Anonymous
08/29/2019 10:20
Subject: 4 year old rude/angry at home?
Commiserating here. We've got lots of big emotions. And lately he's taken to just screaming. It's so hard to put up with the screaming! Our kids are 4 and 1 and the 4yo gets plenty of attention but still has angry spells. I just hope this phase will pass quickly!
Anonymous
08/29/2019 10:17
Subject: Re:4 year old rude/angry at home?
Also OP, I found the book Siblings without Rivalry to be enormously helpful. Give it a read if you can.
Anonymous
08/29/2019 10:16
Subject: Re:4 year old rude/angry at home?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think a few words of understanding would go a long way. Connect with hm. See him.
He’s definitely hurting!
I mean I try! The baby naps for 3-4 hours a day and we spend that time one on one. I give him so much love and affection. I listen to him. I honestly don’t know what else to do! (And for the record he isn’t that bad- he is still sunny 70% of the time I’d say, it’s just these outbursts , or occasionally whole days, that make me feel so bad) do you have any specific ideas? I will take any advice
PP who posted this. I think in the moment, try saying something that really connects with what he's feeling. My 4 year old right now gets like this sometimes. I look him in the eye and say: "You're really angry right now. You're feeling so frustrated. It's so hard that XYZ is happening." And usually he just crumbles. It's like, just naming the thing and him knowing that I understand is enough. After a good cry, we talk. I'll say something like: "The words you used to daddy were very hurtful. We're going to practice different ways of saying things that are less hurtful" and then we role play, which is usually kind of fun, because by then the strong emotions are over, and he's more receptive to listening.
Also, sometimes he's just a typical 4 year old and no connecting or whatever helps. He's tired, or hungry, or about to get sick, or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed!
Anonymous
08/29/2019 10:13
Subject: 4 year old rude/angry at home?
How many hours of preschool is he doing? He's probably releasing his pent-up frustration and exhaustion at home, where he feels comfortable and safe doing it. Be firm, and consistent.
Ask him about preschool, too. What does he like about it? What is difficult/frustrating about it? You might be surprised.
I was.
Ask him about preschool, too. What does he like about it? What is difficult/frustrating about it? You might be surprised.
I was.
Anonymous
08/29/2019 10:08
Subject: Re:4 year old rude/angry at home?
We're going through the same thing with our new 5-year old and it started when he was four. He was also an incredibly sweet easy child and now just seems to have some really angry/ rude spells.
I will say I think he is coming out of it and it is fewer and further between. I would suggest finding a consistent way to deal with the rudeness/ bad behavior and not let it be dismissed because you know the new baby is affecting it. I found 1-2-3 magic helped me.
Good luck! This too shall pass...
I will say I think he is coming out of it and it is fewer and further between. I would suggest finding a consistent way to deal with the rudeness/ bad behavior and not let it be dismissed because you know the new baby is affecting it. I found 1-2-3 magic helped me.
Good luck! This too shall pass...
Anonymous
08/29/2019 09:39
Subject: 4 year old rude/angry at home?
Mine was the same way! It's a phase.
Anonymous wrote:Not sure what I'm looking for- advice? Commiseration? My 4 year old boy has seemed to just have this simmering anger for the past few months. I had a baby 3.5 months ago and I am sure that's a big part of it- but my husband claims our son was like this sometimes before the baby, too, and thinks it's just the age. He used to be so sweet and docile (unless he was having a tantrum or something, obviously)- but now it's like, "should we walk to the playground?" and he will cross his arms and yell "NO!" and glare at me. Whereas I swear a few months ago he would have just said "no thanks".
I have tried SO HARD to give him the same amount of attention as I did before the baby came to the point where I feel like I ignore the baby too much! Sometimes he will ask me to do something and I'll say "sure just let me put these dishes in the dishwasher first" and he will kind of growl under his breath, annoyed, and then say "well, NEVERMIND", and then not want to do it anymore. Or same if I start to do whatever activity with him but I don't "do it right" (whatever that means on any given day). I don't know if he is just trying out what it feels like to say/act certain ways (this is what my husband thinks) or if he is actually really angry on the inside? And if he is really angry on the inside how can I help him?? Like I said, I give him as much attention as I can and he doesn't act like he dislikes or resents the baby at all (but he might not feel like it's okay for him to express that if he does I guess?)
For what it's worth his teachers at preschool say he doesn't do any of this with them, but I do hear him saying rude/angry things to his dad or grandfather sometimes too so it's not just towards me. (For example today he said to his grandfather in a rude tone "get out of my face!" and i was kind of horrified) He was even saying angry things towards his 8 year old cousin who he used to idolize and do ANYTHING she asked, but he was even rebuffing her invitations to play when we saw them a few weeks ago. I just wish I knew why. And yes, I've asked him many times if anything is making him sad or mad and he either says the immediate concern ("I'm mad because this isn't what I want for lunch") or he says no.
