So, you have them babysitting? Are they doing other things for you too? Can’t really have boundaries with people you are beholden to.

Also, can’t have boundaries when you act like a doormat. Just tell them they aren’t invited anymore because they insult other kids and that’s not acceptable. Stop being so frightened of the fallout.

Anonymous wrote:There's a whole history here of me telling them how I feel and them telling me that I'm paranoid and dramatic and acting like a teenager. Basically my thoughts and feelings are invalidated if it's something that they don't want to hear. Yes, I've been to therapy about this. Yes, I've set boundaries but they continue to encroach upon them. It was much easier to set firm boundaries before I had kids. Now that I have kids and want my kids to have a meaningful relationship with them it's murkier. My kids also like to see their grandparents at games, so that's an aspect I have to consider as well.

I have flat out told them I will never allow my children to be used as a pawn in their guilt game. In the past they've made comments about things like maybe they won't be available to babysit if I'm not going to be "nice" to them and appreciate them. I tell them that's fine, if they choose to not have a relationship with their grandchildren then that's 100% their choice. At the same time the games and events are in public places that they are allowed to attend so it's not like I can keep them away. The schedules are also posted online so even if we don't provide the information they will find it and show up anyway.

To me it's more of an embarassment socially. Today I was just getting to chat with some moms on the team for the first time and was trying to make some connections with them and then here come my parents who will stand next to me and try to horn in on the conversation with people I am meeting for the first time and then they make socially inappropriate comments. I don't want to be associated with their behavior. I don't want to make a scene in front of others and make them uncomfortable by treating my parents like children. -OP

Then guess what? You’re going to keep being bothered and embarrassed. Unless you’re will to step up and call them out succinctly in the moment, you’ll continue to struggle with this. You’ve been given repeated advice to do this. You’ve been given exact language to use. But you choose not to even try it. If you’re not willing to even try something different, then stop complaining.

There's a whole history here of me telling them how I feel and them telling me that I'm paranoid and dramatic and acting like a teenager. Basically my thoughts and feelings are invalidated if it's something that they don't want to hear. Yes, I've been to therapy about this. Yes, I've set boundaries but they continue to encroach upon them. It was much easier to set firm boundaries before I had kids. Now that I have kids and want my kids to have a meaningful relationship with them it's murkier. My kids also like to see their grandparents at games, so that's an aspect I have to consider as well.

I have flat out told them I will never allow my children to be used as a pawn in their guilt game. In the past they've made comments about things like maybe they won't be available to babysit if I'm not going to be "nice" to them and appreciate them. I tell them that's fine, if they choose to not have a relationship with their grandchildren then that's 100% their choice. At the same time the games and events are in public places that they are allowed to attend so it's not like I can keep them away. The schedules are also posted online so even if we don't provide the information they will find it and show up anyway.

To me it's more of an embarassment socially. Today I was just getting to chat with some moms on the team for the first time and was trying to make some connections with them and then here come my parents who will stand next to me and try to horn in on the conversation with people I am meeting for the first time and then they make socially inappropriate comments. I don't want to be associated with their behavior. I don't want to make a scene in front of others and make them uncomfortable by treating my parents like children. -OP

You need to set firm boundaries.

My MIL is often horribly embarrassing. She likes to tell “her story” to anyone she can corner - which is basically about what a lying cheating evil bastard my FIL is and how horrible her life has been since the divorce. Super fun at 5 year old birthday parties, christenings, etc.

We got tired of being embarrassed so we rarely put her in a situation where she has that option. We hang out at the house, go to dinner, go to plays/movies/museums. We do not invite her to any school events, birthday parties or sporting events. I am considering relaxing the rule on sporting events on her next visit, but i may regret that.

You need to stop giving them the opportunity to embarrass you or your kids or you’re just repeating the cycle.

I crossed the Atlantic to get away from my mother, OP. That's how suffocating and cringe-worthy she was.

Now she's showing her age (hunched and hobbling, all white hair, visibly fragile), people give her a pass when she dithers and becomes indelicate. They don't know she's ALWAYS been like this. So I don't mind visiting anymore.

You really need to draw even firmer boundaries if you choose not to move. It's OK if there's a fight! I've had many a fight with my mother before she reached the Old Age Pass. Every time, she ceded a bit of power over me.

Have no pity. Insensitive people who love playing the victim like this don't deserve it.

It's no fun to have to treat your parents like they're toddlers. I grew up feeling intensely embarrassed by my mom, and yes, still OFTEN feel that way.

Now that my mom is in her 80s, I'm training myself to see her as an elderly, Sometimes addled old woman. Sounds terrible, but in general, I'm pretty tolerant of old folks; may as well extend that to my own mom. (Mind you, she hasn't slowed down much, and is as mentally alert as ever. I'm just pretending that her actions are due to aging so I don't feel so embarrassed all the time).

We had a milder version of this issue with my in-laws for many years. They are nice people, but get overly excited watching their grandkids play and also had a tendency to talk to cheer too much for our kids, and/or say critical things about others at way too loud of a volume.

