matter of fact about it, and don't project your worry on her.
You and Daddy are going to have a great time when I'm on my work trip! I'll call you once a day (at night before bed, not before preschool drop off) to say I love and you and I'll see you on Tuesday.
DH can do it and it will be good for them and good for you.
+1 - it will be 100% fine. Enjoy your time away. Take some time if you can to do something fun by yourself.
Anonymous
10/04/2019 14:30
Subject: Re:Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:Do you have a real safety issue with DH watching her? If so, that's a different issue.
If not, you should definitely leave her, be matter of fact about it, and don't project your worry on her.
You and Daddy are going to have a great time when I'm on my work trip! I'll call you once a day (at night before bed, not before preschool drop off) to say I love and you and I'll see you on Tuesday.
DH can do it and it will be good for them and good for you.
No, no safety issue. Not to project worry - that's good advice. It will absolutely be good for me - I've been craving a night by myself - and I hope for them, too!
Anonymous
10/04/2019 14:28
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Don't take her. Let this be an opportunity for her and your DH to bond. She will be fine!! I promise!
I hope so. DH rarely spends time with DD one on one (again, a whole other story) and NEVER does bedtime. He also can have a bad attitude and lack of patience when it comes to taking care of DD. It's mostly expressed to me, but I worry that spending several hours with her one on one when he's not used to it will drive him to the hilt.
Patience with children and being able to bond with them takes practice and time. I think a lot of mothers fall into this habit of protecting kids and dads from each other in a weird way. Like shielding the kids from dad's irritation and shielding dad from their irritating behavior in order to keep the peace.
But part of growing up and having relationships with the people in your family and with all the other people you meet along the way is learning if your behavior annoys people and working through that, and also learning if you're overreacting to something and figuring out how to manage that.
Think of it like parents that let their college kids move home for 10 years and never make them uncomfortable by forcing them to get a job or pay rent. You're not helping the kid by doing that. If you never force DH and DD to figure out how to interact with each other by always being there to referee, you aren't helping either of them. They'll never learn because they don't have to. In the long run it's depriving them of a more intimate relationship with one another, even if it is easier in the short run.
To you and PP 13:57. Believe me, I don't want to always be there with DD & DH! DH used to help with bathtime and other childcare duties, but because he would complain about it so much, I just let him off the hook one by one duty. He also used to spend one on one time with DD, but because I asked him to and not because he values it. His work got busy on the weekends, he stopped one on one time and never started again. DD had a much better bond with DH back then and it bothers me that DH doesn't recognize this nor want to start it up again. Nanny and DD do have a great bond for which I'm very grateful, but DD, like a lot of kids, differentiates between nanny (no matter how much she loves her) and her parents.
Having said that, I do think it's good for DD and DH to spend one on one time together, albeit forced on him. Maybe he'll see it's not so bad and start it up again (I say hopefully yet skeptically).
Anonymous
10/04/2019 14:09
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:Don't take her. It will be good for everyone involved. And if I were you I wouldn't take the red eye home. Fly the next day.
DD will start to learn to separate a bit, you will learn that if you aren't there everyone will be fine and survive and DH will gain the type of experience and bond and consequently confidence that only time alone with a child can create.
It might be hard, she might cry on facetime but it will be good for everyone.
I normally don't have childcare on Tuesdays, which is why I'm planning to take the redeye. If our nanny can help out on Tuesday, I'm definitely not taking the redeye!
