Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.... I should add, things are just short of personally violent at his moms. Broken doors, window glass, screaming, cursing, etc. my husband feels that it would be different here.

Wait?!

Is the 20 year old breaking stuff at his mom’s house??!!? If so that’s a bad situation for her and will become hell on earth for you. A drug addict who is borderline violent with his own mother will have no problem pushing his stepmom around. How d is your child? Inviting his brother to live with you could easily turn violent for him too. Personally this would be my hill to die on. No way.

Figure out another living situation - you’re going to have to pay up to find him an apartment or halfway house or something. But those are the two options: he terrorizes you and your child in your house OR you pay for him to live somewhere else. Either way it will cost you because there’s no way his dad will let his so become homeless no matter how much of a screwup he is. The other option is divorce. Sometimes all the choices suck.

+100

You need to sit down with DH and have an initial plan on how you two will handle his known violent tendancies. Maybe it will open DH's eyes a bit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is he using besides marijuana? What was the overdose? He needs treatment. Why are things declining at his mom's house?

Your DH needs to have a plan he's willing to work with his son to get him clean and on a path to independence. I'd suggest a family counselor with someone with substance abuse issues. Everyone goes to therapy, including his mom.

As far as we know, only marijuana. There could be other psych issues as well.

One problem is that as an adult, he has given us no access to the psychologist he is seeing. We have been seeing a counselor. The crux is that neither parent is willing to implement any significant consequences, as they lead to upset and everything feels “better” when he is happier..

We did have an initial plan made with a therapist in the first days he was home. But, there has been no actual progress on his end. so,
I know my husband is getting edgy and wants to try it “his way” (reasoning with him and showing him support st home)

Overdose was 3 days of frank paychosis.

I don't understand this. What drug did he overdose on?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.... I should add, things are just short of personally violent at his moms. Broken doors, window glass, screaming, cursing, etc. my husband feels that it would be different here.

Wait?!

Is the 20 year old breaking stuff at his mom’s house??!!? If so that’s a bad situation for her and will become hell on earth for you. A drug addict who is borderline violent with his own mother will have no problem pushing his stepmom around. How d is your child? Inviting his brother to live with you could easily turn violent for him too. Personally this would be my hill to die on. No way.

Figure out another living situation - you’re going to have to pay up to find him an apartment or halfway house or something. But those are the two options: he terrorizes you and your child in your house OR you pay for him to live somewhere else. Either way it will cost you because there’s no way his dad will let his so become homeless no matter how much of a screwup he is. The other option is divorce. Sometimes all the choices suck.

I have suggested a halfway house - no...
Too many bad influences. I have suggested renting him an efficiently.....
No, he will be worse off our of sight.

If I push things and my husband moves out, I could lose custody of my daughter. The situation sucks.

My husband honestly believes he won’t be violent here. (He and ex don’t get along)

If your husband leaves and moves in with a violent drug addict, I doubt most judges will give him physical custody of a young girl. Is your husband threatening you with this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.... I should add, things are just short of personally violent at his moms. Broken doors, window glass, screaming, cursing, etc. my husband feels that it would be different here.

Wait?!

Is the 20 year old breaking stuff at his mom’s house??!!? If so that’s a bad situation for her and will become hell on earth for you. A drug addict who is borderline violent with his own mother will have no problem pushing his stepmom around. How d is your child? Inviting his brother to live with you could easily turn violent for him too. Personally this would be my hill to die on. No way.

Figure out another living situation - you’re going to have to pay up to find him an apartment or halfway house or something. But those are the two options: he terrorizes you and your child in your house OR you pay for him to live somewhere else. Either way it will cost you because there’s no way his dad will let his so become homeless no matter how much of a screwup he is. The other option is divorce. Sometimes all the choices suck.

I have suggested a halfway house - no...
Too many bad influences. I have suggested renting him an efficiently.....
No, he will be worse off our of sight.

If I push things and my husband moves out, I could lose custody of my daughter. The situation sucks.

My husband honestly believes he won’t be violent here. (He and ex don’t get along)

OP, don’t do it. Protect your younger child. Let your husband leave you. Help get him into inpatient treatment. Anything but moving in. Your entire family will be at risk.

