OP have you ever read the book Siblings Without Rivalry? I just reread it because my kids (just turned 2, and 5 in the fall) had escalating tensions.

The book provides good templates for how to handle a lot of very typical sibling situations. Not all of it can apply at this point because the 2 year old is still pretty little, and they can't quite talk things out yet. But, I like the general principles around the book.

One thing I've been trying to do a lot of lately is modeling, by stopping a bad interaction and trying to give them tools to show what I'd like to see instead.

So, the 2 year old will run up and grab a toy from the 4 yo and run away. And the 4 year old is rightly upset and goes after the 2 year old.

I'll stop them and say something like: "Hey 2 yo, did you want to play with 4yo?" And he'll say yes. So I'll say, next time try asking "Can I play?" Then he'll ask his brother if he can play. I swear, more often than not, his brother will hand over part of what's he's playing with and say: "You can have these toys."

Or when the 4 year old is trying to grab the toy back, I'll say: "I know he grabbed it from you, but let's try to teach him how to ask. Can you ask for the toy back?" And typically little brother hands it over at that point.

One last thing. I don't know if this is good or bad, but a while ago, I told the 4 year old that if his little brother was really pestering him and he felt like he was going to lose his temper, he should tell me or his Dad. And he's pretty good about it, so instead of physically fighting, he'll yell "LARLO ALERT! LARLO ALERT" and we know that we need to see what's up.

Hope some of this helps.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an "Asian" household, and my parent indoctrinated us that my older sibling was supposed to protect me, and that I was supposed to respect him. That dynamic worked well - as the younger, I was not allowed to mess up his stuff, and as the older, he was not allowed to pick on me.

OP here. I like this and am going to try to see how I can work it into our household.

Anonymous wrote:Are they getting enough outside time to run off their energy? An afternoon trip to the playground when things generally get tense might help.

OP here. Yes, they do get lots of outdoor time and lots of running around b/c they both need this...like hours and hours per day. They get along lovely outside the home for the most part so a double win but sometimes I need to do stuff inside. Our house is small so that doesn't help.

Op here. thanks for the responses.

My youngest is 2 in two months but my oldest is not 5 until later this fall so really he is a 4 year old, which perhaps is easy to forget sometimes. I absolutely protect his property and the teasing is more of off hand comments like 'you're a little baby' or 'I can climb this ladder and you can't'. Its not nice but it has felt to me like typical sibling stuff, though I feel like I need to step in more now that my youngest really understands what is being said and is reacting to it.

Are they getting enough outside time to run off their energy? An afternoon trip to the playground when things generally get tense might help.

I grew up in an "Asian" household, and my parent indoctrinated us that my older sibling was supposed to protect me, and that I was supposed to respect him. That dynamic worked well - as the younger, I was not allowed to mess up his stuff, and as the older, he was not allowed to pick on me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar gap/age range. We've been very clear from the get-go that we expect positive and loving interactions between them. In general the eldest is kind and nurturing, not a teaser. But any kind of dispute or interaction that can lead to a fight gets a quick reminder of what's appropriate and loving behavior (hugs, fun games, older one reading to younger, sharing/ respecting boundaries) is praised, encouraged, and prompted. As they get older I will definitely let them work it out themselves more. But it's helped to make family culture clear now, and be proactive about establishing positive expectations between the two of them. Our parents were pretty laissez-faire and it led to some deep rifts and resentments. I don't want that for our kids.

PP -- just to add, by proactive I mean that we talk about what might be kind to say, we encourage them to speak kindly and touch one another gently, and sometimes we even suggest things that might be nice to say. That happened more in the beginning as the youngest became verbal and now that they have experienced for themselves the fun that comes from making each other smile, it mostly runs on its own. We are also strict about the youngest respecting the oldest's property because that is a point of tension. DC2 is getting a lot better about that, though. It helps to be consistent whatever you do. Maybe set expectations firmly and be more proactive about helping them practice kind behavior for a few weeks, and see if that shifts the dynamic.

