A good mother is one who puts her child’s needs above her own. And a child’s needs above her “wants”.

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. I’m beating myself up over an incident last night and trying to determine if I was a good mom or not. If not, what to change. Larla, 6yo, bedtime after a few atypical prebed activities (making brownies, up a tad late, brush teeth again after allowed small bite to try). Laying in bed. Won’t stop talking playing. Larla, it is bedtime quiet. Not listening. Offer strike 1-2-3. Lose iPad for tech time (1 hour)tomorrow. Continue bad bedtime behavior (can I talk to dad, will you lag with me again, loud and keeping 4yo sister up). Larla, closing the door to your room if you can’t be quiet. Strike 1-2-3 chances, close bedroom door. She loses her everloving mind. “That was my worst nightmare, screaming, you are my mother you are supposed to be nice to me.” My heart is racing st this point. I go downstairs. Still screaming. Poor tired 4 yo. Long story short. I tell her to lay down quietly and I will come in. I feel bad. She is hyperventilating. I rub her back, promise to not shut door as punishment again, calm her. She falls asleep.

Holy moly. Does she need help? Is this normal?. Did I mess up in how it was handled? She is a challenge on occassion.

Closing the bedroom door hardly makes you a bad mom! It was a natural consequence of her behavior (being noisy and keeping sibling awake), and probably actually more appropriate than taking away tech the following day, when the nighttime drama would be all but forgotten. Especially with young kids, immediate consequences closely aligned to the behavior itself are a lot more likely to get results in the long run, because they can make the connections more easily.

You can't be quiet and not disturb everyone else? We have to close your door so the rest of the family can sleep. You told her what would happen, and she tested you to see if you meant it. You did mean it, you followed through, and she didn't like it. Next time, she might test you again, so you have to follow through again. Eventually, she'll know you mean business, and she'll settle down when you explain that you'll need to close the door if she can't be quiet.

It's absolutely normal, you did absolutely fine, and you'll both work through it. Stick with your established rules and consequences, and follow through calmly and neutrally every time, but just know that sometimes when they're tired and out of routine, they just don't have a lot of control over themselves. It's up to you to help them eventually develop it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. I’m beating myself up over an incident last night and trying to determine if I was a good mom or not. If not, what to change. Larla, 6yo, bedtime after a few atypical prebed activities (making brownies, up a tad late, brush teeth again after allowed small bite to try). Laying in bed. Won’t stop talking playing. Larla, it is bedtime quiet. Not listening. Offer strike 1-2-3. Lose iPad for tech time (1 hour)tomorrow. Continue bad bedtime behavior (can I talk to dad, will you lag with me again, loud and keeping 4yo sister up). Larla, closing the door to your room if you can’t be quiet. Strike 1-2-3 chances, close bedroom door. She loses her everloving mind. “That was my worst nightmare, screaming, you are my mother you are supposed to be nice to me.” My heart is racing st this point. I go downstairs. Still screaming. Poor tired 4 yo. Long story short. I tell her to lay down quietly and I will come in. I feel bad. She is hyperventilating. I rub her back, promise to not shut door as punishment again, calm her. She falls asleep.

Holy moly. Does she need help? Is this normal?. Did I mess up in how it was handled? She is a challenge on occassion.

No, she doesn’t “need help.” It was a bad evening, mistakes were made and you escalated things for sure, but it happens to everyone sometimes-truly.

One, the removing Ipad punishment doesnt work. Punishment cant be later- try reading up on this.

You closed the door on her- it is a physical show of the fact that you dont give a f***- that is why she lost her mind. She was probaby overtired as were you and you both had bad reactions as a result.

Three, if she has problems going to bed then take 5 minutes every night to review what she did that day and what is the plan for tomorrow. I heard something watching the Trevor Noah show that girls reach their peak confidence in their LIFETIME by age 9. Let that soak in. Whether it is anxiety, normal kid behavior or not, let your daughter share her day. Make that a nighttime ritual you can both count on. Once that boundary is set, then you can react, but react gently. It matters.