Anyways TLR, is this just the age despite it seeming so out of character for him or is there a way I can help him?
Anonymous
08/29/2019 08:37
Subject: 4 year old rude/angry at home?
Anonymous wrote:I diasagree with everyone saying to just ignore the rudeness/anger.
Four is old enough to understand about being polite. I would tell my kid that if he doesn’t want to play with someone he has to say “no thanks” screaming in someone’s face - especially his grandfather! I would give the appropriate words to express his feelings, but I would also let him know that this type of behavior is unacceptable. Do you really want him to grow up thinking that it’s okay to lash out at his family whenever he’s upset? Are you going to let it go as long as he has aplausible excuse?
Yes, obviously also schedule one-one time and try to have special time with him. That’s separate.
I don’t know where I gave the impression I let the rudeness go, but I correct it every. Single. Time.
Anonymous
08/29/2019 07:44
Subject: 4 year old rude/angry at home?
I diasagree with everyone saying to just ignore the rudeness/anger.
Four is old enough to understand about being polite. I would tell my kid that if he doesn’t want to play with someone he has to say “no thanks” screaming in someone’s face - especially his grandfather! I would give the appropriate words to express his feelings, but I would also let him know that this type of behavior is unacceptable. Do you really want him to grow up thinking that it’s okay to lash out at his family whenever he’s upset? Are you going to let it go as long as he has aplausible excuse?
Yes, obviously also schedule one-one time and try to have special time with him. That’s separate.
Four is old enough to understand about being polite. I would tell my kid that if he doesn’t want to play with someone he has to say “no thanks” screaming in someone’s face - especially his grandfather! I would give the appropriate words to express his feelings, but I would also let him know that this type of behavior is unacceptable. Do you really want him to grow up thinking that it’s okay to lash out at his family whenever he’s upset? Are you going to let it go as long as he has aplausible excuse?
Yes, obviously also schedule one-one time and try to have special time with him. That’s separate.
Anonymous
08/29/2019 07:29
Subject: Re:4 year old rude/angry at home?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think a few words of understanding would go a long way. Connect with hm. See him.
He’s definitely hurting!
I mean I try! The baby naps for 3-4 hours a day and we spend that time one on one. I give him so much love and affection. I listen to him. I honestly don’t know what else to do! (And for the record he isn’t that bad- he is still sunny 70% of the time I’d say, it’s just these outbursts , or occasionally whole days, that make me feel so bad) do you have any specific ideas? I will take any advice
It sounds to me like you are doing what you can do and he needs to adjust to the fact that there is a baby in the house. It is a huge change for everyone. You had some idea what to expect with a baby because you are an adult who has had a kid. Your son is a kid who had no clue what was coming. He is used to all of your attention and now he doesn't get all your attention. It doesn't matter to him that you give him undivided attention when the baby is napping because he doesn't get your attention when the baby is awake.
I remember my Nephews response to my Nieces birth. SIL was holding baby Niece. Nephew, three years older, was trying to get Moms attention. He even said "Please give Niece to Aunt and pay attention to me." Five minutes later there was a huge tantrum. My SIL was confused where this came from when it was totally obvious to me, probably because I was not sleep deprived and raising two kids at the time. I took the baby and let SIL go to Nephew. Nephew settled down in about 30 seconds.
Your sons world has been turned upside down. You are giving him the attention he needs, he just didn't have a say in this huge change in his life and he is not happy about it all the time.
Does he have some special "big boy" activities that only he can do or something he can do to help you take care of the baby, you know, because he is a big boy. Maybe find some books that you can read to him about being a big sibling, ones that acknowledge the cons but point out the pros.
Anonymous
08/29/2019 07:03
Subject: Re:4 year old rude/angry at home?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think a few words of understanding would go a long way. Connect with hm. See him.
He’s definitely hurting!
I mean I try! The baby naps for 3-4 hours a day and we spend that time one on one. I give him so much love and affection. I listen to him. I honestly don’t know what else to do! (And for the record he isn’t that bad- he is still sunny 70% of the time I’d say, it’s just these outbursts , or occasionally whole days, that make me feel so bad) do you have any specific ideas? I will take any advice
Mine is the same (i have a 4 yr old and. 2.5 month old). It's just the age. I know he loves the baby. I also male sure he gets a ton of attention.
Anonymous
08/28/2019 22:46
Subject: Re:4 year old rude/angry at home?
Anonymous wrote:I think a few words of understanding would go a long way. Connect with hm. See him.
He’s definitely hurting!
