Thanks for all the replies. I could work from home at least one day a week without a problem, so I should at least try that and see if that helps.

On some level I think that hiring more childcare is not what I want to do b/c I actually want to see my kids more, even though a good chunk of that time is inevitably sort of boring--getting them ready in the morning, picking them up from school (aftercare), etc. Even if I had a house manager/nanny, which does sound pretty amazing, I would still be limited in the # of hours I can spend with them while working full time. Maybe I would be less stressed overall, though, so my time with them would be more "high-quality" and pleasurable, I don't know.

The thing that's hard to know is whether I will regret leaving my job (if I do that) in terms of whether I will be somewhat "mommy-tracking" myself/harming my future career prospects. But I tend to think it's better to risk that than to risk wishing I had worked less years from now when the kids are grown up and it's too late.

Your boss is right. Going part time in an office with mostly full time will mean you're more stressed out trying frantically to do the same amount of work during fewer hours and less pay because no one really respects your 20 hour a week/32 hour a week or whatever schedule. This is the primary reason most moms at my office try the part time track and then change their mind after a few months.

Flex and telework help if your office respects them. If no one else does, you should job hunt for a more flexible workplace.

Also, no to the au pair. APs are SO much extra work with onboarding, language/comprehension issues, driving issues, and teenage drama as well as having an extra body in your home. Some people are really happy with APs. I think most of us are counting the days until the kids are old enough that we don't need the help. A few flame out of the program with a string of terrible APs (and the agencies will cagey about how many leave/rematch for lying or unqualified APs).

If you have the money, hire a housekeeper who does some childcare. Also, get DH to step up more. You shouldn't be the only one stressed by managing home and family.

Your boss said no to PT (and I do agree one danger is working the same for less money) but what about more flex? I WFH regularly and it saves so much time and sanity. If you are not ready to quit and it feels daunting to find PT work, could you propose WFH two days a week?

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

Isn’t it usually the role of grandparents...
to just kick back and “enjoy” the kids?

Do you do any “unpleasant” tasks around the house altogether,
or is that stuff already done by the house manager?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think kids should be with their parents more often,
rather than less often.

+1
The relationship starts young with your presence

My BIL and MIL/FIL ended up in a terrible passive co-dependency dynamic with their dyslexic and ADHD Inattentive son. He's now late 30s, can't hold down a job or relationship, and never got the proper help.

OP - just make sure you get the proper mental help and therapies for your SN child - beyond the academic ones. If you want to devote you whole life to it or 18 years to it, fine. Just know that it will likely be thankless, have nothing to do with your husband, and it might not create and independent adult. If your SNs are more of the handicap once, that does not apply, and please find all the programs, grants and special schools you qualify for now and in the future.

Take care of yourself too.

I find that part time is a good balance: I still get to have a career but I have plenty of time with my DC. I would keep looking for part time work.

Anonymous wrote:I think kids should be with their parents more often,
rather than less often.

+1
The relationship starts young with your presence

I went to 32 hours a week and it was the best decision for my family ever. I work from 8-2:30 and then I’m completely done. No one can say anything to me bc im “part time” however my job classifies me as full time so I still get the benefits. I’m way less stressed and I’m able to do school pick up. Push for it. At my job full time means until the job is done not 40 hours so I’m actually paid more per hour.

I guess I'd try to nanny, tutors, or Au pair route for 6-12 mos before quitting my career or drastically downshifting.

Especially if it's mainly the driving to the specialists. But you both have to practice the drills with her.

A job with lots of telework and a more flexible schedule — not with arrival/departure times, rather the ability to flex your time as needed— would solve some of the problem also. Depending on your industry, that may be easier to find.

Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

Follow your heart OP. Looking back on your life, what will you regret more?

If you can afford a nanny, do it, and keep your career on track.

I think kids should be with their parents more often,
rather than less often.

Not sure if this should go under Jobs or Parenting or Special Needs. My DH and I both work full time but for the last few years I have been wanting to find a part-time job. Partly this is bc my older daughter has special needs and there are a couple of kinds of therapy we should be doing that we just aren’t bc we don’t have time to take her to more appointments.

Also I feel like I don’t see my kids enough—we don’t usually get home until 6 or so, and it’s kind of a mad rush to just microwave leftovers, eat, maybe do a tiny bit of homework or piano practice, a bit of play, non-daily baths, reading before bed. They go to bed at 8:30 but really more like 9, when it should be 8 or so—my younger daughter could certainly use more sleep. (Kids are 9 and 6.)

I asked my boss if I could work part time and she said no—we aren’t really structured that way, nobody else does it, she thinks I would end up working the same amount for less money. I appreciated her honesty anyway. I have done some preliminary searching for a PT job but they are not easy to find. I would not want to stop working altogether bc my career is important to me. Also we could technically afford it on just my husband’s salary but things would be tight and we wouldn’t save enough.

What I am wondering is whether we should think about getting a nanny or au pair or other child care solution to bring my son to appointments and maybe pick up the kids earlier from school to get them home. This could solve my issue w the appointments, and maybe at least somewhat help w the nighttime craziness bc I could leave directly from work and be home by 5 or 5:30, or maybe even earlier if I shifted my schedule earlier, and have a little more time to spend w them.

OTOH I don’t like the idea of an au pair living with us. And i think if I could design my ideal world there would not be such pressure to work FT or potential career consequences for going PT. And I just do want to spend more time w them when they’re growing up.

I’m curious to hear from others who have struggled with this about what you’ve done and how it has turned out.