It is on par for when dads think they should get the Dad of the Year Reward for taking all the kids to the playground for an hour.

Something about their psyche. They're helpless when they get a cold/sniffle and they feel they've checked off the boxes when they parent for an hour.

Anonymous wrote:My DH also gets plenty of compliments for his hands-on parenting. He’s an involved and affectionate dad who is present in the moment with them. And yes - he’s also clueless. He probably knows which shoes are theirs but I wouldn’t put money on it. On family vacations he’ll wander off for alone time whenever he pleases, grab his coffee and go sit on the deck while I deal with breakfast demands, and no way is he involved in determining what needs packed. So really this gripe is more about dads who are not equal partners in parenting. I think it’s learned helplessness. Not many of us had fathers who were equal partners and the idea that they should be is unfortunately a newer one.

I agree with so much of this. My DH gets accolades for being this “present and hands-on” dad, because he’s fun and good with kids.

But he has no clue what he’s doing when it comes to logistics. I don’t think he knows the time the school bus comes, what time school starts if they miss the bus, where to find a sweatshirt or warmer pajamas in the house, which shampoo is DD’s, how to follow a bedtime routine, where the kid’s doctor’s office is. And not because he’s never been told, but because of learned helplessness.

My DH also gets plenty of compliments for his hands-on parenting. He’s an involved and affectionate dad who is present in the moment with them. And yes - he’s also clueless. He probably knows which shoes are theirs but I wouldn’t put money on it. On family vacations he’ll wander off for alone time whenever he pleases, grab his coffee and go sit on the deck while I deal with breakfast demands, and no way is he involved in determining what needs packed. So really this gripe is more about dads who are not equal partners in parenting. I think it’s learned helplessness. Not many of us had fathers who were equal partners and the idea that they should be is unfortunately a newer one.

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying but we also chose to marry these men and continue to make choices that enable their behavior. My husband is a wonderful dad but asked me the other day which drawer our 2 year olds pajamas are in and then got mad when I glared at him—like apparently it’s unreasonable for him to be expected to know after 2 years. But I dunno, he’s lightyears better than his father and I DO do the majority of childcare as a SAHM. .

My SIL is a brilliant, strong-minded and independent engineer in a senior position at huge company and her husband is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. BUT he doesn’t lift a finger for their young children and she doesn’t seem bothered at all when she works an intense job and then comes home and does 100% of household responsibilities. She’ll be running around dressing them, packing them up, drying tears etc and he’ll just go sit in the car to wait for her to get the kids out the door. I’ve never had the guts to ask her how she tolerates her husband’s extreme lack of parental involvement but she’s accepted it and seems happy. But I look at her situation and mind and feel like this is really an issue that we as women have created by our acceptance of it. Whether are standards are too low for fathers or our need to control things is too high—we largely don’t ask them to step up and be true equals.

The “well, you chose this” rhetoric is so disingenuous. Most of us didn’t “choose” this, because we didn’t have children with our spouses before we procreated with them to have advanced warning of what kind of parents they would be. Once you have the kids, though, there’s no “undo” button. Even if you divorce, you still have to co-parent with him.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, I’m going to be the voice of dissent here, but I think it’s odd seeing the dad who has it all together. Not in an odd bad way, but just in a confused odd way.

Last night we were at a BBQ with friends we hadn’t seen in a while and they had two under three. The dad was running around with perfectly timed baby wipes catching crumbs and food smears, fetching silly cups, appropriately disciplining, changing diapers, feeding. I was like, what is this? It was so odd to see a dad that together. Mom sat off to the side with wine. Maybe that was their arrangement, but even with my DH, if it was my “night off”, he’d still be coming to me to figure out what step to take next.

Also, I can’t tell if I love it or hate it, it’s just so unfamiliar.

I don’t know, I’m going to be the voice of dissent here, but I think it’s odd seeing the dad who has it all together. Not in an odd bad way, but just in a confused odd way.

Last night we were at a BBQ with friends we hadn’t seen in a while and they had two under three. The dad was running around with perfectly timed baby wipes catching crumbs and food smears, fetching silly cups, appropriately disciplining, changing diapers, feeding. I was like, what is this? It was so odd to see a dad that together. Mom sat off to the side with wine. Maybe that was their arrangement, but even with my DH, if it was my “night off”, he’d still be coming to me to figure out what step to take next.

It’s annoying but we also chose to marry these men and continue to make choices that enable their behavior. My husband is a wonderful dad but asked me the other day which drawer our 2 year olds pajamas are in and then got mad when I glared at him—like apparently it’s unreasonable for him to be expected to know after 2 years. But I dunno, he’s lightyears better than his father and I DO do the majority of childcare as a SAHM. .

