I've really only seen these flexible situations work when
the ex moves within walking and biking distance and
the kids bike and walk down at will.

No. This is ridiculous. He needs to agree to a schedule in advance and pick the boys up when he is supposed to. He doesn’t get to just leave you all twisting in the wind fluxing around his needs and desires. He sounds selfish. No wonder you are divorced.

Anonymous wrote:You need a schedule to stick by. Both for you and your kids. Your kids need to know that Wednesdays between 6:30-8:30 they will see Dad or whatever. Stop catering to his gym schedule and partying antics. Tell him to come up with a schedule. One week night and every other weekend or whatever. Come up with a schedule and stick with it.

+1

I'm so sorry, OP.

I would sit the boys down and explain what it's like to be the parent in charge and what it's like to have the mental burden of scheduling appointments, managing pick-up/drop-off, thinking about meals and laundry and clean-up all the time, for three people. That you are the real parent right now, and that all you want is a little respect of your time and effort. You are perfectly happy for your children to have fun with their father. Reiterate that multiple times. But you don't want to feel like the maid, and to have last-minute demands on your time. It makes you feel disrespected and less important than the others, which is not fair and not acceptable.

So you need to tell your boys to respect you, and to never expect fun time off when it hasn't been scheduled already. They can ask, you can say yes if it works for you, but if it doesn't, they have to accept it and move on.

I am not divorced but my husband has severe ADHD he refuses to treat and often acts like a selfish bachelor. I have explained the outline above many times to my children since they were little. They know who the real parent is in this family, and they have a lot more trust and respect for me than for him.

If you've shielded your boys from all the conflict, and they are attracted by shiny new things, it might take them a while, but at some point they'll understand all this.

So I assume you have no formal situation on paper because he is still supporting you completely and it wouldn’t be advantageous to you to have a split custody situation? I’m not quite understanding. Either you have a schedule and everything that comes along with it (reduced support) or you just continue in this limbo.

You need a schedule to stick by. Both for you and your kids. Your kids need to know that Wednesdays between 6:30-8:30 they will see Dad or whatever. Stop catering to his gym schedule and partying antics. Tell him to come up with a schedule. One week night and every other weekend or whatever. Come up with a schedule and stick with it.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not entirely clear what the situation is. Do you guys have agreed upon days and or nights where he is supposed to take the kids? If so, does he take them those assigned times? He needs to be doing that. If so, are you saying he then also sometimes wants them extra days? If so, it’s up to you if you want to say yes. I probably would unless you have something planned, but you should not be the one driving them to and fro. Their dad should do that.

And it is NOT ok if he is not taking them on the days he is assigned to take them. You and the boys deserve that certainty - the boys for stability and so they don’t feel rejected by cancellations. And you deserve it so you can make plans to go out on dates and with friends. I hope you got a good divorce settlement. Sounds like you deserve it.

We don't have a set schedule as his job hours can be variable. He will text the boys to say he will pick them up at 6:00 tomorrow after work. Then the next day at 5:30 he will text them to say he is going to be a bit late as he is going to the gym so he will be there about 7:00 or 7:30. He will then pick them up and most days he leaves the house early so he either drops them back off here at 7:00am or he leaves them to her themselves ready and off to school.

The weekends are more he has them any weekend he isn't working but when he will actually pick them up or drop then off varies.

I have a similar situation in that ex takes the kid whenever it is convenient. I don’t schedule anything regular on weekends. When we do have stuff to do (dr visits or bday parties and such), I tell him so (we agreed he runs the times by me first).
Yes it is not fair that I do all the parenting but he pays up and he would screw up anyway.

OP,

I am in a very similar situation and just wanted to encourage you to stay strong and try to make peace with the situation. I've had to accept my situation for what it is--and like another PP said, try to remind my kids about planning ahead (if they know they have a project due in two days and they are going to their dad's tomorrow night, they need to get the project finished tonight because it just won't get done tomorrow at dad's house (always keeping in mind that dad may or may not bail at the last minute). My kids are 11 and 14; my daughter is able to pace herself with school assignments but my son has ADHD with executive functioning issues, and it has been a challenge for him. At times, I literally felt like I was going crazy because my ex would demand the kids spend time with him (which my kids enjoyed when it happened--unlimited shopping trips! expensive dinners! full time housekeeper to do laundry and dishes!) but other times he would cancel at the last minute, which not only disrupted my schedule but also left the kids not knowing what was going on. I was constantly on edge and became very resentful of my ex--especially his lack of actual parenting yet he was the one getting to do all the fun stuff. As I am shlepping my kids to alllllll their sports practices, games, birthday parties, friends houses, etc., I start to get angry at the situation and begin feeling sorry for myself, but then remember to take a step back and remind myself that it is a CHOICE for my kids to participate in those activities. Once I begun to focus on how the benefits of my kids participating in those activities far outweighed the extra stress I was absorbing, I was able to 'let it go,' and practice being more mindful and grounded.

