Anonymous wrote:Been there, including the counseling. Honestly, in 20/20 hindsight, kids do best with a minimum of rules, the important ones only (safety, homework before playtime, please and thank you) and leave the rest to inspiration and examples you set. I obsessed about limiting screen time, eating healthy, and DH obsessed about cleanliness and behavior. Kids were nervous wrecks and still are as young adults. My advice: chill out and enjoy life, that's the best thing you can do for your kids.

OP here. Thanks. I definitely have had to relax my ideas about how things should be, in a lot of ways. For example, kids are up until 930, sometimes 10...that's something I never thought I would be able to adjust to, but I did. Also, one of our kids will not eat a single vegetable. Not a single one. I'm trying not to worry about that, either. But sometimes the signals I get from others show me that these things are problems. For example, our pediatrician was very concerned when I had to explain that one of our kids refuses to eat vegetables. And when we visit grandparents, I can tell that they're shocked when the kids are still up at 930, 10.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at the entire post. My DH is the same way. I think this is really typical of a lot of marriages. You don’t need to go to counseling OP. This is just the way it is, it’s not going to change.

It's a problem if OP dislikes or cannot respect her DH.

I don't see their parenting differences as huge problems. But her dislike of him is.

OP here. I take issue with what you wrote. I love my husband. He's a loving and good-natured soul. But I am not happy that we are on different pages in terms of parenting.

I see no respect for him in your posts.

Consider that.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you set the rules and expect hi to enforce them.

It would be better if you worked together to find a set of rules that both parent feel is reasonable. You will both have to give to make that work. You might have to accept more soda or screen time than you would if you were a single parent. He will have to accept less screen time and less soda than if he was a single parent.

He should never feel he has to turn off the TV when you walk in. That kind of policing just causes resentment to build. Neither of you should be undermining the other. If you come home and the TV is on or kid has a soda, there shouldn't be any reaction and if you get asked and say no, he should back that up. Right now you are working against each other.

You need to see his easy going nature as a positive, as a balance to your personality. An equal partner isn't someone who does things your way.

OP here. Thank you, I agree with what you've said. I agree that I need to compromise on some rules and elements, and I think I do. Our kids have way more screen time than I am comfortable with (about 3-4 hrs/day in the summertime), and I feel like that's been a huge compromise way outside of my comfort zone on my end.

I agree that I need to remind myself that his easygoing nature is often a good thing for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol at the entire post. My DH is the same way. I think this is really typical of a lot of marriages. You don’t need to go to counseling OP. This is just the way it is, it’s not going to change.

It's a problem if OP dislikes or cannot respect her DH.

I don't see their parenting differences as huge problems. But her dislike of him is.

OP here. I take issue with what you wrote. I love my husband. He's a loving and good-natured soul. But I am not happy that we are on different pages in terms of parenting.

It sounds like you set the rules and expect hi to enforce them.

It would be better if you worked together to find a set of rules that both parent feel is reasonable. You will both have to give to make that work. You might have to accept more soda or screen time than you would if you were a single parent. He will have to accept less screen time and less soda than if he was a single parent.

He should never feel he has to turn off the TV when you walk in. That kind of policing just causes resentment to build. Neither of you should be undermining the other. If you come home and the TV is on or kid has a soda, there shouldn't be any reaction and if you get asked and say no, he should back that up. Right now you are working against each other.

You need to see his easy going nature as a positive, as a balance to your personality. An equal partner isn't someone who does things your way.

Anonymous wrote:All I see in your posts is that you're right and he's wrong.

What is his side, OP?

OP here. I'm not sure how to answer that question, but I think generally he would say that most things/issues that matter to me (e.g., intervening in fights, too much screen time, etc.) aren't a big deal.

Like I said, he's a good-natured person, and a loving dad. But I do think that there's more to parenting than that, and the fact that I am always the bad guy and he is always the fun guy is not working for me. We've had this discussion endlessly, and he always says "okay," that he'll do certain things, but then he just doesn't.

Anonymous wrote:Lol at the entire post. My DH is the same way. I think this is really typical of a lot of marriages. You don’t need to go to counseling OP. This is just the way it is, it’s not going to change.

It's a problem if OP dislikes or cannot respect her DH.

I don't see their parenting differences as huge problems. But her dislike of him is.

Been there, including the counseling. Honestly, in 20/20 hindsight, kids do best with a minimum of rules, the important ones only (safety, homework before playtime, please and thank you) and leave the rest to inspiration and examples you set. I obsessed about limiting screen time, eating healthy, and DH obsessed about cleanliness and behavior. Kids were nervous wrecks and still are as young adults. My advice: chill out and enjoy life, that's the best thing you can do for your kids.

Lol at the entire post. My DH is the same way. I think this is really typical of a lot of marriages. You don’t need to go to counseling OP. This is just the way it is, it’s not going to change.

All I see in your posts is that you're right and he's wrong.

What is his side, OP?

Anonymous wrote:You allowing some soda is an issue.

You need to talk to your husband and find a good compromise.

OP here. Do you mean that it's an issue that I don't allow soda more frequently, or it's an issue that I allow it at all? I think it's fine for them to have soda maybe a few times a month (e.g., at a restaurant, party, etc.), but I don't want to keep soda in the house. And I think that's a reasonable compromise...at least, my pediatrician agreed with that approach.

As for counseling...we have done that maybe 3 or 4 separate times for spurts of various lengths over the years. Sessions went well, with the counselor offering helpful direction/opinions, but it felt like things would maybe improve for a little while, but always return to how they were. Fo example, DH wouldn't intervene when they kids would fight, even when it would get physical, because he thought that they should "fight their own battles." I disagreed, and the counselor did as well, and she explained why. He did better at intervening for a while, but eventually went back to not intervening. I don't know, it just felt like the counseling didn't really result in much improvement, and it was also quite expensive and DH had trouble finding time to leave work each week for appointments...so we always eventually dropped the counseling.

You allowing some soda is an issue.

You need to talk to your husband and find a good compromise.

Anonymous wrote:You need to go to counseling to get on the same page. This isn't sustainable.

+1

OP, you think that your parenting style is right and so does your DH.

It's possible for children to follow different rules for my mom and dad but the parents should respect each other and you don't respect your DH.

Counseling is in order.

You need to go to counseling to get on the same page. This isn't sustainable.

DH is super laid back. Rarely does the dirty work, rarely enforces rules. Kids are 8 and 10. Examples: will allow them to have soda, even though I am against it (except on rare occasions); doesn't enforce a reasonable bedtime; doesn't do anything to limit screen time (this is one of my biggest issues with him); doesn't break up fights or step in with a comment or some type of reaction when the kids say mean things to each other in the midst of an argument or disagreement. I try really hard not to be resentful, but I can feel it building. The kids call him "Mr Fun," and sometimes they will even say things like, "When is daddy coming home? Because he'll let us do/have X." And sometimes he'll enforce things in a way that makes me the bad guy (for example, turning off the TV when he hears my car pull into the driveway and saying something to the kids like "mom's home, so we have to turn this off now." Or, saying something like "mom says no soda," so that the kids get the message that it isn't him who is saying no, it's me). I can't count the number of times I've raised this overarching issue with him, but nothing ever changes. We have gone through periods of counseling a few separate times over the years, but that also didn't seem to help us. I just feel like we're too different, and it worries me because I just end up feeling resentful and alone when it comes to many aspects of parenting, and I'm worried about the resentment I'm feeling. I should also mention that he is a very good-natured and happy person, which is great...except for when shit has to get done. Anyone else in this situation?