Anonymous wrote:I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to go see her former student perform.

+1. It seems that you are creating artificial tests for your mom. It’s not fair to your mom to say that going to see her student perform is somehow failing to give you due attention. Her blowing off someone else is not the answer to making you feel warm and fuzzy.

I had a similar dynamic with my dad in which he always seemed to have time for a lot of random people, but never me. Pick and choose the times you really need your mom’s engagement and that might work. But it might not. You really can’t make people give you their time and attention, so you may have to accept that you are just not going to get the sense of priority that you want from your mom. And, honestly, if you didn’t come out of childhood feeling that, it’s unlikely to improve now.

If parents knew OP turned down SIL’s birthday celebration in order to spend time with them and THEN announced they were going to the performance, that’s annoying.

If parents didn’t know that OP had cleared the calendar to spend time together, then it can still be annoying to OP, but she should chalk it up to a communication failure by both parties.

In neither scenario is this a hill to die on.

Or, if you don't want to go to the performance with your parents, go to dinner with your in-laws since you love them so much.

You are being immature... AGAIN, OP.

You have issues which require therapy. We could tell you what's wrong with you, but it's better that you hear it from a professional therapist.

I think you’re being unreasonable. This is a one-time special event for your mom, and she’s spending the rest of the weekend with you. Honestly, I don’t understand why you didn’t ask to go with your mom to the performance. This is a really big deal for her, and you should be proud of her rather than begrudging her this experience.

I can see why you are hurt but your mom made a huge impact on an at risk teen, likely turned her life around and music kept her on the right path. I can see why it would mean SO much to your mom and student to see the performance.

Have coffee and dessert together after the show.

And get yourself to therapy.

Yeah, I’m sorry OP. But it does seem like this isn’t a big deal. You’ll have plenty of time with your mom. It sounds like your narrative is that your mom doesn’t care about you, and so you are looking for proof that you’re right.

Have a late lunch and dinner at 8:30. Or can you see the performance too? That would be fun. Or switch the dinner to sat and go to your SIL bday thing on Fri. This doesn’t have to be a big deal or be a test of your mother’s love. Are you in therapy? I mean this kindly, but I hope so.

Team parents. Can’t you go see her perform too? Why do you need to cook dinner? It seems controlling.

How long is she in town? Plenty of opportunities for dinner vs. one shot to see performance?

Holy crap OP. You seem really self centered and childish.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to go see her former student perform.

You posted some months ago, correct? The first half of your post is so familiar. You complained that they didn’t see you. You are an adult, grow the hell up and act like one. You aren’t her baby

For the past year or so, things have been rocky with my mom and I. A lot of the issues stem around the fact that I don't feel that she makes me much of a priority. Whenever my mom and I get into these fights, she always talks about how important to her I am, and how much she loves and values me. We've had a few "come to Jesus" talks, and she's admitted her wrong doings, and I've admitted that I've acted immaturely at times. Things have gotten better over the past few months, but there's still some hurt lingering.

One of the bigger issues in all of this is that my parents haven't come down to see the house that DH and I bought in the fall. We've invited my parents down several times, but there's always something that gets in the way (ex. my mom has some work commitment, a relative is coming to town to visit). For reference, my parents live about 6 hours driving from DC; they are both able bodied, and money isn't an issue. My mom works part time (but has a pretty inflexible schedule), my dad is retired, and consults part time, but has a very flexible schedule.

Finally, things have worked out so that they're coming to DC this weekend! All has gone surprisingly smoothly, and no dram thus far....until today. We had told my parents that we would cook them dinner t our house on Friday night. DH's sisters birthday is Friday night, and his parents (which I'm very close with) are taking her out to celebrate, but we decided that it was more important to spend time with my family. When I told my parents this plan, my mom replied, "oh, I was going to see my former student perform." To give some background, my mom is the director of a program that teaches music to at risk teenagers. One of the students that she worked with a few years ago is in a musician in residence program in the area. She performs Friday night, but it's one of the last weeks she's here before she goes elsewhere.

So I said okay, great, what time do you think you'll get back to our house for dinner? Her response, "oh, around 8:30 or 9. Is that too late?" Since DH and I don't really want to wait until 8:30 to eat dinner, I told her, "yeah, it probably is too late. Since I'm working Friday morning (I'm taking a half day to spend time with them in the afternoon), why don't you try and get together with her?" Her response, "But we really want to see her perform. This student came into my office crying about how badly she wanted to be a musician, and I told her that she would be successful, and I'd come and hear her perform. Since this is one of her last weekends her, I want to hear he perform."

I just can't help but feel kind of let down about this. It just feels like my Mom is more concerned with making sure she keeps her promise to this student, than spending time with her own daughter. It especially stings given the backdrop that I've made clear to her that she doesn't feel that she cares about me. Am I right to be upset, or am I just being immature about this?