I mean I try! The baby naps for 3-4 hours a day and we spend that time one on one. I give him so much love and affection. I listen to him. I honestly don’t know what else to do! (And for the record he isn’t that bad- he is still sunny 70% of the time I’d say, it’s just these outbursts , or occasionally whole days, that make me feel so bad) do you have any specific ideas? I will take any advice
Anonymous
08/28/2019 22:41
Subject: Re:4 year old rude/angry at home?
I think a few words of understanding would go a long way. Connect with hm. See him.
He’s definitely hurting!
He’s definitely hurting!
Anonymous
08/28/2019 22:36
Subject: 4 year old rude/angry at home?
Anonymous wrote:Be patient and ride it out. My 4 yr old was the same. YOu are safe so he will act up with you (and his dad/grandparents). at school, he needs to hold it in all day. It's a lot for a little one!
Thank you. Its just a different from the sunny little boy he used to be! My mom said unhelpfully how he was “such a different child since the baby came”. I’m like great, thanks.
Also I’m sure I’m romanticizing some of it- he was bad sometimes before, and he is sunny sometimes now, I just wish I could help him navigate his big feelings , changes, etc better
Anonymous
08/28/2019 22:11
Subject: 4 year old rude/angry at home?
Be patient and ride it out. My 4 yr old was the same. YOu are safe so he will act up with you (and his dad/grandparents). at school, he needs to hold it in all day. It's a lot for a little one!
Anonymous
08/28/2019 22:08
Subject: 4 year old rude/angry at home?
Not sure what I'm looking for- advice? Commiseration? My 4 year old boy has seemed to just have this simmering anger for the past few months. I had a baby 3.5 months ago and I am sure that's a big part of it- but my husband claims our son was like this sometimes before the baby, too, and thinks it's just the age. He used to be so sweet and docile (unless he was having a tantrum or something, obviously)- but now it's like, "should we walk to the playground?" and he will cross his arms and yell "NO!" and glare at me. Whereas I swear a few months ago he would have just said "no thanks".
I have tried SO HARD to give him the same amount of attention as I did before the baby came to the point where I feel like I ignore the baby too much! Sometimes he will ask me to do something and I'll say "sure just let me put these dishes in the dishwasher first" and he will kind of growl under his breath, annoyed, and then say "well, NEVERMIND", and then not want to do it anymore. Or same if I start to do whatever activity with him but I don't "do it right" (whatever that means on any given day). I don't know if he is just trying out what it feels like to say/act certain ways (this is what my husband thinks) or if he is actually really angry on the inside? And if he is really angry on the inside how can I help him?? Like I said, I give him as much attention as I can and he doesn't act like he dislikes or resents the baby at all (but he might not feel like it's okay for him to express that if he does I guess?)
For what it's worth his teachers at preschool say he doesn't do any of this with them, but I do hear him saying rude/angry things to his dad or grandfather sometimes too so it's not just towards me. (For example today he said to his grandfather in a rude tone "get out of my face!" and i was kind of horrified) He was even saying angry things towards his 8 year old cousin who he used to idolize and do ANYTHING she asked, but he was even rebuffing her invitations to play when we saw them a few weeks ago. I just wish I knew why. And yes, I've asked him many times if anything is making him sad or mad and he either says the immediate concern ("I'm mad because this isn't what I want for lunch") or he says no.
Anyways TLR, is this just the age despite it seeming so out of character for him or is there a way I can help him?
I have tried SO HARD to give him the same amount of attention as I did before the baby came to the point where I feel like I ignore the baby too much! Sometimes he will ask me to do something and I'll say "sure just let me put these dishes in the dishwasher first" and he will kind of growl under his breath, annoyed, and then say "well, NEVERMIND", and then not want to do it anymore. Or same if I start to do whatever activity with him but I don't "do it right" (whatever that means on any given day). I don't know if he is just trying out what it feels like to say/act certain ways (this is what my husband thinks) or if he is actually really angry on the inside? And if he is really angry on the inside how can I help him?? Like I said, I give him as much attention as I can and he doesn't act like he dislikes or resents the baby at all (but he might not feel like it's okay for him to express that if he does I guess?)
For what it's worth his teachers at preschool say he doesn't do any of this with them, but I do hear him saying rude/angry things to his dad or grandfather sometimes too so it's not just towards me. (For example today he said to his grandfather in a rude tone "get out of my face!" and i was kind of horrified) He was even saying angry things towards his 8 year old cousin who he used to idolize and do ANYTHING she asked, but he was even rebuffing her invitations to play when we saw them a few weeks ago. I just wish I knew why. And yes, I've asked him many times if anything is making him sad or mad and he either says the immediate concern ("I'm mad because this isn't what I want for lunch") or he says no.
Anyways TL
R, is this just the age despite it seeming so out of character for him or is there a way I can help him?