Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 15:27     Subject: Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
OP, I'm 31, grew up in a Muslim household and an Atheist now as well. I give Zero effs anymore about going to the mosque for any reason other than a friend or relative's Nikkah it I feel like it.

Just ignore her and live your life.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 14:22     Subject: Re:Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I know I could turn up just to make her happy. But where does it end? I am already compromising by agreeing to accompany her to her hospital appointments just because she wants to show me off to her doctors (she actually said that she wants me to come to show that she isn't abandoned, which is what she says some of them think of her- it just sounds so shallow but I think it's more reasonable than attending some prayer session). I went with her to see her therapist today, and it was a carthatic experience for me articulating about our relationship to this stranger but it actually backfired because my mom accuses me of embarrassing her and divulging the fact that we had a bedbugs infestation brought on by her hoarding. I can't change my mom and I know that. But I hate her attempts to change me. I'm already conceding to some of her demands about dress (I once wore bermuda shorts to see my grandma in a home, and she berated me over it even though my grandma had dementia and didn't even remember my name). Yes, I guess this does belong in Family Relationships. How do I get it changed?
OP, my relationship with my mom got better after I set boundaries with her. I needed distance to keep from feeling overwhelmed by her anxiety but it was hard to do. My advice is to set some boundaries and keep them. Eventually you may feel safe enough that you can humor her and do some things with her because they will no longer have the same meaning that they did. But that won't happen unless you set the boundaries first. Do that and then what happens, happens. Good luck with this. It's very hard to make changes in your relationship with a parent.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 14:17     Subject: Re:Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I know I could turn up just to make her happy. But where does it end? I am already compromising by agreeing to accompany her to her hospital appointments just because she wants to show me off to her doctors (she actually said that she wants me to come to show that she isn't abandoned, which is what she says some of them think of her- it just sounds so shallow but I think it's more reasonable than attending some prayer session). I went with her to see her therapist today, and it was a carthatic experience for me articulating about our relationship to this stranger but it actually backfired because my mom accuses me of embarrassing her and divulging the fact that we had a bedbugs infestation brought on by her hoarding. I can't change my mom and I know that. But I hate her attempts to change me. I'm already conceding to some of her demands about dress (I once wore bermuda shorts to see my grandma in a home, and she berated me over it even though my grandma had dementia and didn't even remember my name). Yes, I guess this does belong in Family Relationships. How do I get it changed?


Therapy can help, OP. You need to 1) accept that she will never change and 2) once you have accepted that, you need to figure out what boundaries you need to keep yourself sane. Maybe you don't go visit her for more than 4 days. Or maybe you don't visit at all but call on the phone weekly or monthly. This is where a therapist can help you navigate how to change your life so she is less of a force in it.


I have seen a therapist in the past and I think my boundaries are appropriate. I'm not staying with her. I'm staying at a hotel and Airbnb. I already know the dates and times I'm seeing her and that's it. My grandmother has since passed so there's one less reason for guilting as awful as that sounds. I think therapy is great but I also didn't continue because thinking of all the hurt and history was also not healthy for me as I was building a new life in the US. Even my mom's therapist says I've done really well in spite of all the circumstances and that acknowledgement brought out so much tears from me.


I have no doubt you have done really well - going to therapy isn't an admission of failure, is a place to go to get the tools you need to navigate your life when the things you are currently doing aren't working. You say your boundaries are appropriate, but you want things to change. There's nothing you can do to change her. All you can do is change how you think about her actions and how often to be exposed to them. So if the current situation isn't working for you, then your boundaries may not be so appropriate.

Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 14:12     Subject: Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:My mother has longstanding boundary issues, and has been a great part of the reason why I moved halfway across the world. I've come back for a short visit after three years and she wants me to accompany her to this session with some imam. I don't actually have to do anything there myself, but it's just the idea of attending something I don't believe in that pisses me off. I gave in to her the last time and it made me really resentful. The crazy thing is that she makes it out to be me who has an issue because "you have an ego. What harm will it do since you don't believe in anything anyway?" I'm an atheist. And unlike the 18yo teen she was able to corner to force to recite whatever, I'm now 30 and am very close to cutting off ties with her over this plus a whole host of other issues (if we are out together, she wants me to use the bathroom when she goes because she thinks I'm going to pee myself in public if I don't, or if we're on public transit and I won't hold on to a handle or take someone's seat, she starts saying I'll fall and get injured- like wtf?. Anyone else faced a similar situation? How did you deal with it? I feel so alone because no one I know has such a crazy parent.


