Anonymous
09/14/2019 16:27
Subject: Re:The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
What is so sad to me, after going through my parents decline and now my inlaws is how all consuming it is. It is highly emotional, it can be contentious...with them and siblings, for example, also financially draining, and if you are working, the job could be in jeopardy because there are endless emergencies. It is full time managing medical care, insurance, nurses, in home and out patient visits, medications, the fear of doing something wrong, the fear of not doing enough, lack if sleep, etc.
And then they die. Naturally there is a feeling of relief to some extent, and for some, even an inheritance...like a weird prize of some sort. Then there is the second guessing, maybe some guilt. You won't be bothered at 3 am anymore, or have to argue with your stupid brother or the actual sick parent who is being really difficult, but now wish you could go back and do something or everything differently.
And it is all because people get sick and die at some point in their lives...which is supposed to happen. It shouldn't be a mind f#($ to try and take care of a parent. Everyone deserves to be cared for and loved when they need it, but I know what the reality is. Our lives are not designed for it now. I know it will be the same way when it is my turn. I will be a burden- no matter what I try to do to preempt it.
And then they die. Naturally there is a feeling of relief to some extent, and for some, even an inheritance...like a weird prize of some sort. Then there is the second guessing, maybe some guilt. You won't be bothered at 3 am anymore, or have to argue with your stupid brother or the actual sick parent who is being really difficult, but now wish you could go back and do something or everything differently.
And it is all because people get sick and die at some point in their lives...which is supposed to happen. It shouldn't be a mind f#($ to try and take care of a parent. Everyone deserves to be cared for and loved when they need it, but I know what the reality is. Our lives are not designed for it now. I know it will be the same way when it is my turn. I will be a burden- no matter what I try to do to preempt it.
Anonymous
09/14/2019 15:33
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
Anonymous wrote:There’s a correlation between the gene that allows long fertility (older natural pregnancy) and the gene linked to longevity.
My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.
Until it doesn’t. My dad’s parents made it to 89. He got cancer at 70 w/ zero family history and was very young for his age—looked and moved better than most 50-year olds. I always assumed he’d at least see my kids graduate HS—sadly not. One was in 4th grade, the other 6th. I have to say I was a bit cavalier about our family health and longevity prior so it rocked my world when my dad went through terminal cancer.
Anonymous
09/14/2019 15:33
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
It's been a few years and I'm still recovering from the squash of the sandwich generation period of my life. I'm in my early 40's. When the inlaws health starts to decline, I do feel I will be more mentally prepared, and find it a bit easier with older kids.
Anonymous
09/14/2019 15:24
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
I'm in my late 30s with elementary aged kids and with parents in their good health (69, 77). They have financial resources, but they (mostly my mom) INSIST on aging in place in their own home with no exceptions. My mom is starting to say lots of strongly worded remarks about this, like after visiting someone in a fancy assisted living facility referring to it as "lovely, but the most depressing place in the entire world." I think this is a status/control thing (lots of things are status things with my mom) but it scares the crap out of me. If they need care, they need to be in a facility that can provide it, not holed up in a house with few/no visitors and an overpriced aide without comprehensive medical training. They will need socialization and medical oversight that I will not be able to provide exclusively. I fear the day I have to make this call, if I ever do. If I have to do this in my 40s I can likely make it work, but in my 20s, yeah. I agree OP. It would've been a nightmare. That said, would there be more younger family members around to help -- uncles, aunts, etc... It may be just different, as opposed to completely terrible.
Anonymous
09/14/2019 15:16
Subject: Re:The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
I was 24 and 27 when I had kids.My parents were 27 and 35 ( father) when I was born.My parents declined when I was in my late fifties. My kids were already on their own, but I still had to manage keeping my job. Now we are in our early sixties..retired. Elder care is a full time job. No alzheimers...plenty of other stuff requiring full time attention.
BTW..having kids young was great. I would recommend it whole heartedly. Not too young. Have a right partner first.
BTW..having kids young was great. I would recommend it whole heartedly. Not too young. Have a right partner first.
Anonymous
09/13/2019 21:48
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
21:32 makes a very intriguing point.
You are right, OP, that people are living longer and have the ills of old age without necessarily being able to support themselves.
But with the age correlation thing, who knows? My MIL is still has sharp as a tack and she's much older than my parents, who are very slowly declining. Doesn't bode well for me!
You are right, OP, that people are living longer and have the ills of old age without necessarily being able to support themselves.
But with the age correlation thing, who knows? My MIL is still has sharp as a tack and she's much older than my parents, who are very slowly declining. Doesn't bode well for me!
Anonymous
09/13/2019 21:32
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
There’s a correlation between the gene that allows long fertility (older natural pregnancy) and the gene linked to longevity.
