Anonymous wrote:OP again. It’s getting worse. Ugh! I hate to add to the mom’s trouble by having to make her find alternate arrangements. She sent no food and now no amount of snacks I’m offering is sufficient. She took our house phone to the bathroom and made a call when I told her not to touch that phone. She’s 9! The girls are currently fighting and I don’t know what I got myself into!

Is this the kind of thing that could get better? Or am I kidding myself?

OP, gently, but... have you read any of the responses?

OP again. It’s getting worse. Ugh! I hate to add to the mom’s trouble by having to make her find alternate arrangements. She sent no food and now no amount of snacks I’m offering is sufficient. She took our house phone to the bathroom and made a call when I told her not to touch that phone. She’s 9! The girls are currently fighting and I don’t know what I got myself into!

Is this the kind of thing that could get better? Or am I kidding myself?

When the mom picks her up today, be honest and tell her it was a little rough. Ask her for suggestions on how to handle her when she's being difficult. Try different activities to see what works and what doesn't. I'd keep giving the mom honest updates and if it continues to suck, give her at least a week's notice that you don't think you can continue the arrangement. That way she won't be blindsided.

Anonymous wrote:Have the girls sit down together at the table with a snack, and tell them to brainstorm and write down 5-7 activities they BOTH like doing. Then they can keep referring back to the list and trading off who gets to pick the activity.

Then, tell the girl there are house rules. No whining, always saying please and thank you, being kind, etc.

If that doesn't work, tell the mom "I'm sorry, but this is not working out. Your daughter seems miserable and won't adhere to our house rules, so as much as I'd like to help you, we won't be able to go forward."

This is diplomatic. I would give it two weeks for her to adjust to your family and with you trying to problem solve how to make it better. If it still is awful, tell the mom.

If the mothers hardship was super bad, I would like to think I would be able to withstand her DD, even if it was rough, as a deed to help another mom who is in a very dark place and a child who could use the support.

Have the girls sit down together at the table with a snack, and tell them to brainstorm and write down 5-7 activities they BOTH like doing. Then they can keep referring back to the list and trading off who gets to pick the activity.

Then, tell the girl there are house rules. No whining, always saying please and thank you, being kind, etc.

If that doesn't work, tell the mom "I'm sorry, but this is not working out. Your daughter seems miserable and won't adhere to our house rules, so as much as I'd like to help you, we won't be able to go forward."

Deliver her daughter back to her today and say, I'm really sorry, I thought that I could do this, but I can't. You'll have to find other accommodations for your DD.

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on what the "hard time" is all about. The kid may well be reacting to the hard time, you know?

This was my immediate thought. A 9-year-old girl knows enough, and might feel that she is the object of a favor, which means she is a burden to her mother and so to you. I was this kid for a while when my family suffered a trauma. Even when it was my best friend's parent, whose house I spent most of my childhood plying at, my feeling changed when I knew they were accommodating my family due to the tragedy. I felt very, very different about being there due to my family's need, than I did as an invited friend who could have declined the invitation or reciprocated it.

Show her she isn't a burden and that you want her there. Try to break through her defenses and see if you can make her feel welcome. Awkward as it may seem, perhaps if there is something she can do for you (that she would want to do), a way that you need her too, it might help. Or if you move out of the house/sitting situation every now and then, like going to a movie where it feels more normal and even. I would also say, don't coddle or patronize or excuse bad behavior, but empathize.

I'd definitely give it another day or two to make sure this wasn't just an off day/limits testing on day #1. I would also subtly check in w/ DD to see what her preference is/if the girl is normally like this to try to get a sense of whether this is related to the rough times her mom is going through; I'd try to give her more space if so, especially if my DD was amenable (with some encouragement from me), but not if it was negatively affecting my DD/she was opposed.

Anonymous wrote:My guess is the little girl may be externalizing whatever issues are going on at home, and is uncomfortable at your house. Because "it takes a village" and you already agreed to this, unless she's doing anything unsafe or bullying/aggressive, I'd suck it up and try to figure out ways they can have a better time together. If that's letting them split up and have some screen time, so be it. 4 hours is a long playdate in any event.

+1 I would try giving the child more structure and see if she can get it together. Swim for an hour, have a meal or snack, they each have separate quiet time, you go to the park.

It all depends on what the "hard time" is all about. The kid may well be reacting to the hard time, you know?

My guess is the little girl may be externalizing whatever issues are going on at home, and is uncomfortable at your house. Because "it takes a village" and you already agreed to this, unless she's doing anything unsafe or bullying/aggressive, I'd suck it up and try to figure out ways they can have a better time together. If that's letting them split up and have some screen time, so be it. 4 hours is a long playdate in any event.

Anonymous wrote:A mom/friend from DD9 dance class is currently in a rough place, and came to me to ask if I would be interested in watching her DD9 two days a week over the summer, about 4 hours each day. I agreed because I’m home during the summers and I thought it would be a nice way to break up the week for DD, give her a playmate and me a few hours to do things around the house. Well, I am on day one hour two and it’s a nightmare! The little girl has no interest whatsoever in playing with DD, she’s mouthy and mean, and wants to do exactly the opposite of what DD wants to do, then complains she’s bored. She’s so sweet at dance, I’m completely blindsided!

I’m not getting paid, just helping to be kind, and because of the mom’s issues, I really don’t want to tell her it’s not working out. How can I make this better?

Your first sentence sounded like she was offering you a job, but she asked you to give her free babysitting. I guess if you really want to help you can try one more day. If that does not work then tell her it's not working out. Simple.

You need to be honest with mom asap. Ask her what she’d like you to do to manage her daughter’s behavior.

I would also have a chat with the girl and try to figure out if this is limits-testing or if she is trying to see if you will send her back to mom if she is bad enough or what.

If you are willing to help in spite of the bad behavior, come up with a plan. Maybe you tell mom the girl needs to bring an activity or a book to occupy herself and she can either do that alone or join in with you and DD.

I would also be interested in what DD thinks and feels about this. Is she surprised or is this something the gorl has done before just not where adults can hear?

See how day two goes and then decide if this is still a workable arrangement. You can say no. But this could just be a single bad day. Maybe she doesn't feel well.

A mom/friend from DD9 dance class is currently in a rough place, and came to me to ask if I would be interested in watching her DD9 two days a week over the summer, about 4 hours each day. I agreed because I’m home during the summers and I thought it would be a nice way to break up the week for DD, give her a playmate and me a few hours to do things around the house. Well, I am on day one hour two and it’s a nightmare! The little girl has no interest whatsoever in playing with DD, she’s mouthy and mean, and wants to do exactly the opposite of what DD wants to do, then complains she’s bored. She’s so sweet at dance, I’m completely blindsided!

I’m not getting paid, just helping to be kind, and because of the mom’s issues, I really don’t want to tell her it’s not working out. How can I make this better?