Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the husbands approach does not work. That's how you raise kids who get overwhelmed and cheat when they get older because they haven't learned to do the work (budgeting time, msking plans, editing) when they were younger. It is also how to raise kids who don't participate in the running of a house.

You can declare that to be so, but I think you're wrong. I mean, I guess it depends how extreme the situation is. If the kids are literally doing nothing, then yeah, they're screwed. But, even if they do a little of it on their own, do a little of it with Dad, and he does the rest, I think they're probably going to be ok when necessity forces them into it. I'm skeptical of "tough love"/"spare the rod, spoil the child" approaches to parenting.

There’s a big gray area between “tough love/spare the rod” and doing your kid’s homework and tying their shoes for them. A middle ground it sounds like the Op is aiming for and her dh is undermining. I would go to a parenting coach or a child therapist, just the two of you, to talk this out with them. It’s clear he has no clue.

Anonymous wrote:I can't get a sense of whether your kids are babied based on one incident. Sometimes my kids need a break from busy work and it's good to have an involved parent nearby.

It sounds like you burst into a room and make snap judgments, creating a furor. I would hate to live with you.

OP here....Hey, how come you can't get a sense of him based on one incident, but you can get a sense of me? Ha!


Anyway, yes, this is a constant theme. It's everything. Every morning the 8 year old is trying to walk out the door without tying his shoes. My response is to tell him to tie his shoes; Dad just ties them. I know it's faster if we do it, but the point is to get him to tie his shoes not just to have them tied. He'll get faster if he does it more. Dad is still cutting the 11 year old's food. Really? Let him cut his food! Let him order for himself at a restaurant. Let them learn to do things for themselves, to get that sense of accomplishment, to believe they are capable. I think it's so bad for them to do everything for them. And I'm a totally involved parent and absolutely willing to help if there's a problem. I don't think kids need to handle everything themselves or do it all on their own. But if they CAN do something, I believe in letting them do it. If they can do it, but not that well, I believe in giving them opportunities to practice.

Super annoying that your husband does this if he does this often. This is not good for kids' development.

You really need to stop controlling everyone. Get therapy.

I can't get a sense of whether your kids are babied based on one incident. Sometimes my kids need a break from busy work and it's good to have an involved parent nearby.

It sounds like you burst into a room and make snap judgments, creating a furor. I would hate to live with you.

Anonymous wrote:Send a note to the teacher and have her ask you son who did the collage. Have her assign a zero for not doing it himself.

Ugh no do not get the teacher involved in your weird family dynamic. I can't believe this issue hasn't come up before. The son should be involved in the solution too. Family therapy if you guys can't foodie or or yourselves.

You have every right to be upset by this.

Trust me on this.
Your children will grow up not understanding responsibility, accountability + integrity.

They will never appreciate anything and will expect that everyone should do everything that they are not doing.

Fix this stat or you will have lazy, unproductive adult children.

Does he have anxiety? Like XYZ has to be done promptly or he feels antsy, nags, gets agitated for stuff like homework or other kid things?

Huh. I find this very unusual actually but maybe it is just my DH. Lol.

Like any parenting issue, just discuss it with him privately when kid is out of earshot, sandwiching the concern between compliments

Hmm. Mostly I see husbands ignoring their kids and thinking it's the wife's job to do that kind of thing, so... at least he's doing something?

Anonymous wrote:No, the husbands approach does not work. That's how you raise kids who get overwhelmed and cheat when they get older because they haven't learned to do the work (budgeting time, msking plans, editing) when they were younger. It is also how to raise kids who don't participate in the running of a house.

You can declare that to be so, but I think you're wrong. I mean, I guess it depends how extreme the situation is. If the kids are literally doing nothing, then yeah, they're screwed. But, even if they do a little of it on their own, do a little of it with Dad, and he does the rest, I think they're probably going to be ok when necessity forces them into it. I'm skeptical of "tough love"/"spare the rod, spoil the child" approaches to parenting.

Send a note to the teacher and have her ask you son who did the collage. Have her assign a zero for not doing it himself.

No, the husbands approach does not work. That's how you raise kids who get overwhelmed and cheat when they get older because they haven't learned to do the work (budgeting time, msking plans, editing) when they were younger. It is also how to raise kids who don't participate in the running of a house.

You guys have to get on the same page. It can't be his way. It can't be your way. Truth is, either of your approaches will probably work. The kids will ultimately be fine if they have two parents who love them & provide the necessities. But neither approach will work if you're undercutting each other.

Drives me crazy. I hate that I have to coparent with him sometimes. Our sixth grader had to do some collage and I come downstairs and DS is bouncing a ball while DH is cutting the pictures! Why are you doing his project? DH says it was faster that way and it’s not like there is some great intellectual task that DS is missing out on. Well, yeah, the project does go faster if an adult is doing it but that isn’t the point! It’s always like this. I give the kids chores but he will do them if I’m not around. I want the kids to contribute to the household; it’s not just about getting the chore done. He will never get them to do their homework or practice the instrument. I cannot make him see that his “help” is a disservice to our kids. I tried to explain it - again! -and he just stomped away, furious. “There’s no law against parents helping!” Ugh!