My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.
My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.
Anonymous
09/13/2019 21:19
Subject: Re:The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
We are in a position of having to deal with eldercare issues/aging parents along with young children. Both are hard on their own; dealing with both together is a special kind of hell. DH is the youngest child so his dad was 45 when he was born; DH was 43 when our youngest was born. Dealing with a toddler and 90 yo.
This is in sharp contrast to when my parents dealt with elder care -- by the time their parents needed help, I and my brother were college age. We were pretty self-sufficient by then so my parents did not feel pulled in two different directions. It is really hard to take care of the numerous medical emergencies of a frail elderly person when you also have young children who cannot be left home alone, and also in many instances, cannot or should not come with you to the hospital.
This is just going to get more and more common as people have kids in their early 40s.
This is in sharp contrast to when my parents dealt with elder care -- by the time their parents needed help, I and my brother were college age. We were pretty self-sufficient by then so my parents did not feel pulled in two different directions. It is really hard to take care of the numerous medical emergencies of a frail elderly person when you also have young children who cannot be left home alone, and also in many instances, cannot or should not come with you to the hospital.
This is just going to get more and more common as people have kids in their early 40s.
Anonymous
09/13/2019 21:06
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
When my youngest is in their 50s, I will hopefully have made it to my 90’s. I guess I rationalize it by knowing that they (my kids) will not be in their 70s trying to navigate my elder care if needed and will be free from that burden by the time they have to worry about their own care
Anonymous
09/13/2019 20:55
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
I was super sick in my 30s and also my father’s caregiver. He died when I was 35. I had a couple of major surgeries afterwards and didn’t become a parent until 39. After dealing with all of that, parenthood is a breeze and I’m loving my 40s.
Anonymous
09/13/2019 12:09
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
I think the un-thought-about issue is two generations of older parents.
If you had regular age or younger age parents and you have kids when you are older, odds are, you (2nd generation) won't have to deal with the 1st generation's decline when the 3rd generation is at their most needy. As a bonus, odds are that the 1st generation can help alleviate stress for you and help you with the 3rd generation.
It's when both the 1st and 2nd generation have kids older, odds are it's a nightmare for the 2nd generation. Just when your kids are needy, your parents are dead or in decline, and so not only can they not help you, they are in need of you.
My dad was 50 when I was born and my mom was 40. I had kids late. Dad had died the year before at 83. Mom had already had cancer, and it came out of remission when my kids were really young. Then she had years of bad health and died this spring at age 93.
One of my teens was goign through a hard time (a physical problem that had gotten in the way of school, and started her being depressed) and I couldn't fix my kid, couldn't fix my mom, and I got so stressed out I couldn't eat and was shaking all the time. This has never happened to me before--I usually stress-eat and I love food, and I've been in stressful situations before, but nothing like this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Any individual could have this bad timing happen to them, but the odds are that a really hard-core sandwich crunch like that will happen is much higher when there are two generations of older parents.
If you had regular age or younger age parents and you have kids when you are older, odds are, you (2nd generation) won't have to deal with the 1st generation's decline when the 3rd generation is at their most needy. As a bonus, odds are that the 1st generation can help alleviate stress for you and help you with the 3rd generation.
It's when both the 1st and 2nd generation have kids older, odds are it's a nightmare for the 2nd generation. Just when your kids are needy, your parents are dead or in decline, and so not only can they not help you, they are in need of you.
My dad was 50 when I was born and my mom was 40. I had kids late. Dad had died the year before at 83. Mom had already had cancer, and it came out of remission when my kids were really young. Then she had years of bad health and died this spring at age 93.
One of my teens was goign through a hard time (a physical problem that had gotten in the way of school, and started her being depressed) and I couldn't fix my kid, couldn't fix my mom, and I got so stressed out I couldn't eat and was shaking all the time. This has never happened to me before--I usually stress-eat and I love food, and I've been in stressful situations before, but nothing like this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Any individual could have this bad timing happen to them, but the odds are that a really hard-core sandwich crunch like that will happen is much higher when there are two generations of older parents.
Anonymous
09/13/2019 12:00
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
Meh. I don't think it's the age of the parents that's going to affect this too much --it's that overall, people are living much longer and the family supports that used to be a given are now largely gone. Whether or not you had your kids five years later will matter less than how long you are going to live, how how well you age (stay active, people) and HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE (this is critical).