I come from a family of addicts and the next generation is following suit. I watch your situation play out all the time in my family. Cars get stolen and totaled. Addicts steal their families blind. You can’t fix him. The only thing you can do is give him a roof and food and money. Even if you think you aren’t giving money, your video gaming system, TVs, electronics, cash and jewelry will start to disappear. Anything of value, no matter how minute, can be pawned or sold. And then there is the violence.

This is a 20 year old we're talking about, not a child. Why doesn't he get a job? Your husband needs to put some conditions in place for living with you. Right now your stepson is being enabled by his parents. What is he using? I'm guessing it's escalated from pot since you mention an overdose.

It would be a pretty firm no from me, considering the violent outbursts and refusing to enter treatment. If your husband feels he needs to leave, so be it. I would not subject my young child to violence and drug use.

Anonymous wrote:What is he using besides marijuana? What was the overdose? He needs treatment. Why are things declining at his mom's house?

Your DH needs to have a plan he's willing to work with his son to get him clean and on a path to independence. I'd suggest a family counselor with someone with substance abuse issues. Everyone goes to therapy, including his mom.

As far as we know, only marijuana. There could be other psych issues as well.

One problem is that as an adult, he has given us no access to the psychologist he is seeing. We have been seeing a counselor. The crux is that neither parent is willing to implement any significant consequences, as they lead to upset and everything feels “better” when he is happier..

We did have an initial plan made with a therapist in the first days he was home. But, there has been no actual progress on his end. so,
I know my husband is getting edgy and wants to try it “his way” (reasoning with him and showing him support st home)

Overdose was 3 days of frank paychosis.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.... I should add, things are just short of personally violent at his moms. Broken doors, window glass, screaming, cursing, etc. my husband feels that it would be different here.

Wait?!

Is the 20 year old breaking stuff at his mom’s house??!!? If so that’s a bad situation for her and will become hell on earth for you. A drug addict who is borderline violent with his own mother will have no problem pushing his stepmom around. How d is your child? Inviting his brother to live with you could easily turn violent for him too. Personally this would be my hill to die on. No way.

Figure out another living situation - you’re going to have to pay up to find him an apartment or halfway house or something. But those are the two options: he terrorizes you and your child in your house OR you pay for him to live somewhere else. Either way it will cost you because there’s no way his dad will let his so become homeless no matter how much of a screwup he is. The other option is divorce. Sometimes all the choices suck.

Anonymous wrote:How did he overdose on weed?

probably wasn't weed at that point

You are right and his parents need to stop enabling your SS. You are also right that you probably won't have much success in changing your husband's mind on this issue. Perhaps your husband could make alternative living arrangements for your SS and pre-pay his rent/utilities for 6-12 months. Inpatient treatment would probably be ideal, but since you can't force that, an independent living situation with a firm end-date for your financial support might motivate him to at least look for work or something.

How did he overdose on weed?

The younger sibling in the house should not be exposed to the violent outbursts.

What is he using besides marijuana? What was the overdose? He needs treatment. Why are things declining at his mom's house?

Your DH needs to have a plan he's willing to work with his son to get him clean and on a path to independence. I'd suggest a family counselor with someone with substance abuse issues. Everyone goes to therapy, including his mom.

OP here.... I should add, things are just short of personally violent at his moms. Broken doors, window glass, screaming, cursing, etc. my husband feels that it would be different here.

I guess, since DSS is 20, I need to move this to family relationships. I just feel really stuck right now. DSS has lived 50/50 with us since we got married when he was 8. His last few years of high school, he got deeper and deeper in marijuana use. His parents punished, drug tested, sent him to therapy... basically all the right things. But, his first year of college was over in the second semester after heavily increasing use, failing grades, and, finally, a overdose situation. He left school, moved back to our city, and moved in with his mother.

We have a smaller child, and, he was basically told out the outset that he could only live with us after beginning treatment , proving he didnt use, and making some plans for what he wanted to do next. He has done none of this. Things are steadily declining at his moms. And, now we are getting more and more pressure from both of them to let him move in with us before she just kicks him out. My husband feels like he has no choice. Basically, I know, he will leave me if I absolutely say he cannot move in. He won't consider making alternative living arrangements. I know my husband is trying to do the best he can, but the situation just feels hopeless.