NP here with 3 and 6 year old girls. We do something very similar.

They're kids, they're going to fight on occasion and we intervene when necessary, but we also work hard on NOT fighting. And explaining to 6 year old that 3 year doesn't necessarily understand what is going on in certain situations.

Big age gap between the 2 kids. Your older son sounds frustrated with his younger sib. The older one needs to come to you when his brother is getting on his nerves, crashing thru his legos, etc. Maybe set a timer for when they need to play together? When the older one shows some restraint, praise him.

My kids are 3 yrs apart and we did not have that problem, but they would roughhouse and one or the other would end up hurt sometimes.

The older one sets the tone and you need to have a lot of conversations about how brothers take care of each other and are nice to each other. Your 5 yr old needs to cut back on the teasing because he is provoking his little brother who is responding by hitting. You need to work on empathy with both of them, especially where their sibling is concerned. And the kids need to be using their words "I don't like it when you say X to me. I don't like it when you push me." etc.

My boys are 10 and 14 now and still are fine.

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar gap/age range. We've been very clear from the get-go that we expect positive and loving interactions between them. In general the eldest is kind and nurturing, not a teaser. But any kind of dispute or interaction that can lead to a fight gets a quick reminder of what's appropriate and loving behavior (hugs, fun games, older one reading to younger, sharing/ respecting boundaries) is praised, encouraged, and prompted. As they get older I will definitely let them work it out themselves more. But it's helped to make family culture clear now, and be proactive about establishing positive expectations between the two of them. Our parents were pretty laissez-faire and it led to some deep rifts and resentments. I don't want that for our kids.

PP -- just to add, by proactive I mean that we talk about what might be kind to say, we encourage them to speak kindly and touch one another gently, and sometimes we even suggest things that might be nice to say. That happened more in the beginning as the youngest became verbal and now that they have experienced for themselves the fun that comes from making each other smile, it mostly runs on its own. We are also strict about the youngest respecting the oldest's property because that is a point of tension. DC2 is getting a lot better about that, though. It helps to be consistent whatever you do. Maybe set expectations firmly and be more proactive about helping them practice kind behavior for a few weeks, and see if that shifts the dynamic.

We have a similar gap/age range. We've been very clear from the get-go that we expect positive and loving interactions between them. In general the eldest is kind and nurturing, not a teaser. But any kind of dispute or interaction that can lead to a fight gets a quick reminder of what's appropriate and loving behavior (hugs, fun games, older one reading to younger, sharing/ respecting boundaries) is praised, encouraged, and prompted. As they get older I will definitely let them work it out themselves more. But it's helped to make family culture clear now, and be proactive about establishing positive expectations between the two of them. Our parents were pretty laissez-faire and it led to some deep rifts and resentments. I don't want that for our kids.

I have a 3 and 6 year old though older is a girls doing younger is a boy if that matters. We don’t allow any teasing and don’t interact adult-to-kid by teasing either. We emphasize that “we don’t tease in this family” and make a big deal of the times they are kind to one another. The How Full is Your Bucket framing has been a help also. They still fight and most days something devolves into hitting/kicking but the vast majority of their many interactions are cooperative and joyful. Perhaps try shutting down the teasing and changing the interpersonal culture in the home. I grew up in a teasing-all-around household and it has taken a lot of work to reframe my interactions.

I'll take some solace in that its normal at least

I have two boys three years apart as well. Yeah, it’s not going to get better, sorry.

I have two sons, who are just about 2 and 5. Individually they are both sweet, amazing people. However, when together they are constantly at each other. Mostly verbal teasing from the older which the younger then responds to by hitting, and then depending on how late in the day, maybe a physical reaction by the older. its exhausting. Is this just life with this age? What am I doing wrong here? I work hard not to compare, to give them some 1:1 time, and to keep them busy.