OP here. My mother actually adopted a family friend's older child out of foster care recently and foster to adopt would be our preference. The issue with foster care is that our first child is still preschool age and we wouldn't want to go out of birth order. Plus we're in DC and my understanding is they have pretty much a 0% adoption rate/100% reunification rate. We'd be amenable to moving to another jurisdiction with more conducive foster to adopt policies, but wouldn't be able to do that for at least a few years and emotionally our family will need to be complete and able to move on from the hardship of infertility and failure by then.

What is the answer then? I would rather not have another child than "buy" a child or participate in shady adoption practices, but no, I'm absolutely not going to bring a traumatized, high needs older child into my preschooler's home. That is not safe or fair for anyone. Are we just out of luck then?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had experience with this? We're about to throw in the towel on treatment and love the idea of adopting, but are scared about the details, especially since we have an older child to consider. Did you decide for or against adoption after infertility (especially secondary infertility)? Could you share your experiences either way?

Adoption is trauma. What do you love about the idea?

Adoption is not trauma. When a parent is unable to raise their children, for whatever reason that is, that is the trauma. Adoption does not cure that problem, but neither does it cause it. Adoption is a way for that child to have a family (which every child deserves), despite the trauma that occurred prior to the adoption.

Most domestic I can’t adoption is not a case of people being unable to parent their child. It is a high demand market filled with infertile couples and a high profit industry who create product by co vi ding oeople that they are not ready or able to parent die to circumstances that are 100% fixable or temporary (-he, lack of health insurance, lack of funds, lack of community support). These are reasons to HELP mothers, not remove their babies from them. Removing healthy babaies from healthy parents for economic reasons or lack of temporary support IS trauma. Trauma created by a hugely profitable market for babies.

Adopting from foster care is very different. OP, are you interested in fostering or adopting older or high needs children who have no parents?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had experience with this? We're about to throw in the towel on treatment and love the idea of adopting, but are scared about the details, especially since we have an older child to consider. Did you decide for or against adoption after infertility (especially secondary infertility)? Could you share your experiences either way?

Adoption is trauma. What do you love about the idea?

OP again. I'm not sure what you're suggesting, could you elaborate? I had pregnancy complications with my first that could reoccur, so am happy to avoid pregnancy again if we can only grow our family by non-traditional methods anyways (donor eggs or embryos, or adoption). For people like us that have no other choice, are you suggesting it would be better to leave children in the foster system instead of adoption?

DP but - ohm so youre adopting a kid ot pf foster care? THST is commendable and much needed. Demanding a white, healthy, neurotypical newborn...... not

We went through secondary infertility. It's tough, I know, OP, and I really wish you the best. We adopted our daughter when our son was 7 years old. She completed our family and has brought us great joy. Our kids are now in their teens and early 20s -- they're very close and always there for each other. We feel incredibly blessed. For us, adoption opened our hearts and our world view. Hope this is helpful and that you find peace in whatever decision you make.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had experience with this? We're about to throw in the towel on treatment and love the idea of adopting, but are scared about the details, especially since we have an older child to consider. Did you decide for or against adoption after infertility (especially secondary infertility)? Could you share your experiences either way?

Adoption is trauma. What do you love about the idea?

Adoption is not trauma. When a parent is unable to raise their children, for whatever reason that is, that is the trauma. Adoption does not cure that problem, but neither does it cause it. Adoption is a way for that child to have a family (which every child deserves), despite the trauma that occurred prior to the adoption.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had experience with this? We're about to throw in the towel on treatment and love the idea of adopting, but are scared about the details, especially since we have an older child to consider. Did you decide for or against adoption after infertility (especially secondary infertility)? Could you share your experiences either way?

Adoption is trauma. What do you love about the idea?

OP again. I'm not sure what you're suggesting, could you elaborate? I had pregnancy complications with my first that could reoccur, so am happy to avoid pregnancy again if we can only grow our family by non-traditional methods anyways (donor eggs or embryos, or adoption). For people like us that have no other choice, are you suggesting it would be better to leave children in the foster system instead of adoption?

Anonymous wrote:Why did you not consider overseas adoption?

Not OP, but it's extremely, extremely expensive. If OP wanted she could hire a surrogate or use donor eggs for probably less than the cost of an international adoption. I'm not saying she should or shouldn't do anything, but this is likely why they ruled it out. Even domestic adoption can cost tens of thousands.

OP here, thanks all. I didn't think of the TTC forum, but will search there as well. I need to do more information gathering, but waiting another 5+ years feels like too much at this point. I don't think I have the emotional stamina to start over again (if you know what I mean). I know people that have done the "quick placement of a healthy newborn through an attorney" route and that is not something I am morally comfortable with. Same with a lot of international adoptions.

Anyways, any other stories about the process (whether you ended up proceeding or not) would be appreciated. Thanks again.

You mighty want to consider posting this in Trying to Conceive (TTC)
.

There's been a great deal of posting about this very scenario in there & you'll most likely find many more posters who have gone through / been through what you're about to.

I wish you all the best of luck, OP.

(((( Hugs ))))

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had experience with this? We're about to throw in the towel on treatment and love the idea of adopting, but are scared about the details, especially since we have an older child to consider. Did you decide for or against adoption after infertility (especially secondary infertility)? Could you share your experiences either way?

Adoption is trauma. What do you love about the idea?

Anonymous wrote:We got pregnant right away with our daughter and I had an easy pregnancy and delivery. Started trying for a second right away. After 5 years of trying everything to have a second we gave up. Then we started down the adoption path. Started our home study and worked with an adoption lawyer. The social worker and adoption lawyer both said that we had to be comfortable with some level of drug use or we would be waiting probably 6 years for a baby who had no drugs from birth mother. We decided that we were not comfortable with any level of maternal drug use. We decided that we would not proceed with the adoption process. We’ve decided to just be a family with an only child.

It took us 5 years to adopt. Even if they say no drugs or alcohol or mental health, many lie to make themselves look good. No regrets but it was very hard and I decided I was happy with one. The only way to get that kind of child is to go to a buy a baby facility or attorney.

Why did you not consider overseas adoption?

We got pregnant right away with our daughter and I had an easy pregnancy and delivery. Started trying for a second right away. After 5 years of trying everything to have a second we gave up. Then we started down the adoption path. Started our home study and worked with an adoption lawyer. The social worker and adoption lawyer both said that we had to be comfortable with some level of drug use or we would be waiting probably 6 years for a baby who had no drugs from birth mother. We decided that we were not comfortable with any level of maternal drug use. We decided that we would not proceed with the adoption process. We’ve decided to just be a family with an only child.

I adopted with no history of infertility, but most of the adoptive parents I met had secondary infertility.

This can work extraordinarily well. Find a good adoption agency (not a private attorney specializing in adoption). Their social workers will help you work thru your grief about Plan A. But trust me. This is a very viable way to obtain what you seek: another child to love and raise. Just do your homework, so you make informed decisions about which adoption path to take (i.e., go to information sessions from several adoption agencies). Two good ones are ATI (adoptions together) which is local and Holt (which is not).

Good luck. I hope you find the joy that I have.

Has anyone had experience with this? We're about to throw in the towel on treatment and love the idea of adopting, but are scared about the details, especially since we have an older child to consider. Did you decide for or against adoption after infertility (especially secondary infertility)? Could you share your experiences either way?