I have also learned that after a night of staying with their dad, my kids would need a mini detox and gentle reminder of how we do things at our house (they rotate chores, do their own laundry, finish homework, etc.). I am not a strict parent by nature, but have had to be the one who sets the boundaries and enforces the rules by default.

We are five years out from our divorce, and my ex hasn't really changed...things have seemingly continued to work out great for him (very wealthy, lots of girlfriends, multiple cars, brand new everything, still very active in his chosen sports, etc.) but I know he isn't happy and regrets some of the decisions he made. I am still actively working on making peace with the situation.

No real advice to offer, other than to consider the possibility that your ex may never change and the sooner you can make peace with your situation, the better for your well being. Also wanted to comment that you are not alone with what you are going through...I often felt isolated because my friends and family didn't have any idea of how frustrating and mentally draining it was/still is to constantly deal with someone like that. I was a SAHM while i was married and am not a particularly high income earner (and dealing with my ex paying CS late or skipping a month) but ultimately I had to accept and embrace the mottos "Either do something about changing the situation or stop complaining about it!" and "if you can't change the situation, work on changing your reaction to it."

Best of luck and sending you lots of positive thoughts and energy!

He lost his kids and family. He will realize it but it will be too late. He may think he's living the high life but soon enough he'll realize most people are just using him and either he will care or not. Move on and find someone who loves you and find happiness without him.

I’m not entirely clear what the situation is. Do you guys have agreed upon days and or nights where he is supposed to take the kids? If so, does he take them those assigned times? He needs to be doing that. If so, are you saying he then also sometimes wants them extra days? If so, it’s up to you if you want to say yes. I probably would unless you have something planned, but you should not be the one driving them to and fro. Their dad should do that.

And it is NOT ok if he is not taking them on the days he is assigned to take them. You and the boys deserve that certainty - the boys for stability and so they don’t feel rejected by cancellations. And you deserve it so you can make plans to go out on dates and with friends. I hope you got a good divorce settlement. Sounds like you deserve it.

Op here. I think I am starting to realize this was always him. He had never grown up. He just blended into the family and his immaturity wasn't as tampered down. One of his complaints (after he cheated) was that our lives were too organized and scheduled and didn't have enough fun, and that I gave up our mutually shared sport. On top of his 60 hour work week, he spent 10-15 hours a week training for his sports and doing hobbies away from home. He was rarely home and so it is strange the kids care so much about seeing him now that he isn't living here. They barely saw him when he did live here.

He is acting like a total fool. I am so embarrassed around mutual friends. He is a good looking guy, very fit, wealthy and will have no problem finding lots of young women to drool over him. When I met him we were both athletes who shared a love of a sport. I haven't done the sport for more than a decade since I was home raising the kids while he was out training.

I quit my job about 3 years ago because the kids got so busy with extracurriculars and competitive sports that I never saw them. He literally has the best of every world right now. Living the high life, sees his kids when he wants, having the time of his life, has no real family responsibilities other than financial.

He's not going to grow up, but your kids can grow up.

"Spending the night at dad's is fine, but remember we have plans this weekend and you need to be on time to school tomorrow."

Hold them accountable for THEIR decisions, not their dads. Tell them when you're available to drive them to sports and events, and then if you have other plans you have other plans. They'll get it at some point. They can also talk to friends about carpooling, ride metro (they're old enough) and get themselves places.

Sadly, he's not going to grow up. Either you go with being the parent and he visits when he wants or you do a set schedule. I would talk to him about him needing to step up but if he hasn't figure it out yet, he probably will not. As long as he has lots of money, he'll always find some woman with her hand out to take it. The women don't want him, they want his money.

Two boys who are 12 and 14. Ex (almost 50) had a mid life crisis and had a one night stand with a 25 year old. Ex moved out. Ex has a high powered job, long hours, and lots of money. Ex is living in a decked out bachelor pad and is pretending to be 25 himself.

Ex basically wants the kids whenever it is convenient and then to drop them off whenever it isn't. On one hand I want to put a more structured plan in place but the kids just want to see him whenever they can. They are old enough that they need real answers and they want to go with dad whenever he wants them. If he wants them, they don't want me to say it is my time and they can't go. They are with me a lot more than him so there is no concept of 'my time' to them. This leaves me running around on his schedule and still doing 99% of the actual parenting as he appears to have lost all sense of reality right now and is ultra fun guy.

They are at a hard age where they want to be with their dad and especially since he is buying them all kinds of stuff and they stay up until midnight having nerf fights and playing video games. I keep thinking this will wear off and he will return to adulthood or the kids will realize he has lost it and that he actually isn't their cool older brother but we are almost a year into this and so far that hasn't happened.