Anonymous wrote:a warm, nurturing, connection that promotes true flourishing

appreciation of developmental abilities (no unrealistic expectations)

"roots + wings"

+1

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. I’m beating myself up over an incident last night and trying to determine if I was a good mom or not. If not, what to change. Larla, 6yo, bedtime after a few atypical prebed activities (making brownies, up a tad late, brush teeth again after allowed small bite to try). Laying in bed. Won’t stop talking playing. Larla, it is bedtime quiet. Not listening. Offer strike 1-2-3. Lose iPad for tech time (1 hour)tomorrow. Continue bad bedtime behavior (can I talk to dad, will you lag with me again, loud and keeping 4yo sister up). Larla, closing the door to your room if you can’t be quiet. Strike 1-2-3 chances, close bedroom door. She loses her everloving mind. “That was my worst nightmare, screaming, you are my mother you are supposed to be nice to me.” My heart is racing st this point. I go downstairs. Still screaming. Poor tired 4 yo. Long story short. I tell her to lay down quietly and I will come in. I feel bad. She is hyperventilating. I rub her back, promise to not shut door as punishment again, calm her. She falls asleep.

Holy moly. Does she need help? Is this normal?. Did I mess up in how it was handled? She is a challenge on occassion.

No, she doesn’t “need help.” It was a bad evening, mistakes were made and you escalated things for sure, but it happens to everyone sometimes-truly.

Unconditional love, but beyond that I think it can look differently depending on the child.

I love my two girls equally, but wow, I have mothered them so differently due to their personalities.

Serious question. I’m beating myself up over an incident last night and trying to determine if I was a good mom or not. If not, what to change. Larla, 6yo, bedtime after a few atypical prebed activities (making brownies, up a tad late, brush teeth again after allowed small bite to try). Laying in bed. Won’t stop talking playing. Larla, it is bedtime quiet. Not listening. Offer strike 1-2-3. Lose iPad for tech time (1 hour)tomorrow. Continue bad bedtime behavior (can I talk to dad, will you lag with me again, loud and keeping 4yo sister up). Larla, closing the door to your room if you can’t be quiet. Strike 1-2-3 chances, close bedroom door. She loses her everloving mind. “That was my worst nightmare, screaming, you are my mother you are supposed to be nice to me.” My heart is racing st this point. I go downstairs. Still screaming. Poor tired 4 yo. Long story short. I tell her to lay down quietly and I will come in. I feel bad. She is hyperventilating. I rub her back, promise to not shut door as punishment again, calm her. She falls asleep.

Holy moly. Does she need help? Is this normal?. Did I mess up in how it was handled? She is a challenge on occassion.

Anonymous wrote:What does being a good mom entail?

Ask child protective services.

Making sure their needs are taken care of (food, shelter, unconditional love)

Making sure they know that you love them no matter what

Keeping lines of communication open (even when they are behaving horribly - hello teenagers!)

Set clear and consistent boundaries (and know they will continue to be tested - stay strong and consistent)

If you are fortunate enough to provide wants, providing them within limits - no child should have everything they want

Loving your children unconditionally, and making sure they know that you love them.

Providing them with their needs as best you can.

Accepting them and appreciating them for who they are.

Providing reasonable (and reasonably firm) rules and boundaries so that they can feel safe and learn how to behave appropriately.

Helping them become independent adults--which means teaching basic life skills, but also letting them struggle and fall and fail sometimes, even though you could have prevented it, so that they learn to pick themselves up.

I mostly think that kids are going to be who they are going to be, and the most parents can do is work on the margins to help them be the best version of themselves that they can be. The biggest thing you can do is make sure they know that someone loves them, and believes in them.

Recognizing my kids needs, meeting them and being fair. Loving them but also giving them solid boundaries to make sure they are ready for the world.

Anonymous wrote:Unconditional love!

Came in to say this!

Unconditional love!

a warm, nurturing, connection that promotes true flourishing

appreciation of developmental abilities (no unrealistic expectations)

"roots + wings"

What does being a good mom entail?