My SIL is a brilliant, strong-minded and independent engineer in a senior position at huge company and her husband is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. BUT he doesn’t lift a finger for their young children and she doesn’t seem bothered at all when she works an intense job and then comes home and does 100% of household responsibilities. She’ll be running around dressing them, packing them up, drying tears etc and he’ll just go sit in the car to wait for her to get the kids out the door. I’ve never had the guts to ask her how she tolerates her husband’s extreme lack of parental involvement but she’s accepted it and seems happy. But I look at her situation and mind and feel like this is really an issue that we as women have created by our acceptance of it. Whether are standards are too low for fathers or our need to control things is too high—we largely don’t ask them to step up and be true equals.

Anonymous wrote:I recognize my dh in the OP.

He is awesome. So I actually wonder how hard other people have it... if he is helpless sometimes. I’ve seen some other wives have it much worse: DHs who are obsessed with work or really checked out.

But anyway, dh will never ever ever fully appreciate what’s its like to share the kid load. He’d be like the airplane guy. Probably had just started some phone game and annoyed that his game is getting interrupted. I can understand that but if I’m the on the verge of tears bc the kids are arguing, or having a tantrum over crazy, crazy 3yo stuff(!) then he just doesn’t get how much he could help.

Me again. Anyway, i won’t get PRE-mad at dh by imagining him being helpless. But I recognize it in past stuff.

Anonymous wrote:
News Flash:
Men and Women are not the same.
Equal, absolutely!
But definitely NOT the same. It'd feel deranged if my husband was the better caregiver. It's my domain. Of course he can fill-in, but I'm better with young children, and I like it that way.

Deranged. Really.

I recognize my dh in the OP.

He is awesome. So I actually wonder how hard other people have it... if he is helpless sometimes. I’ve seen some other wives have it much worse: DHs who are obsessed with work or really checked out.

But anyway, dh will never ever ever fully appreciate what’s its like to share the kid load. He’d be like the airplane guy. Probably had just started some phone game and annoyed that his game is getting interrupted. I can understand that but if I’m the on the verge of tears bc the kids are arguing, or having a tantrum over crazy, crazy 3yo stuff(!) then he just doesn’t get how much he could help.

News Flash:
Men and Women are not the same.
Equal, absolutely!
But definitely NOT the same. It'd feel deranged if my husband was the better caregiver. It's my domain. Of course he can fill-in, but I'm better with young children, and I like it that way.

I’m with you OP. It’s 2019 and most men still expect to be told how to parent. If you don’t believe it to be true, you are fortunate to have a great partner OR don’t believe in the same level of equality OP and I hope for. I’ve got a good partner and this is still a huge challenge for us.

My DH is very hands on. It kind of annoys me when he has all 3 kids people compliment and think it is such an accomplishment. I have all 3 kids majority of the time. If he has them while I go to the bathroom or get food, women will comment all the time.

Maybe the toddler got new shoes. Airplanes are just a bad situation. I have observed dads yelling at crying kid to sit down. That isn’t much more helpful.

What is with all the anti-man rants on here recently? We get it. I am a woman and I am so tired of the trend to alway put men down. Talk as though they are inferior and invalidate what they do. It's just misandry and its boring. We get it, you think women and mothers are superior and you like putting down others.


It's old and tiresome. You can be a feminist without hating men.

Sorry dads, I know many many of you are so amazing, but...

Everywhere I look I see helpless dads. Recently I was at a park with a small creek, and several kids had taken off their shoes to play. Upon leaving, one dad was helplessly asking his roughly 2.5 year old “Larlo, are these your shoes? Which ones are your shoes?” I was thinking- how in the world do you not know which shoes belong to your child?

Another example, I’m on a plane and there are two families each with two young kids. In each case, mom is stuck in a row with both kids while dad chills in the row behind. There is some switching off, but 90 percent of the flight, mom is doing all the work, largely by whenever there is a switch off, the kids beg for mom. Ok fine, the kids want mom and the plane is not the time to fight that, but even then...in one case, the exhausted mom was trying to get two young kids to sit down and buckle up, and she said in desperation to her spouse in the row behind “I need help!” to which he responded (with a tone) “What do you want me to do?” I’m thinking - dude- it’s not even my kids and I could give your wife more support at this moment. Try some snacks, try some bribery, whip out some instagram filters, speak in an authoritative dad voice...I mean...try something for goodness sake- don’t just tap out and let your wife handle these screaming kids when she’s practically begging for your help.

I have seen so many occasions of helpless dads and it’s ridiculous.