Anonymous
09/13/2019 11:54
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As a forty something dealing with parents where one has Alzheimers and one dementia I truly worry about the kids born to older parents and yes I am in that group. Yes, parents can get ill at any age. Yes, there are endless benefits to having older parents including financial stability, parents who have achieved career success and may be more available emotionally, parents with life experience. Yes there is no ideal solution because as I said many wonderful things come from having kids later in life (had one of mine later). However, there will indeed be more 20 somethings and 30somethings dealing with parents with age related issues. It's a living hell some days in my 40s, but at least I have a happy and stable marriage. Not sure early on my marriage could have endured this stress. I have the financial resources to outsource. I have been through lots of adversity and know how to cope in a healthy way. If I dealt with this in my 20s I don't think I had the life experience and reserves to stay afloat.
To be clear, I am not saying, don't have kids later. I had one later. What I am saying is there are going to be more young people facing a crazy kind of hell many of us don't face until middle age or beyond.
I guess to be positive, they will be younger and more energetic so many it won't wipe them out as much. I just hope by that time we have more affordable options available to help these young adults navigate a truly challenging and draining experience.
(Yes, I know not all old people develop dementia and throw tantrums, but my parents did and I cannot imagine doing this in my 20s without having a nervous breakdown).
We had kids older and I have thought of these things - but another (many times) benefit of having kids older is you are more financially stable = have your own financial resources to outsource. So we won't need the kids to do that for us. But they will have the stress of aging parents at a younger age than we do.
OP here. That is a good point. Very important to note, you have thought about it and you don't expect them to be hands on. My parents don't want me outsourcing regardless of it's my money or theirs because they don't like dealing with strangers. This has caused a tremendous amount of stress and they have fired and been fired by quite a few people. I hope more people will be as reasonable as you are.
Anonymous
09/13/2019 11:50
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
Anonymous wrote:As a forty something dealing with parents where one has Alzheimers and one dementia I truly worry about the kids born to older parents and yes I am in that group. Yes, parents can get ill at any age. Yes, there are endless benefits to having older parents including financial stability, parents who have achieved career success and may be more available emotionally, parents with life experience. Yes there is no ideal solution because as I said many wonderful things come from having kids later in life (had one of mine later). However, there will indeed be more 20 somethings and 30somethings dealing with parents with age related issues. It's a living hell some days in my 40s, but at least I have a happy and stable marriage. Not sure early on my marriage could have endured this stress. I have the financial resources to outsource. I have been through lots of adversity and know how to cope in a healthy way. If I dealt with this in my 20s I don't think I had the life experience and reserves to stay afloat.
To be clear, I am not saying, don't have kids later. I had one later. What I am saying is there are going to be more young people facing a crazy kind of hell many of us don't face until middle age or beyond.
I guess to be positive, they will be younger and more energetic so many it won't wipe them out as much. I just hope by that time we have more affordable options available to help these young adults navigate a truly challenging and draining experience.
(Yes, I know not all old people develop dementia and throw tantrums, but my parents did and I cannot imagine doing this in my 20s without having a nervous breakdown).
We had kids older and I have thought of these things - but another (many times) benefit of having kids older is you are more financially stable = have your own financial resources to outsource. So we won't need the kids to do that for us. But they will have the stress of aging parents at a younger age than we do.
Anonymous
09/13/2019 11:45
Subject: The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about
As a forty something dealing with parents where one has Alzheimers and one dementia I truly worry about the kids born to older parents and yes I am in that group. Yes, parents can get ill at any age. Yes, there are endless benefits to having older parents including financial stability, parents who have achieved career success and may be more available emotionally, parents with life experience. Yes there is no ideal solution because as I said many wonderful things come from having kids later in life (had one of mine later). However, there will indeed be more 20 somethings and 30somethings dealing with parents with age related issues. It's a living hell some days in my 40s, but at least I have a happy and stable marriage. Not sure early on my marriage could have endured this stress. I have the financial resources to outsource. I have been through lots of adversity and know how to cope in a healthy way. If I dealt with this in my 20s I don't think I had the life experience and reserves to stay afloat.
To be clear, I am not saying, don't have kids later. I had one later. What I am saying is there are going to be more young people facing a crazy kind of hell many of us don't face until middle age or beyond.
I guess to be positive, they will be younger and more energetic so many it won't wipe them out as much. I just hope by that time we have more affordable options available to help these young adults navigate a truly challenging and draining experience.
(Yes, I know not all old people develop dementia and throw tantrums, but my parents did and I cannot imagine doing this in my 20s without having a nervous breakdown).
To be clear, I am not saying, don't have kids later. I had one later. What I am saying is there are going to be more young people facing a crazy kind of hell many of us don't face until middle age or beyond.
I guess to be positive, they will be younger and more energetic so many it won't wipe them out as much. I just hope by that time we have more affordable options available to help these young adults navigate a truly challenging and draining experience.
(Yes, I know not all old people develop dementia and throw tantrums, but my parents did and I cannot imagine doing this in my 20s without having a nervous breakdown).