Anonymous
10/04/2019 14:08
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:DD is 4.5 and I've never spent a night away from her. I just started a new job and need to go to the West Coast for a meeting that will require me to be away from home for two nights (fly the night before, take red-eye back). I don't mind spending a night away from her and HAPPILY would have made this a thing when she was younger if we had grandparents near by. But now, I really would prefer the first time to be just one night only. DD loves DH, but he doesn't make her feel "secure" the way I do. She never turns to him for comfort or snuggles. We co-sleep (not my choice, fyi) and when DD goes to bed with DH, she tosses and turns for an hour. When she goes to bed with me, we chat for 10 minutes, she snuggles into me then is out cold. Their bond could be stronger, but that's a whole other story. If I go on this trip, DH will put DD to bed the first night and nanny most likely will the second night. Nanny is wonderful and loving, but DD HATES it when she puts her to bed and seems to have a fear of it. Anytime nanny comes off schedule, DD gets this wide-eyed fearful look as she asks "is NANNY putting me to bed?" then I have to reassure her that no, I will. Did I also mention that DD is kind of sensitive?
Anyway, I'm not feeling great about making our first time apart be two nights instead of one, to the point that I'm considering taking her with me. I will be staying with my parents who can watch her during my meeting, but it'd be a short and therefore tough trip for both of us - fly out Sunday daytime, come back Tuesday daytime. She'd also miss a couple days of preschool, which is not great, but NBD.
Monday would be the only complete day we are apart so I'm thinking FaceTiming in the morning when she wakes up and in the evening before she goes to bed. Other than that, I don't suppose there is anything else I can do to make the experience better for her? Or under the circumstances, would you just take DD with you, in my shoes?
You need to cut the apron strings, OP. You have issues.
Anonymous
10/04/2019 14:01
Subject: Re:Leaving kid overnight for first time
Do you have a real safety issue with DH watching her? If so, that's a different issue.
If not, you should definitely leave her, be matter of fact about it, and don't project your worry on her.
You and Daddy are going to have a great time when I'm on my work trip! I'll call you once a day (at night before bed, not before preschool drop off) to say I love and you and I'll see you on Tuesday.
DH can do it and it will be good for them and good for you.
If not, you should definitely leave her, be matter of fact about it, and don't project your worry on her.
You and Daddy are going to have a great time when I'm on my work trip! I'll call you once a day (at night before bed, not before preschool drop off) to say I love and you and I'll see you on Tuesday.
DH can do it and it will be good for them and good for you.
Anonymous
10/04/2019 13:59
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Don't take her. Let this be an opportunity for her and your DH to bond. She will be fine!! I promise!
I hope so. DH rarely spends time with DD one on one (again, a whole other story) and NEVER does bedtime. He also can have a bad attitude and lack of patience when it comes to taking care of DD. It's mostly expressed to me, but I worry that spending several hours with her one on one when he's not used to it will drive him to the hilt.
Patience with children and being able to bond with them takes practice and time. I think a lot of mothers fall into this habit of protecting kids and dads from each other in a weird way. Like shielding the kids from dad's irritation and shielding dad from their irritating behavior in order to keep the peace.
But part of growing up and having relationships with the people in your family and with all the other people you meet along the way is learning if your behavior annoys people and working through that, and also learning if you're overreacting to something and figuring out how to manage that.
Think of it like parents that let their college kids move home for 10 years and never make them uncomfortable by forcing them to get a job or pay rent. You're not helping the kid by doing that. If you never force DH and DD to figure out how to interact with each other by always being there to referee, you aren't helping either of them. They'll never learn because they don't have to. In the long run it's depriving them of a more intimate relationship with one another, even if it is easier in the short run.
Anonymous
10/04/2019 13:57
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Don't take her. Let this be an opportunity for her and your DH to bond. She will be fine!! I promise!
I hope so. DH rarely spends time with DD one on one (again, a whole other story) and NEVER does bedtime. He also can have a bad attitude and lack of patience when it comes to taking care of DD. It's mostly expressed to me, but I worry that spending several hours with her one on one when he's not used to it will drive him to the hilt.
You have never really given him the chance to do bedtime as it seems you have been there every single night. He has never really had a chance to bond one on one with her or take care of her as you are always there. You sound a little co-dependent on your daughter. You need her to need you and only you. Not DH, not nanny. Just you. This isn't healthy for her. You need to step back and let her bond with others. That will be a bit scary for her at first as you have taught her you are the only one who can meet her needs.