We started by telling them that sportsmanship rules for spectators had changed since the ‘80s and showed them the parent conduct expectation list the kid’s coaches or clubs made us sign. Then, every time they said something inappropriate, my husband would give them a look and shake his head sharply. They’d do well for a while, then start to backslide. One day my MIL yelled “Pass it to Jimmy [our son]!” really, really loudly when she was frustrated that another kid took a shot when he was open. It was absolutely mortifying. DH marched them off the sideline and told them they were embarrassing everyone with their behavior and would not be allowed to attend more games unless they shaped up. They got the point, and have made an effort all the years since.

They are clearly more reasonable than your parents sound like, OP, but you need to insist that they show good sportsmanship. If that causes chaos in your relationship with them, then it’s probably long past time to set some boundaries. I know it’s hard, but you will feel better if you nip this in the bud.

Anonymous wrote:Call them out in the moment.
“Mom, please don’t talk about other children. So anyway Sally, do you think it’s gong to rain later.”

“Mom, we don’t talk about birthday parties around other families. You have no idea who’s invited or not. Wow, look! sally almost got a goal!”

“I’ll answer your question when I finish talking here with Madge.” Then turn your body towards Madge.

Rinse and repeat. Do not engage.

Exactly. They need to be called out in front of others if they won't listen to you when you're alone.

Anonymous wrote:Call them out in the moment.
“Mom, please don’t talk about other children. So anyway Sally, do you think it’s gong to rain later.”

“Mom, we don’t talk about birthday parties around other families. You have no idea who’s invited or not. Wow, look! sally almost got a goal!”

“I’ll answer your question when I finish talking here with Madge.” Then turn your body towards Madge.

Rinse and repeat. Do not engage.

Absolutely this. The whole thread made me laugh because these parents sounds exactly like my EIGHT year old. we just got back from his older brothers baseball game and he makes comments like this. But he’s 8! And this is how I handle it. Amazing that your parents didn’t learn these things earlier in life but If they are going to behave like children then use the same strategies you’d use on children. Sorry OP- this sounds really irritating and stressful.

I know people are going to say I need to stop giving the game details. I've tried to give the game info at the last minute so that there might be a scheduling conflict for them, but they pretty much clear their Saturdays during sports seasons so they're able to attend games. They also don't just accept not getting the details--they will ask me over and over until I provide the information. If I say that I won't provide details unless they stop being socially clueless it will create serious chaos for me.

OP, you really need to stop giving the details altogether. Try it for next weekend. Ignore the requests. Let the calls go to voicemail. Don't respond to the texts. No one is putting a gun to your head to tell when a soccer game is. They're like a little kid that wears down the parent until they give in and give them the toy. "If I just ask 78 times, they'll finally get tired and give me what a I want."

I wouldn't provide any conditions. Just say that they've been rude and that you're not giving out the info this week. You'll try again with them next weekend. Then change the subject or tell them you're hanging up or just leave. You absolutely need to go a weekend without them. You need to set that boundary that you will not reward this behavior. They'll be fine.

Maybe talk to the other parents at practice and then stand apart from the crowd at games if you can’t dissuade your parents from coming.

Call them out in the moment.
“Mom, please don’t talk about other children. So anyway Sally, do you think it’s gong to rain later.”

“Mom, we don’t talk about birthday parties around other families. You have no idea who’s invited or not. Wow, look! sally almost got a goal!”

“I’ll answer your question when I finish talking here with Madge.” Then turn your body towards Madge.

Rinse and repeat. Do not engage.

My mom and stepfather are racist. They come to events for my kids and stare and make loud comments. We live in a diverse area. They are no longer invited. In your case, allow them to come to one game a season. Excessive for them to come to each game.

My parents live pretty local to us. They like to be involved in their grandkids' lives, which is a relationship I try to foster between them. However, the way they behave at things like my kids' sports games or other events is embarrassing to me.

Take today, for example. My daughter is on a new softball team this season because her old softball team disbanded. I know one of the other families, and am trying to make small talk to get to know some of the others. My parents arrive and stand directly next to me and talk out loud about the other kids ("that kid looks like she doesn't even want to be here...what's the story with that?"--about the girl at bat, or "a lot of these kids must be younger than DD because they're so small"). It's not necessarily that what they're saying is terrible in a vacuum, but just the fact that they're making comments in front of people who may or may not be their parents or close to them or whatever is just really socially clueless to me. They also won't give me any space, and come stand directly next to me and will interrupt conversations I'm having to ask me a question. My mom also started talking loudly about DD's birthday party in a few weeks within earshot of the one family we do know, but we didn't invite the girl because we're doing a smaller party this year and this girl isn't one of DD's closest friends.

This is not anything related to getting older for them. They've been this way for my whole life. You know when you're a teenager and you cringe at being with your parents in public? That's how I used to feel and still feel as an adult.

When I've brought these things up with them, they get very offended and don't see what's wrong with what they talk about in front of others I'm trying to form relationships with. They play the victim about it and I have to hear about how much I've hurt them when they're just trying to support their grandkids. I know people are going to say I need to stop giving the game details. I've tried to give the game info at the last minute so that there might be a scheduling conflict for them, but they pretty much clear their Saturdays during sports seasons so they're able to attend games. They also don't just accept not getting the details--they will ask me over and over until I provide the information. If I say that I won't provide details unless they stop being socially clueless it will create serious chaos for me.

Does anyone else experience this? How do you navigate this kind of situation?