What kind of field/cultural background are you from that you know so many people like this? I don't know any.

21 is gen z; stop blaming everything on millennials.

My younger brother is like this.
My parents are so not like “that.” All other siblings were practically pushed out. They call and visit, but nothing like other parents who expect/make weekly calls. We could go months and not talk and be fine. And they absolutely do not love him more..he stresses them out.

They’re afraid of him. They’re afraid what he will become without them. I don’t know exactly what they’re afraid of happening, but possibly homelessness or devastating crime. Against others or themselves.

It is structural, but individual in that the structure isn’t making clear what paths there are for people who aren’t in the norm. He is an odd person. Lack of proper social/physical progression exacerbated it. It gets worse and worse and will likely never get on a normal track.

Nothing motivates a young, able bodied unemployed man more than hunger. No one changes when they’re comfortable. You put an end to this crap by giving them a hard six month deadline to get a job and start paying rent or they get kicked out.

Grown children living in their mother's basement is nothing new.

Happened in the 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s. Tell your friends that your sons are just going to wait them out and they'll never leave - so get used to it.

The feminization of our culture in which men have no value
Bring back the draft and make men enter the
Military to learn how to become responsible human beings.

I do have a few teacher friends (I'm also a teacher) who fit in this category. I had noticed it last year. Several teacher friends have young adult children who never went to college. The moms didn't feel they would benefit, kids didn't have intellectual drive and parents didn't want to spend the money on college. I remarked on it because the parents were in the education field and it seemed odd to me that they wouldn't push their kids to go to some kind of higher education.

Thinking back, these kids all are boys. They live at home, work low level jobs at fast food places or restaurants. Some of them drive but most don't. I was telling one friend she really should be charing her son market rent for sharing a room in a house, but she doesn't want to take away his motivation for working (being able to spend more money I guess on things he likes.) . These kids all did OK in school -- not great but they certainly have the ability to go to college or work harder, just aren't motivated.

I know several people like this to a lesser degree - like, the sons drive but don't have their own cars so they take mom's. I don't know what the root of it is but I do recognize it's an issue, and it does appear to be gendered.

OTOH, I know many grandparents with their young adult daughters and her kid/kids living in their home, where the grandparents have to put in a lot of work watching kids and financially supporting that family unit. That's also gendered, although in my experience the daughters are always working or going to school or both.

Anonymous wrote:Oh there are definitely daughters like this. They just go out and party and get free drinks. They don't spend their time playing video games. Neither is productive.

It's just your sexist view of things. An unproductive unemployed 21 year old women that goes out partying and drinking and dating guys can get married and stay at home with the kids. An unproductive unemployed 21 year old man can't go out and get free drinks and most women don't want him so he plays video games. I would assume he will get a job eventually when he "grows up" but you're comparing apples to oranges here. Unemployed men and unemployed women have fundamentally different lives.

DP. That's possible but statistically unlikely. He probably won't.

In Japan, they are called hikikomori. We have them here, too.

The number of able-bodied unemployed adult men in this country is shocking. And I see it as more of a structural problem than individual.

Oh there are definitely daughters like this. They just go out and party and get free drinks. They don't spend their time playing video games. Neither is productive.

It's just your sexist view of things. An unproductive unemployed 21 year old women that goes out partying and drinking and dating guys can get married and stay at home with the kids. An unproductive unemployed 21 year old man can't go out and get free drinks and most women don't want him so he plays video games. I would assume he will get a job eventually when he "grows up" but you're comparing apples to oranges here. Unemployed men and unemployed women have fundamentally different lives.

Agree with pp, enslaved is the wrong choice of word.

With that said, I've heard of this kind of arrangement but I don't know a single person like this. How weird that you know so many.

"Enslaved" means FORCED.

The words you are looking for:
Enabler
Doormat
Martyr

I literally don't know a single person in this situation. I know a few who have adult children living at home for various reasons, but they have jobs or are in school.

Just wondering if any other women in my age group (40s) have observed this among their peers. I work with a number of doting mothers who have millennial aged sons with various undiagnosed "problems". The young men live at home and seem to be incapable of fending for themselves. All are avid gamers, none work, none can drive, mother does everything for them. It was just today when I was having lunch with a colleague and she told me how tired she was because little (21 year old) Johnny's gaming session at a friend's house didn't end until 2am and she had to pick him up that I realised how many women I know are in this exact same situation with their sons. None of them complain really, they speak with concern about the anxiety or whatever else could possibly be wrong with their boys, and they are always so worried about causing the poor things stress, they can't push them to change, what if it makes them worse? I will emphasise here, it does not sound like there is anything so terribly wrong with these young men that they need to sit at home all the time and be waited on, all completed normal schooling then just didn't do anything with their lives.

So just in my work circle alone I count 5 women with these useless man children (one of them has 2), but I am yet to meet a woman who is held hostage by a daughter. What are your experiences? What the hell is going on?