Anonymous
10/04/2019 13:55
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Don't take her. It will be good for everyone involved. And if I were you I wouldn't take the red eye home. Fly the next day.
DD will start to learn to separate a bit, you will learn that if you aren't there everyone will be fine and survive and DH will gain the type of experience and bond and consequently confidence that only time alone with a child can create.
It might be hard, she might cry on facetime but it will be good for everyone.
DD will start to learn to separate a bit, you will learn that if you aren't there everyone will be fine and survive and DH will gain the type of experience and bond and consequently confidence that only time alone with a child can create.
It might be hard, she might cry on facetime but it will be good for everyone.
Anonymous
10/04/2019 13:53
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:Don't take her. Let this be an opportunity for her and your DH to bond. She will be fine!! I promise!
I hope so. DH rarely spends time with DD one on one (again, a whole other story) and NEVER does bedtime. He also can have a bad attitude and lack of patience when it comes to taking care of DD. It's mostly expressed to me, but I worry that spending several hours with her one on one when he's not used to it will drive him to the hilt.
Anonymous
10/04/2019 13:47
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Anonymous wrote:Don't take her. Let this be an opportunity for her and your DH to bond. She will be fine!! I promise!
+1
Anonymous
10/04/2019 13:41
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
Don't take her. Let this be an opportunity for her and your DH to bond. She will be fine!! I promise!
Anonymous
10/04/2019 13:37
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
OP again. Just wanted to add that I will have to make future business trips and don't plan on taking DD unless special circumstances (e.g., make a weekend trip of it). So it's not like I'm never going to leave her at home overnight. I'm just not thrilled about the first time having to be more than one night.
Anonymous
10/04/2019 13:33
Subject: Leaving kid overnight for first time
DD is 4.5 and I've never spent a night away from her. I just started a new job and need to go to the West Coast for a meeting that will require me to be away from home for two nights (fly the night before, take red-eye back). I don't mind spending a night away from her and HAPPILY would have made this a thing when she was younger if we had grandparents near by. But now, I really would prefer the first time to be just one night only. DD loves DH, but he doesn't make her feel "secure" the way I do. She never turns to him for comfort or snuggles. We co-sleep (not my choice, fyi) and when DD goes to bed with DH, she tosses and turns for an hour. When she goes to bed with me, we chat for 10 minutes, she snuggles into me then is out cold. Their bond could be stronger, but that's a whole other story. If I go on this trip, DH will put DD to bed the first night and nanny most likely will the second night. Nanny is wonderful and loving, but DD HATES it when she puts her to bed and seems to have a fear of it. Anytime nanny comes off schedule, DD gets this wide-eyed fearful look as she asks "is NANNY putting me to bed?" then I have to reassure her that no, I will. Did I also mention that DD is kind of sensitive?
Anyway, I'm not feeling great about making our first time apart be two nights instead of one, to the point that I'm considering taking her with me. I will be staying with my parents who can watch her during my meeting, but it'd be a short and therefore tough trip for both of us - fly out Sunday daytime, come back Tuesday daytime. She'd also miss a couple days of preschool, which is not great, but NBD.
Monday would be the only complete day we are apart so I'm thinking FaceTiming in the morning when she wakes up and in the evening before she goes to bed. Other than that, I don't suppose there is anything else I can do to make the experience better for her? Or under the circumstances, would you just take DD with you, in my shoes?
Anyway, I'm not feeling great about making our first time apart be two nights instead of one, to the point that I'm considering taking her with me. I will be staying with my parents who can watch her during my meeting, but it'd be a short and therefore tough trip for both of us - fly out Sunday daytime, come back Tuesday daytime. She'd also miss a couple days of preschool, which is not great, but NBD.
Monday would be the only complete day we are apart so I'm thinking FaceTiming in the morning when she wakes up and in the evening before she goes to bed. Other than that, I don't suppose there is anything else I can do to make the experience better for her? Or under the circumstances, would you just take DD with you, in my shoes?