Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That just means you are a good parent.

No, it doesn't. I know plenty of good parents whose entire identity isn't wrapped around their kids. I know suffocating moms who do damage to their kids because their entire identity is their children.

I suspect you think you are one of them?

I know I am. I suspect you think that having your entire identity wrapped up in your kids makes you a good mom? I guess I just don't understand this. Don't you have any hobbies or interests outside of your kids? Don't you do anything without your kids in tow?

There is a healthy balance between "my identity isn't my kids" and "my identity is my kids". Obviously you don't neglect your kids for the sake of your own hobbies. But you also have to be someone other than mom.

Maybe you should check on your kids rather than wasting time here. You know, little ones?

I think it's totally acceptable. Clearly you do have a life outside kids if you work. There are only so many hours in a day and you focus on your kids when you are not at work. When all your kids are away, you might have time for more hobbies. I don't regret any time I have spent with my kids. At some point soon, they'll be on their own. I'll find a hiking group at that point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That just means you are a good parent.

No, it doesn't. I know plenty of good parents whose entire identity isn't wrapped around their kids. I know suffocating moms who do damage to their kids because their entire identity is their children.

I suspect you think you are one of them?

I know I am. I suspect you think that having your entire identity wrapped up in your kids makes you a good mom? I guess I just don't understand this. Don't you have any hobbies or interests outside of your kids? Don't you do anything without your kids in tow?

There is a healthy balance between "my identity isn't my kids" and "my identity is my kids". Obviously you don't neglect your kids for the sake of your own hobbies. But you also have to be someone other than mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That just means you are a good parent.

No, it doesn't. I know plenty of good parents whose entire identity isn't wrapped around their kids. I know suffocating moms who do damage to their kids because their entire identity is their children.

I suspect you think you are one of them?

Anonymous wrote:That just means you are a good parent.

No, it doesn't. I know plenty of good parents whose entire identity isn't wrapped around their kids. I know suffocating moms who do damage to their kids because their entire identity is their children.

That just means you are a good parent.

You may be like my sister. Wonderful person but since her kids were born her entire life was about them. That's all she talked about and any interests always tied back to something to do with the kids. Her husband was similar when they were little, but as they got older he realized the importance of having his own life. So he got his own interests and became a much more fun person. My sister kind of double downed when her oldest went to college. Her poor husband thought it meant they could do more things has a couple, but she just overly invested in the younger child. Well, 3 years later that kid got his license and wasn't as interested in mom. Husband thought...oh good. We can go back to having couple time, etc. Nope, sister just got involved in her son's activities in other ways. He went to college across.the country to get away from her. Her daughter had moved closer but very much had her own life and was pretty private about involving her mom in it.

She fell into a depression. Her husband had given up trying to make them work as a couple. She finally got therapy but it was too late. The marriage was over and she had to learn to be her own person when she was 55. They are still married. Seem a tiny bit happier.

Obviously this is a worst case scenario. But it's dangerous to have no identity outside of your kids. They eventually grow up and don't need you as much. And then who are you?

I do think it's sad. When you get together with friends, do you only talk about your kids? Sounds like your kids are older. You need to get some independence from them before you become that horrific mom who makes their kids feel guilty for getting their own independence. Kids grow up and have lives that don't revolve around you. That's healthy. Your entire life should not revolve around them.

It's not unacceptable, but they would have asked about your kids if they were interested in them.

Get some hobbies and work on yourself.

Anonymous wrote:This is very common. You’re either like this or you’re not. I have little interest talking about my kids.

Not true. I talk about my kids to people that want to hear about them. But I have a life and interests outside of them.

This is very common. You’re either like this or you’re not. I have little interest talking about my kids.

Talk about yourself until someone says "And how are the kids?" and then shift.

How old is the youngest? What will you do when he no longer needs you to drive him around. Or when he'd rather hang out with his friends vs you.

It's.just unhealthy to have no interests or hobbies outside of your kids. They aren't going to need you 100% for forever (unless you're one of those super unhealthy people who guilts them into it). What were your interests before kids? Do you work out? Enjoy cooking?

When you're having a conversation with someone, try to minimize bringing up your kids. "Yup Jane's doing well at college. Jake is having a great time on his travel team". And then dont bring them up again. See where the conversation takes you. You may be surprised that you've had some interests in things but haven't taken any time to explore them. My friend did this recently and realized how much she enjoyed gif recipes. Now's she's found a new hobby of cooking and she actually has a small blog! It's great because her daughter is about to get her full license, so my friend knows she won't be needed as much.

You have 1 kid in college already. What happens when your second kid goes to college?

How is your relationship with your spouse. Do you have any interests outside of your kids?

It's not that I don't think it's unacceptable...but I don't think it's healthy to have no identity except for "mom"

When I see people and they ask what’s new, I tend to talk about my children. Oh “Larlo’s still in travel ball so busy with that” or “Larlie’s a college freshman” etc. One of my coworkers told me today that I never talk about myself when people ask me this, only my kids. I do it because I work full time and my kids pretty much are my life outside of that. Sad? So is that not an acceptable response and I need to focus more on myself?