Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 15:25     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Before I got divorced I’d asked my then-husband if he still wanted to be married to me. Flat out. He hesitated. In that hesitation was all the answer I needed.

Just ask.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 15:20     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
The answer is no, he's not happy. People who are happy don't talk about leaving.

A more constructive question would be "Are you committed to making this marriage work? And if so, would you be open to sharing two things I can do or not do that would make a big enough difference to you that you'd feel re-invested in our marriage?"
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 15:18     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
+ a million to 15:06. BTDT.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 15:12     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Anonymous wrote:I've been down this path and it was less helpful than you would think. Someone who checks out and mopes a lot but doesn't talk to you about what's going on, get into therapy, or suggest couples therapy is also likely to someone who is not super self-aware or interested in working on your relationship. Opening the 'why is my husband unhappy' box meant getting to hear all sorts of crazy, terrible stuff about myself and our marriage, some of which contradicted each other day to day. My suggestions for how to fix things were shot down, because this wasn't actually someone who was interested in fixing things, otherwise...he already would have been trying to fix things. I hope it goes better for you. But if it doesn't, I hope you more quickly get from "I am responsible for my husband's emotional state" to "my husband is the only person who can help himself, and there's only so much unpleasantness I will willingly subject myself to."


That is an interesting perspective. I agree you can't be responsible for another person's emotional state although there is often advice on here to husbands about what they should do to keep their wives happy, manage their wife's stress level etc. However I wouldn't go so far as to say that only the person can help themselves. Marriage is a dynamic and it means both people are involved in the dynamic and in the patterns of how they relate, act, and react to each other. It is okay to have expectations of your spouse and to need things from your spouse. Both men and women.
jabaltimore004
Post 09/03/2019 15:08     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Anonymous wrote:I've been down this path and it was less helpful than you would think. Someone who checks out and mopes a lot but doesn't talk to you about what's going on, get into therapy, or suggest couples therapy is also likely to someone who is not super self-aware or interested in working on your relationship. Opening the 'why is my husband unhappy' box meant getting to hear all sorts of crazy, terrible stuff about myself and our marriage, some of which contradicted each other day to day. My suggestions for how to fix things were shot down, because this wasn't actually someone who was interested in fixing things, otherwise...he already would have been trying to fix things. I hope it goes better for you. But if it doesn't, I hope you more quickly get from "I am responsible for my husband's emotional state" to "my husband is the only person who can help himself, and there's only so much unpleasantness I will willingly subject myself to."


Winner winner, chicken dinner.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 15:06     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
I've been down this path and it was less helpful than you would think. Someone who checks out and mopes a lot but doesn't talk to you about what's going on, get into therapy, or suggest couples therapy is also likely to someone who is not super self-aware or interested in working on your relationship. Opening the 'why is my husband unhappy' box meant getting to hear all sorts of crazy, terrible stuff about myself and our marriage, some of which contradicted each other day to day. My suggestions for how to fix things were shot down, because this wasn't actually someone who was interested in fixing things, otherwise...he already would have been trying to fix things. I hope it goes better for you. But if it doesn't, I hope you more quickly get from "I am responsible for my husband's emotional state" to "my husband is the only person who can help himself, and there's only so much unpleasantness I will willingly subject myself to."
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 15:04     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
If he has made comments in the past that he was thinking of leaving - then no he isn't happy. You seem to have your head in the sand a bit. When he said he was thinking of leaving, did you have a conversation about why he was unhappy and what he needed from a marriage that isn't there?

You should affirm his unhappiness and figure out what he needs. You can be upfront. Tell him, I feel like you are slowly checking out - here is what I see (examples). I really want this marriage to work and I realize there are things we need to work on for this to be a happy marriage for both of us. Can we talk it?
jabaltimore004
Post 09/03/2019 15:00     Subject: Re:Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
I know it's uncomfortable for a lot of people, but sometimes you've just got to get the questions out there.

You're willing to work on this. If he isn't then you've got your answer and you can start the process of moving on.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 14:49     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
To echo PP, I would not wait for counseling and would approach it as an organic conversation. Say you want to refocus on you as a couple and find things to do together or ways to spend time together. Ask what his goals are for your relationship and how he feels it could be improved.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 14:26     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Ok well, then ask him. But rephrase it: what can we do to make this marriage happier? I’m willing to genuinely work on it.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 14:25     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Dude open your damn mouth and communicate with your husband. Do you honestly think harboring all these feelings and keeping all these anxieties under lock and key is helping? Is it really your first instinct to jump online and ask the advice of total strangers when there's trouble in your marriage? Lawd have mercy y'all are nutcases.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 14:25     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
I hate to say it, OP, but if he's told you he is making plans to leave, the answer is no - he isn't happy with you or your marriage. I think your question needs to be, is he willing to try to work things out.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 14:24     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t he be happy?


I hesitate to give many details because I know he frequents this forum.

Which I know isn’t helpful when giving advice.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 14:22     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
Why wouldn’t he be happy?
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2019 14:20     Subject: Asking husband if he’s happy in marriage
I think my husband has checked out of our marriage. I’m not sure where to go from here.
He has made comments in the past that he was making plans to leave.

I’m trying to figure out how to best address his needs while understanding if he’s still emotionally invested in our marriage.

I’m to a point where I feel like I need to flat out ask if he is happy in our marriage and if he is happy with me.
The problem is that I cannot decide whether to navigate this question on my own or if I should wait and suggest couples counseling (again) and see if he’s willing to discuss it there.

We’ve been married for a long time so there’s a lot of history to include elements aged kids.

I love this man with every fiber of my being. But I don’t think he loves me anymore.