Well OP your mother does not sound that unique to me. My mother is Middle Eastern and has a lot of the same overbearing, annoying attributes, in addition to being incredibly high anxiety and mentally ill. Even though I am not an atheist, she still pesters me because I am not following religion "the right way." There is just something about some of these cultures where making your children as miserable as possible seems to be the norm. In fact, I know a fellow who is a New York Times best-selling author and his mother barely acknowledges him because he is over 40 and unmarried. You have a choice of whether to grin and bear it or cut her off.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 13:29     Subject: Re:Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I know I could turn up just to make her happy. But where does it end? I am already compromising by agreeing to accompany her to her hospital appointments just because she wants to show me off to her doctors (she actually said that she wants me to come to show that she isn't abandoned, which is what she says some of them think of her- it just sounds so shallow but I think it's more reasonable than attending some prayer session). I went with her to see her therapist today, and it was a carthatic experience for me articulating about our relationship to this stranger but it actually backfired because my mom accuses me of embarrassing her and divulging the fact that we had a bedbugs infestation brought on by her hoarding. I can't change my mom and I know that. But I hate her attempts to change me. I'm already conceding to some of her demands about dress (I once wore bermuda shorts to see my grandma in a home, and she berated me over it even though my grandma had dementia and didn't even remember my name). Yes, I guess this does belong in Family Relationships. How do I get it changed?


Therapy can help, OP. You need to 1) accept that she will never change and 2) once you have accepted that, you need to figure out what boundaries you need to keep yourself sane. Maybe you don't go visit her for more than 4 days. Or maybe you don't visit at all but call on the phone weekly or monthly. This is where a therapist can help you navigate how to change your life so she is less of a force in it.


I have seen a therapist in the past and I think my boundaries are appropriate. I'm not staying with her. I'm staying at a hotel and Airbnb. I already know the dates and times I'm seeing her and that's it. My grandmother has since passed so there's one less reason for guilting as awful as that sounds. I think therapy is great but I also didn't continue because thinking of all the hurt and history was also not healthy for me as I was building a new life in the US. Even my mom's therapist says I've done really well in spite of all the circumstances and that acknowledgement brought out so much tears from me.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 13:21     Subject: Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree this is more about your relationship than any religion.


+1 I wouldn't be surprised if this were an anti-Muslim troll post.


OP again. Well, I thought my problem involved religion so that's why I posted it here. Not a troll at all. Just really stuck and frustrated about how she can't see things from my perspective. I would never ask her to give up the religion or remove her headscarf but somehow, she can't extend me the same courtesy. Everything with her revolves around emotional blackmail and guilt tripping. It's tiring. Actually, the last time this prayer thing was held, I was actually tricked into going because she didn't explain what I was accompanying her until we were right there at the venue.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 13:18     Subject: Re:Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I know I could turn up just to make her happy. But where does it end? I am already compromising by agreeing to accompany her to her hospital appointments just because she wants to show me off to her doctors (she actually said that she wants me to come to show that she isn't abandoned, which is what she says some of them think of her- it just sounds so shallow but I think it's more reasonable than attending some prayer session). I went with her to see her therapist today, and it was a carthatic experience for me articulating about our relationship to this stranger but it actually backfired because my mom accuses me of embarrassing her and divulging the fact that we had a bedbugs infestation brought on by her hoarding. I can't change my mom and I know that. But I hate her attempts to change me. I'm already conceding to some of her demands about dress (I once wore bermuda shorts to see my grandma in a home, and she berated me over it even though my grandma had dementia and didn't even remember my name). Yes, I guess this does belong in Family Relationships. How do I get it changed?


Therapy can help, OP. You need to 1) accept that she will never change and 2) once you have accepted that, you need to figure out what boundaries you need to keep yourself sane. Maybe you don't go visit her for more than 4 days. Or maybe you don't visit at all but call on the phone weekly or monthly. This is where a therapist can help you navigate how to change your life so she is less of a force in it.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 13:17     Subject: Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Your mistake was coming back for a short visit

I moved half-way across the world from my dear mother, and both before and after, told her exactly how deep-seated anxiety was making her insanely controlling of me. I made it very clear that I would cut her off if she kept harassing me. She got it after a particularly egregious incident which made me cut her off for 6 months.

I'm 39 now, married with kids, and when we see each other, I make sure we have lots of activities planned, we avoid staying at her house for too long, and I actually avoid being alone with her for more than a couple of hours. Otherwise I get an earful of how I'm too fat, my husband is a jerk who doesn't earn enough money, my daughter is too fat, my failure-to-thrive tiny and skeletal son is actually just the right size for his age, and that I ruined my life making the decisions I made.


Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 13:15     Subject: Re:Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I know I could turn up just to make her happy. But where does it end? I am already compromising by agreeing to accompany her to her hospital appointments just because she wants to show me off to her doctors (she actually said that she wants me to come to show that she isn't abandoned, which is what she says some of them think of her- it just sounds so shallow but I think it's more reasonable than attending some prayer session). I went with her to see her therapist today, and it was a carthatic experience for me articulating about our relationship to this stranger but it actually backfired because my mom accuses me of embarrassing her and divulging the fact that we had a bedbugs infestation brought on by her hoarding. I can't change my mom and I know that. But I hate her attempts to change me. I'm already conceding to some of her demands about dress (I once wore bermuda shorts to see my grandma in a home, and she berated me over it even though my grandma had dementia and didn't even remember my name). Yes, I guess this does belong in Family Relationships. How do I get it changed?


