When things are bad but you think you love the person/relationship, that’s codependence. More than couples counseling, you need individual therapy. Find out what drew you into this relationship. Find out what your sources of self esteem are.

Meanwhile, even if you are committed to working on it, get some healthy distance. Make sure you’re seeing friends (not couples). Pursue your hobbies (or take up new ones). Do healthy things to take care of yourself, like exercise, meditation, and relaxing pursuits.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am staying at a hotel for a few days after a particularly bad fight. However, it only made me realize I miss my husband and want to go back to before we fell into this toxic cycle. He said he misses me too and wants me back.

HI Drama Queen!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am staying at a hotel for a few days after a particularly bad fight. However, it only made me realize I miss my husband and want to go back to before we fell into this toxic cycle. He said he misses me too and wants me back.

Are you the OP who found the naked pics on DH’s phone? And/or the OP who wants your DH to step things up now that you’re married, earn more, etc...and he screams, you sob, etc.?

The cycle of tension, incident, reconciliation is the classic cycle of abuse - whether it’s emotional or physical.

You haven’t included enough facts to evaluate whether you are perpetrator or victim or both. In any case, see a psychologist experienced in domestic violence, together with the counselor evaluate yourself and your relationship. Drop the rope for a bit and walk away from fights until you have better supports in place.

Apathy = absence of love. At least you are passionate about each other. Only a deep connection could inspire that type of fight.

You need to look at what is triggering these fights. If it's something minor you can change (calling when you are going to be late), prioritize it. If it's something stupid: You expect him to check in every hour, then realize this stuff is insignificant in the big picture and let it go.

I was once given this advice: don't sweat the small stuff, sweetheart. Likely politically incorrect in today's climate but great advice. Live by it. Pick your battles. Make sure they are worth it. Never go to sleep angry.

That lesson was brought to you by Cliche of the Day.

Anonymous wrote:If there are not children, move out for 6 months to a year while you do counseling... individual and couples.

I suspect "bad fight" means violence or threat of violence.

You have to remove yourself from the situation. You can love somebody but find out they are not safe to live with.

No violence but husband lost his temper and screamed at me.

Have you posted before OP, about your DH drinking and coming in late, etc.?

I would do a 90-day separation with counseling required weekly for both of you together, and individually. Make a plan that will be an investment for both of you, and your relationship, whether the marriage works out long term or not.

If you have tried therapy before, then it’s time to give up. If you haven’t. I would try that for 3 months.

Oh, wait.. you don't have kids? Divorce, move on. This is dumb.

If there are not children, move out for 6 months to a year while you do counseling... individual and couples.

I suspect "bad fight" means violence or threat of violence.

You have to remove yourself from the situation. You can love somebody but find out they are not safe to live with.

Op here. I am staying at a hotel for a few days after a particularly bad fight. However, it only made me realize I miss my husband and want to go back to before we fell into this toxic cycle. He said he misses me too and wants me back.

Stop fighting. Look at your own behavior really critically and break the cycle. Be kind. You can't change your spouse. But you can change your behavior. Do it.

Therapy. Really that's the only answer.

Counseling. ASAP. Before the love and connection are killed by whatever is causing the conflict. Clearly you aren't able to resolve it on their own.

Over the past year DH and I have fallen into a viscous toxic cycle of fights that escalate and various types of boundary-crossing.

When all is said and done, we do live each other very much and are still invested. Neither of us wants a divorce.

What is the best way forward?