Report it to Jeff and ask him to move it in the comment field.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 13:13     Subject: Re:Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
OP here. Yes, I know I could turn up just to make her happy. But where does it end? I am already compromising by agreeing to accompany her to her hospital appointments just because she wants to show me off to her doctors (she actually said that she wants me to come to show that she isn't abandoned, which is what she says some of them think of her- it just sounds so shallow but I think it's more reasonable than attending some prayer session). I went with her to see her therapist today, and it was a carthatic experience for me articulating about our relationship to this stranger but it actually backfired because my mom accuses me of embarrassing her and divulging the fact that we had a bedbugs infestation brought on by her hoarding. I can't change my mom and I know that. But I hate her attempts to change me. I'm already conceding to some of her demands about dress (I once wore bermuda shorts to see my grandma in a home, and she berated me over it even though my grandma had dementia and didn't even remember my name). Yes, I guess this does belong in Family Relationships. How do I get it changed?
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 12:54     Subject: Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mother has longstanding boundary issues, and has been a great part of the reason why I moved halfway across the world. I've come back for a short visit after three years and she wants me to accompany her to this session with some imam. I don't actually have to do anything there myself, but it's just the idea of attending something I don't believe in that pisses me off. I gave in to her the last time and it made me really resentful. The crazy thing is that she makes it out to be me who has an issue because "you have an ego. What harm will it do since you don't believe in anything anyway?" I'm an atheist. And unlike the 18yo teen she was able to corner to force to recite whatever, I'm now 30 and am very close to cutting off ties with her over this plus a whole host of other issues (if we are out together, she wants me to use the bathroom when she goes because she thinks I'm going to pee myself in public if I don't, or if we're on public transit and I won't hold on to a handle or take someone's seat, she starts saying I'll fall and get injured- like wtf?. Anyone else faced a similar situation? How did you deal with it? I feel so alone because no one I know has such a crazy parent.


OP, with all due respect, this is not a religion question. This belongs in the family relationships forum.

If you were as confident in your decisions and life as you claim to be, a religious session to make your mother happy during a short visit would not "piss you off," whether you believed in it or not.


I agree that this is a relationship question, but I disagree with the bolded. She's already done this religious session thing once for her mother, she didn't get anything positive out of the experience for herself and actually increased her resentment toward her mom. Deciding she's not going to do it again doesn't mean she's secretly worried that she's wrong about the big questions. It means she doesn't want to do it again.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 12:49     Subject: Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:I agree this is more about your relationship than any religion.


+1 I wouldn't be surprised if this were an anti-Muslim troll post.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 12:48     Subject: Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
I agree this is more about your relationship than any religion.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 12:45     Subject: Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
Anonymous wrote:My mother has longstanding boundary issues, and has been a great part of the reason why I moved halfway across the world. I've come back for a short visit after three years and she wants me to accompany her to this session with some imam. I don't actually have to do anything there myself, but it's just the idea of attending something I don't believe in that pisses me off. I gave in to her the last time and it made me really resentful. The crazy thing is that she makes it out to be me who has an issue because "you have an ego. What harm will it do since you don't believe in anything anyway?" I'm an atheist. And unlike the 18yo teen she was able to corner to force to recite whatever, I'm now 30 and am very close to cutting off ties with her over this plus a whole host of other issues (if we are out together, she wants me to use the bathroom when she goes because she thinks I'm going to pee myself in public if I don't, or if we're on public transit and I won't hold on to a handle or take someone's seat, she starts saying I'll fall and get injured- like wtf?. Anyone else faced a similar situation? How did you deal with it? I feel so alone because no one I know has such a crazy parent.


OP, with all due respect, this is not a religion question. This belongs in the family relationships forum.

If you were as confident in your decisions and life as you claim to be, a religious session to make your mother happy during a short visit would not "piss you off," whether you believed in it or not.
Anonymous
Post 06/07/2019 12:22     Subject: Muslim mother wants me to follow her to a prayers session but she can't take 'No' for an answer
My mother has longstanding boundary issues, and has been a great part of the reason why I moved halfway across the world. I've come back for a short visit after three years and she wants me to accompany her to this session with some imam. I don't actually have to do anything there myself, but it's just the idea of attending something I don't believe in that pisses me off. I gave in to her the last time and it made me really resentful. The crazy thing is that she makes it out to be me who has an issue because "you have an ego. What harm will it do since you don't believe in anything anyway?" I'm an atheist. And unlike the 18yo teen she was able to corner to force to recite whatever, I'm now 30 and am very close to cutting off ties with her over this plus a whole host of other issues (if we are out together, she wants me to use the bathroom when she goes because she thinks I'm going to pee myself in public if I don't, or if we're on public transit and I won't hold on to a handle or take someone's seat, she starts saying I'll fall and get injured- like wtf?. Anyone else faced a similar situation? How did you deal with it? I feel so alone because no one I know has such a crazy parent.